A Tale of Two Chickens
Yakov Yosef2010
My four-year-old son came home from kindergarten a few days ago, singing to himself, “Zeh chalifasi, zeh kaparasi.” “Do you know what that means?” I asked. “Yes,” he said, and in a babble of a four-year-old’s blatherings he noted, “My rebbe said you have to kick the chicken after swinging it above your head.” The poor bird quietly absorbs all your sins and earns a kick in return.
This brought back memories of my teenage years on the eve of Yom Kippur. My father would wake me at four in the morning, after which I would dress hurriedly, rush through the mikvah and the selichos prayers, and then hurry to perform the kapparos ritual before sunrise.
One year, when I was 14, my father woke me to a cold and rainy early morning. I grabbed my umbrella from the coat rack in our hallway, and rushed to begin my Erev Yom Kippur routine. After dunking in the mikva and reciting selichos I planted myself, still half-asleep, in a long line of Hasidim pushing and shoving irritably, waiting for my turn to get a chicken. The sounds of squawking hens and roosters were a bizarre accompaniment to our somber thoughts. The ten days of atonement had us contemplating the past year, examining it for sins and transgressions, thinking thoughts of atonement, forgiveness, and resolutions for better behavior during the upcoming year. God, in his infinite mercy, had given us the opportunity to atone for our sins, to transfer it all unto a fine specimen of poultry, and for that we were immensely grateful.
I was jolted from my thoughts when a squawking rooster was placed in my arms, and before I could properly adjust my hold on it, I was shoved aside by those behind me. I now had a restless chicken in one hand and a prayer book and an umbrella in the other. The rain was coming down hard, but I had to lose the umbrella to perform the ritual. I laid it aside and was almost instantly drenched through all my layers of clothes. No matter, I thought, the discomfort would add to my merits; braving the cold and the rain to perform this cherished ritual will allow a more complete transfer of my sins.
I stepped to the side, swung the chicken over my head, all the while reciting the short prayer: Zeh chalifasi, zeh kaparasi, zeh temirasi. This is my exchange, this is my atonement, this is my substitute, this rooster will go to its death and I will enter to long and peaceful life. After repeating the process three times I lay the chicken on the ground and gave it a soft kick in the head, all the while concentrating on the thought that all that the chicken now endures should’ve rightfully been done to me.
It was now time to stand in the second line, the one leading to a station where an old man with a long white beard stood with a sharp knife, taking the chicken from the hands of each bearer and slitting its throat. Here too, I concentrated on the thought that I, by all rights, should’ve been in the chicken’s place. It was only God, in his infinite mercy, who allowed the slaughter of a chicken instead of requiring my own throat to be slit.
The shochet’s hands were slow and unsteady. The line moved forward at an agonizingly slow pace. The rain was still pounding, and I struggled to keep the chicken in one hand while keeping my umbrella steady in the other. The pushing and shoving by impatient Hasidim around me didn’t let up. My arms began to feel sore, the chicken was surprisingly heavy, and I struggled to alternate the chicken and the umbrella from one hand to the other. My chicken was mostly quiet, although every few minutes I would hear it make a sound or shift its weight slightly. The closer we got to the head of the line, the quieter it became, until, toward the end it seemed to settle down completely, almost as if it were asleep. I finally got to the head of the line, and the old man took my chicken, allowing me to stretch my arms in relief.
The shochet examined the chicken, and then looked at me astonished. “This chicken is dead,” he said. “Go get another.”
I had to stand in line again for a fresh chicken and repeat the whole ordeal. The rain, giving no letup, felt even more forceful and this time I wasn’t so accepting of the discomfort. This transferring of sins was becoming a major burden. But I had little choice, I had to complete the process correctly, I wouldn’t be fully cleansed of my sins otherwise.
“What took you so long?” my father asked in a harsh and demanding tone when I finally got home.
I told him what happened.
“You baal aveira,” he said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “Your sins must’ve been too heavy for the first chicken, you practically killed it. You’ll have some real atoning to do this Yom Kippur. You’ll probably need the whole year to atone, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be forgiven.”
He must be right, I thought, and I felt sorry for the chicken that my sins had murdered. I spent that Yom Kippur tormenting myself with guilt, and prayed for forgiveness like never before.
