No Thanks, Mom and Dad
Luzer Twersky2011[First Person]
“What am I paying tuition for?!” my father’s shrieking voice echoed through our home. He sat opposite me at the table brutally kicking my legs from under it. My mind was unavailingly trying to escape the physical and emotional pain and make sense of it all.
“What do you do in cheider?! Do I work all week only for you to klutz?!” He was breathing heavily, obviously very disappointed and in a lot of pain. I began to cry, my legs ached and so did my heart. Like most children, I didn’t want to disappoint my father.
It was Shabbos afternoon, and he was testing me on my studies, as he did every week. I was ten years old, and just started gemureh. It was bad enough with mishnayos, but now with gemureh my torment was increasing at an alarming rate. Gemureh was hardcore hair-splitting, the stuff that old men with droopy eyelids and long white beards had been fussing over for millenia. I had other things on my mind, though; the laws of prayer quorums and the high priets’s rituals on Yom Kippur aren’t exactly every ten-year-old’s area of interest.
A week earlier, I told my father that I needed a new gemureh.
“Take one of my old ones,” he said.
“But I’ll be the only kid in class with an old gemureh,” I said, “I’ll look like a nebech.”
He wasn’t impressed. I had to admit, though, he had a point. Given my past record, he didn’t think I’d be using it much, so why buy me a new one? I’d promised myself that as soon as I started gemureh, I was going to change; I would begin paying attention. But I suppose I could no longer be trusted. I’d made that promise to myself – and to him – before, but didn’t live up to it. My enthusiasm for a new gemureh, however, was real. I wanted to study well, and I thought a new gemureh would help. And I desperately needed to stop the hard toe of my father’s shoe from banging against my legs.
My teachers and parents preached that studying our ancient laws and sacred texts would improve my life. But the Torah and Talmud didn’t explain dick for a ten-year-old like myself. The week passed slowly and with every hour my anxiety grew, along with the fear of my father’s fists.
When Shabbos afternoon came, there was nowhere to hide. My brothers and I knew that my father would soon wake from his chulent nap and summon us to his interrogation room. We always wished we were sick so that for one blessed week we’d be spared. We tried to distract ourselves by playing games quietly. Playing loudly would awaken our parents and wouldn’t serve us well during the examination. To relieve the tension we joked about my father, imitating his voice and his outbursts, but that all came to an end when the lion woke and showed up at the playroom door.
“What are you doing here?” he bellowed. “Are you ready to be tested? Why aren’t you studying?”
Here it comes, I thought. It was like facing Dr. Mengele at the selection; none of us wanted to go first but we all knew our turn will come, and it did.
My father’s question hung in the air unanswered, and for many years I wondered about it. “What am I paying tuition for?” What for, indeed.
Now that I’m older, and a father myself, I think I know the answer: It’s what everyone did. Public image is perhaps the most important thing in the Hasidic community. What would people think of parents who didn’t send their kids to school? My parents demanded reward, as if I owed them for changing my diapers. As if they had the right to bill me for the food I ate at their expense.
Why did my father pay tuition? Why did my mother feed us? Why did they have us in the first place? The most likely answers: They had children because they didn’t want to die alone. They had more children because it made them feel like better Jews. They changed my diapers because it made them feel like good parents. They wanted me to study because they wanted me to be their personal nachas-machine.
These days, when I see a parents with children, I see only selfish motivations. Religious or secular, adults make babies only for their own benefit. They nurture their kids in a way that makes them, and not necessarily the child, feel good. My father’s violent behavior was probably not the norm. But when I come across short-tempered people, I fervently hope they stick to wearing condoms. If they get aggravated waiting in line at Starbucks, how will they handle annoying babies? Think about that before ejaculating, and pull out.
27 Responses
The site counted 28 responses; 27 survive in the archived copies.
I can sympathize. My father wasn’t nearly as harsh as yours, but I was never that great at gemerah and on occasion he would ask the same question: “What am I paying tuition gor?”
> These days, when I see a parents with children, I think only one thing: Selfish jerks.
That’s a bit harsh, no? Selfish, sure. Ultimately, everything we do is selfish. But jerks? Most parents really do want to do what’s best for their kids.
it seems like you were a mistake just like the rest of us. it wouldve been a nice feeling knowing i was planned…
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This story says just as much to me about ADD as it does about parenting.
Even now, as an adult, have you discussed that possibility with a psychiatrist? You might just find that that conversation would be life-changing in a very positive way.
I’m for the psychologist visit. Given the Shoah reference, I almost forgot that parents have laid down their lives for their children while knowing few of them were likely to survive the year, adding to their own suffering even while living. Or children for their parents. Or on the biological side, the personal ‘selfishness’-trumping drives of basic species reproduction, empathy and compassion evidenced in other species. Or long-term altruism. “During a famine in Russia, for example, scientists guarded the seed bank of plant genetics so that future generations would have the benefits of genetic diversity in food crops. For the benefit of others, they allowed themselves to starve to death in a lab filled with grain” (Temple Grandin). Not their own children, so hardly a selfishness as you decribe.