I don’t know whether I was forgiven or not, but for years after I felt sorry for that poor first chicken, dying under the burden of my sins without even making it to the slaughterer’s knife.
(Rev. by HR)
28 Responses
Did you agree with the rebbe and teach your son that animal cruelty is the norm?
It’s not enough that you swing it around and kill it? You have to torture the poor bird, too? At least Muslims are required to give an animal water and speak softly to it before slaughtering it.
Sounds to me like you probably smothered it accidentally or held it in a way so it couldn’t breathe. Lots of kids do this. I’m sure it doesn’t make you feel any better, but I wouldn’t blame your sins.
I can’t help but wonder — are some of you missing the satire?
great piece. although, it takes me back to a time i’de much rather forget.
Ha Ha Ha…This is funny shit! LMAO.
You know what choke the chicken is a euphemism for?
Eli, that would be “Theological Debate”.
Hasidic Rebel, it’s not great satire. But it is a stinging indictment of the brutal, primitive nature of a bunch of our time-hallowed rituals.
Todd, great or not, the writer is pointing out the inanity of the practice rather than celebrating it.
You knew you were sin-free when the second chicken survived.
P.S. There are no squawking “hens” on Erev Yom Kipur, only roosters. Obisel Tznius faren haligsten toog!
There is something I have been wondering for quite a while:
What is it with people, that once they claim to stop believing in God, and they start living the lifestyle he proscribed, and right around the time they abandon their poor kids – they suddenly become passionate animal and bird lovers, tree huggers, and ‘environmental enthusiasts’. Oh, and then they feel justified to hate on all those who aren’t as ‘open-minded and loving’ as them.
Somehow these liberal and ‘accepting’ people turn into chauvinistic bigots towards every human being who does not subscribe to their new found religion.
I’m wondering about the connection and the justification… and how they are so blind to the hypocrisy which is too apparent.
What is it with people, Abe, who promote and extol a culture of fear and intimidation upon all those who dare dissent, who rip sons from their mothers’ bosoms and daughters from their fathers’ embrace, and then dare to blame those they victimize as selfish and hateful?
What is it with these people, Abe?
What is it with people, Abe, who force young men and women into miserable and loveless marriages, denying them opportunities for any kind of happiness, and then to wonder what on earth they did wrong?
What is it with people, Abe, who claim to be open-minded and to realize the insanity of the lifestyle to which they too have been confined but are unable to pry their own tortured souls from wallowing in suppressed regret for their own failures to act in their own benefit, painting a facade of nobility over a gutted and rusty frame of cowardice?
What is it with these people, indeed? Can you tell me that, Abe?
Looks like I touched a raw nerve.
Every question you posted has been debated time and time again, and it’s senseless to go at it again. But if you would be so kind as to address my issue instead of getting all riled up, I’ll do the same in return.
Sorry, Abe, you raised no issue of substance. And yes, you touched a raw nerve. As if mocking kapures shlugen is really unjustified, and somehow related to, in your words, child abandonment.
Seriously, why would anyone care to address your issue if you can’t frame it (even if only to pretend) in the language of thoughtful discourse? Why do you even pretend your comment was anything but rhetorical vomit?
Call it rhetorical vomit if you wish, but this seriously is something I’m curious about. Why is it that as soon as people abandon God they rush to embrace any other popular deity so long as it isn’t religious at its core?
Even more ironic is how they embrace it with the same fervor as the most fanatic religious nutcase.
Abe,
First off no one ever abandons there family and kids. In most cases, it is the cult community who breaks apart our families. By brainwashing and blackmailing our ex-wives and kids to abandon us and hate us. Further more, most of the time we are shoved out of our marriages by so-called rabies and family friends, for the simple reason that we do not fit in their box.
As for the second issue, regarding our love and passion for the animals. That is what happens when we go out in the world and we start to try to rebuild our lives on the outside. We meet many wonderful people who support us and accept us for who we are. That is when we realize that the phenomenon of bishvili nivra haolam is just another way of the systems brainwashing machine to make us feel that we are the chosen ones, and everything else is trash in comparison. That is when; we develop a sense of caring for the other creatures that share our planet. Be it gentiles, animals, or even Jews that do not believe in everything that this system wants us to believe in. So yes, we embrace everything and everyone that accepts us as humans, and we hate those who for their own selfish bigoted reasons stole our lives, families, and jobs. Aren’t you the same?
So the first chicken took too many sins for it to bear will the other took the balance and survived.If that had atoned for your sins,why was your father so pissed?!
I never bothered with this ritual or any other ‘holy’ ritual involving pushing and shuving.
…
I haven’t posted since the MP fiasco. I felt that I should now.
I love this site and its essays. The problem I see, is when there someone that response with dissent, the response is usually with anger and negativity.
HR.. I hear your point and will agree with you only because I now know your background. It seems that you you equate all off yidishkiet from the prism of the enclave you grew up within. My disgust with that self serving boss equates yours.
I must tell you that I also agree with Abe. He seems to have hit on a legit issue. I also find that alot of OTD’rs tend to be mad at believers and and have no tolerence for the religious point of veiw.
Is there a possibilty that even if you find that God doesnt exist, that I found that he does? Is it possible that even if someone is apethatic to g-d, that they enjoy living in the community and abiding by its social norms? Is it honorable that when marrying as a religous person to another believer, that when one spouse decides cont…..
Is it honorable that when marrying as a religous person to another believer, that when one spouse decides that they do not believe, to expect the spouse to change? or even expect the spouse to allow the kids to be shown the others newfound way of life? The same goes for Mormons, Christians, and Atheists.
Its allright to attemp to convince the other so spouse to join, but if not drop it and get ready for some heartbreak. But pease dont blame the religon.
I will give you that we are becoming more Taliban like and are moving away from real judiasim. But that is not all over.
I live in one of the brooklyn Chasidishe areas. I wear the chasidishe outfit. I am chasidish. I, however, do not buy into the notion of rebbe is god, jesus, direct messenger, whatever….. I voice that opinion. I also voice my opinion about God. Its not the accepted approach but it works for me. No one distances themselfs from me. I am not ostracized etc….
What I dislike about this site is the verbal attacks. whe
What I dislike about this site is the verbal attacks. when someones questions your believe, instead of explaining, you go on the offensive. That attitude is the same as the people and group that you left from. And if tolerence is what you want, Then tolerence you most show.
What I love about this site is the writing, the comedy, and the sadness within the satires.
Keep it up and keep it tolerant
Shloimy —
“It seems that you you equate all off yidishkiet from the prism of the enclave you grew up within.”
If true that I — or any other OTDs — lump all of yiddishkeit into one category, it is even more true about the opposite: those in the believing camp tend to lump all OTDs as one.
You misunderstand my position, be it regarding yiddishkeit, chasidus, or Skver. I have little antagonistic feeling towards any of those. I admit that at times I might feel angry at certain aspects, but overall I have more affection than resentment. Even with a practice such as kapparos, I actually don’t see it the same way other (perhaps most?) OTDs see it. I do find it to be one of the more bizarre practices, and it’s certainly not for the squeamish. But any criticism of it on my part is more due to its almost overtly pagan quality than anything else.
Your dislike of the tone in the comments is understandable. And I grant that certain comments can light my sometimes short fuse. But to call the recent spat ‘intolerance of dissent’ is highly inaccurate. Abe’s comment wasn’t one of dissent; it wasn’t even one of mockery. It was an overt and gratuitous insult, couched in terms of a question that was as ridiculous as it was disingenuous.
“I must tell you that I also agree with Abe. He seems to have hit on a legit issue. I also find that alot of OTD’rs tend to be mad at believers and and have no tolerence for the religious point of veiw.”
I can’t speak for others, but I have a lot of tolerance for religion, and I’ve written about it several times. What I have little tolerance for is a society’s misappropriation of religion to justify highly questionably behavior that has little to do with genuine religious feeling.
“Is there a possibilty that even if you find that God doesnt exist, that I found that he does? Is it possible that even if someone is apethatic to g-d, that they enjoy living in the community and abiding by its social norms?”
Certainly. And I’ve never said otherwise.
“Is it honorable that when marrying as a religous person to another believer, that when one spouse decides that they do not believe, to expect the spouse to change? or even expect the spouse to allow the kids to be shown the others newfound way of life?”