Michael and Pierre, while I’m certain the author of this piece would benefit from psychiatric sessions, I’d suggest you merely wait for him to grow up a bit. Right now he sounds like a silly, surly teenager. I’m sure he’ll outgrow this silliness in ten years or so.
Asher –
1) I disagree with your characterizing this as mere silliness. The conclusions he comes to are perhaps juvenile, but underlying them is serious pain and deeply felt scars. It may be that he’ll outgrow some of the attitudes expressed in this piece, but I think your comment discounts the reality of his pain and the seriousness and difficulty of healing from it.
2) My point was not about psychiatric sessions to deal with “issues”. Framing it as, “Man, you’ve got problems, you should see a shrink” is seldom helpful. My point is, from the symptoms he’s describing it may be that he suffered from a particular condition (ADHD) as a child. Despite common misconceptions, in many cases ADHD persists into adulthood. For someone who has been living with undiagnosed with ADHD for years, a correct diagnosis can only make a huge impact. The realization that “there’s a name for all these challenges that I struggle with day-to-day, minute-to-minute” does a heck of a lot to validate a person’s struggles. Medication can make a world of difference for many people.
I am not about to diagnose someone from a single blog post. It needs to be done by a psychiatrist (not psychologist) who is familiar with the condition. But I’ll tell you this – if an ADHD diagnosis is correct in this instance, and if medication turns out to be the right treatment plan for him, Luzer will be a much happier person for the next ten years than he would without a diagnosis and treatment.
I agree with you, Michael. I realize that my comment was too flippant. It’s just that my first thought on reading this article was about the author’s immaturity. His belief that his parents and community caused his problems struck me as a typically self-centered teenager’s bitching. That does not, of course, negate that teenager’s pain.
I forgot to mention before –
Luzer, you have GOT to read this book at the very least. http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Recognizing-Attention-Childhood/dp/0684801280
C’mon guys!
If your concerns are about the well being of the subject, you should have opted to forward him the information thru private channels e.g. email. Doing so publicly may defeat the purpose or perhaps even be harmful.
Please be considerate adults…
I disagree. There are probably many others like this author who are reading this page and I think the discussion is beneficial for them as well.
I absolutely agree with you in principle that consideration for the author is paramount, but disagree that the discussion here was counter to that goal.
B”H
Michael:
I absolutely agree that more than one author/commenter on this blog may suffer from ADD or perhaps ADHD and a host of other illnesses. It’s quite evident…
However, I would have made a general remark as information rather than stick it to the author. That’s the point I’m trying to drive.
” His belief that his parents and community caused his problems struck me as a typically self-centered teenager’s bitching. That does not, of course, negate that teenager’s pain.”
No, it just negates that he did have some valid points.
His parents and community might not have caused his problems but they certainly exacerbated it and did NOTHING to help.
“Public image is perhaps the most important thing in the Hasidic community.”
That is another mostly true point the author is attempting to portray.
If you knew this person and his family, allot of questions would be answered. I know his father, knew his grandfather, and great-grandfather Luzer, who was a most revered tzadik. Micheal, i think you got it – and him – down pat. And Luzer, I fervently hope that you’ll find inner peace and tranquility in your life.
i think what luzer refers to is the impression that his father does not see him as who he is, a 10 year old boy who wants perhaps to do something other than study. this also occurs in the secular world where parents want their kids to be athletes or musicians or good little girls without really connecting with the child’s actual personality. we know a haredi family, bal’t shuvahs who have 4 children who range from 15 to 3. one of the teen boys wants to listen to rock music, talk to girls, play sports, own dogs, and join the US military. his sister is a very good haredi girl who loves to daven and do all the typical “girl” things of the household. kids have different personalities and not all of them fit the mold. a good parent will respect who their child is and try to guide them by attraction not coercion.
Sam,
Actually those “planning” parents can be even worse. Their expectations are higher and they are less likely to admit to any wrongdoing. My point is, it takes a great person with great qualities (midos) and a lot of humbleness to raise a child. If one thinks he/she isn’t that type of person, he/she has no business baby-making.
Michael Kopinsky,
ADD and other mental illnesses are important issues and definitely require a lot more attention than they are getting, especially in Hasidic community. In a recent discussion with my elementary menahel (principal) we discussed that at length and he claims that Hasidic schools now try to give these kids the proper attention and care they require, which was non-existent in my times.
My personal medical records – or lack thereof – as well as my social security number are irrelevant.
alte kallah,
Well said.
I don’t know about the specific parents portrayed in this article and if it’s accurate or not..but it struck a raw nerve about the parental abuse found in the chassidic community that is very often whitewashed.
I’m not assuming that its more or less prevalent than in mainstream communities .. but what I am saying is that it is often ignored and/or blamed on the child!
The faulty logic told or at least implied to these children is that adults are always right and so the hurt and pain is never validated.
Has anyone experienced anything similiar?
While I understand the author’s pain,having experienced much of the same, I take issue with his conviction that all parenting is inherently selfish. Many of us do make great sacrifices for our children not because we live vicariously through them, but rather because we hope we can facilitate the best life outcomes for them. When we are able to accept the fact that they are unique individuals who will hopefully grow to be independent of us, we can celebrate their triumphs and try to help them learn and grow from their mistakes.
In my opinion, two of the most important things we can do for our children are : congratulating them when they make mistakes and helping them to recognize their weaknesses so as to live through their strengths. My children don’t hear the words “I’m proud of you” until they’ve responded to my question: “are you proud of yourself?”
Mr Kopinsky, I do not know whether or not the writer of this article is schizophrenic or what have you.
What I do know though, is that practically *every* frum Jew, makes the *identical* claim to the one you make here, upon hearing stories of dissent such as the one on this page, namely that the protagonist is sick and needs “help”.
Surely, the system is just so wholesome and perfect, that dissatisfaction has to be the manifestation of illness.
Fuck all of you armchair psychatrists.
Thanks L for another poignant, evocative and thought provoking piece of writing. Also, I recognize an observable improvement in your writing skills! Keep it up!
Sir R, I’ll only add some advice to those above mentioned armchair psychia-twists, the B”H, the B.A. and the B.S. Get up from said chair, get a hold of any up-to-date textbooks of your profession. Recline on the sofa – for a change – and catch up on all the chapters you’ve seemed to miss. The one’s that have the word “Projection” in the title.
And to Jerry the psycho-geneticist: Can you elucidate a bit. I too know the author, his father, grand fatherS and great grand fatherS… and l’ma’alah bakodesh. Yet I fail to see how that leads to your conclusions, ve’tzarikh iyun gadol.
בס”ד
Look, we all went through hard times and lived to talk about it. I truly believe that making it through thick and thin helped me be who I am today; a strong and able mature adult ב”ה. All the psychobabble about being more lenient and understanding blah blah blah, is the source for our breeding total failures in society. I already had several opportunities to examine up close the results of such upbringing. Individuals who were not taught to be obedient as children have difficulties facing challenges. It does not take rocket science to grasp this. No, I do not condone severe abuse, but this situation nowadays; parents being palsy walsy with their children is getting way out of hand. Children want to be admonished and guided; those who fail to do so are the real child abusers. Wake up and smell the @#$%
Just sayin’
OUCH! I’m totally with you and everything. I suffocated myself with all that crap for 25 YEARS. Now I know that I went to the best yeshiva in brooklyn, but I have no life, no freinds or “chevra” from that place and I’m bored and alone. And this if for having having memorized and logicized and panicked over getting farhered almost the whole shas!
what a waste of a life, and its not even worth the education and degrees that the rest of the world goes for…
As someone who was not raised religious commenting…(lapsed BT)
I left work one time in my early 20s and got to chit chatting with a co-worker. He was married with kids. He wasnt hitting on me or anything but asked me didn’t I want to get married and have kids. I told him I wasn’t sure, probably if I met someone I wanted to marry. He was obviously very pro-family saying that it was selfish to not marry and have kids. I responded to him that having kids I either didn’t want or wasn’t really in the position to care for would be more selfish. He was forced to agree.
Good stuff lazer, your best yet
a reiner meshugener.
1) For a frum 10-year-old boy, is Talmud the only pathway to Jewish learning that is authentic enough to justify the tuition payments? Could it be that the insistence on Talmud-only serves to turn some kids away from “the” derech that their parents prefer?
2) How about setting a goal to understand Haftarot? Or Tefillah? Very relevant material for a regular attender at minyan. Could frum boys be encouraged to master the same material the girls are studying (where the girls do not learn Talmud)?
3) Any reluctant student will flourish better if a teacher or parent shows passion for the subject, and skill at conveying the passion, beauty, relevance or deeper meaning of the material.
4) Perhaps consider Piyut or Tehillim more often as a study topic. These texts say explicitly, I love you God, which might bring a son or daughter closer to a passionate love of and connection to Torah than a study of legalistic Halacha.
5) For a student who really is reluctant to study (as opposed to simply being 10 years old on a relaxing Shabbos afternoon), how about directing his or her focus to community involvement? Learn to be a gabbai (including associated halachot). Learn to coordinate chesed projects (leadership skills) or to perform them. Join Pirchei or other Shabbos groups. Produce a puppet show. Take a neighbor’s young kids to the park so that their parents can get a nap. Or is learning the only mitzvah?
6) If a child’s learning skills are not in line with their general IQ, please consider learning disabilities or different learning styles. Diverting some of the tuition dollars into the therapy fund might be the most important gift a parent can give a child.
7) How much Torah can children learn indirectly on a Shabbos afternoon, from singing with their Abba, playing games (actual games, like Shoots and Ladders, not Judaic flashcards), or just chatting about their week, their friends and their feelings?