This is a complex question. I might revisit it at some point in a more lengthy discussion, but in a nutshell: I don’t know anyone who expects a believing spouse to change, nor do I think such expectation justified. The more important question is about the children. It isn’t a simple matter of “the marriage was premised on raising the children a certain way.” People’s minds change. Conservatives become liberal, atheists become religious, devoted carnivores become vegans, it happens all the time. And to expect that all people must stick to one opinion or forfeit their rights to maintain a healthy relationship with their children is both cruel and nonsensical.
As for actively changing the childrens’ lifestyle, that’s a different question. In general, I don’t believe that should be done. I don’t see how it can be done without subjecting the child to significant psychological issues. So even if it were justifiable on a philosophical level, it’s sort of a moot point since on a practical level it isn’t feasible.
“when someones questions your believe, instead of explaining, you go on the offensive. “
I don’t think that’s true. A reasoned argument will get a reasoned response. An accusation or an insult will be responded to in kind. Should I rather ignore the latter than return the insult? Perhaps. But I’ll admit to the impish delight at putting a hater in his/her place.
I’m thumbing my response so ill be short for now.
I’m starting to appreciate your responses. I guess we are in agreement on many issues.
Hope to have a chance before Rosh Hashana to sit down and respond appropiatly.
HR – while both Shloimy and Abe didn’t exactly present their point well (at all,) they are right – it isn’t a coincidence that OTD’s become environmentalists, pro-animal rights, generally very liberal politically (even on economic issues that l’chora have little to with their own biases) etc. Now, whether or not that’s a result of their being so thoroughly constituted by their hatred for their previous lifestyle to the point of adopting the animal rights platform JUST because it contradicts the teachings of their former group (as Abe sought to insinuate) or some other reason, is of course a different question. My guess? Some combination of the liberal internet culture they find themselves in once they leave, their NY-area surroundings, the fact that leaving in the first place means you’re less “conservative” in temperament than most – and yes, also because the vast majority of people who make such a drastic change in lifestyle and identity will, for at least a short while, sometimes for longer, define themselves as “not-that.” I’ve seen it with my friends who went OTD, I’ve seen it with my friends who flipped out in Israel. Part of recreating yourself (as we all know from the Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuva ;-)) is distancing yourself from your former self, and that can be done through ideological identification as much as through eating cheeseburgers.
Of course, to claim that consequently, their position on any of these issues is inherently discredited is to commit the genetic fallacy. But there’s no sense in denying Abe’s claim that the phenomenon exists. Haven’t you hosted discussions of it, here?
Jon, you state the premise as if it’s a given and then go on to explain why it’s so. While it’s possible that some OTDs are avowed environmentalists/animal rights supporters, I think the majority are no more so than the average secular person. I don’t see that as being unusual at all. If that’s what you’re explaining, then I’d be inclined to agree, but you seem to be saying more than that — as if OTDs become especially passionate about these issues. I for one have not seen it to be the case.
Well, my own experience has been different, and most of the OTD’s I’ve met are party-line liberals (I don’t mean that pejoratively). But then, you definitely have a whole lot more experience interacting with OTD’s than I do, so maybe it’s just me.
Dear Unpious authors, readers, and fans,
I would like to take this opportunity to bless all of you with a gmar chasima tova and a git gebentchd yur. May we all be zocha to see hisgalus alikie this year already and even in this dire time of hostoras punim, may hashem give us chizuk to be able to feel some connection to him and be ovday hashem be’ames. Have an easy fast and beg hashem who loves “all” of us for a wonderful and happy year!
Sincerely,
Your fellow unpious reader
Jon, you’re assuming an awful lot, that people who leave Charedism automagically become atheists, liberals, animal rights activists (and probably homosexuals and witches who destroy capitalism and kill their children like Pat Robertson said about feminism).
What’s interesting is the implication that there is a single choice. Either you’re a theist, a right winger, cruel to animals and all the rest or you’re not on the Path. By pretty direct implication there’s only one acceptable political stance, one acceptable ethical stance, one acceptable set of biases and positions that goes with being a believer in Charedism. I suppose uniform thought goes with uniform clothes, uniform food, uniform education and all the rest.
What we have here is a classic case of the Authoritarian Submissive personality led by the Authoritarian Dominant personality. It must be threatening to you to realize that freedom means the freedom to hold different views which is why everyone who isn’t in your bubble seems to be everything you have been told to fear and hate.
If you would like a little insight into the phenomenon Professor Bob Altmeyer has made his excellent book “The Authoritarians” available for free download.