Marital Experiments
FreiFem2011My husband doesn’t believe in marriage. “You were the only person in the world who could have convinced me I wanted to get married!” he likes to declare. Which is sweet. He likes to do things his own way – and has built a pretty successful and happy life doing so.
Personally, I’m a fan of the concept of marriage, but doubtful of the existence of happy ones. I have no interest in the chauvinistic, mundane meldings of the religious people of my youth, or the strands of bitterness, selfishness and dishonesty I see so often amongst my married secular friends and acquaintances and in popular culture.
Since we are skeptics, we approached the institution gingerly, curiously. We spent most of our marriage long distance, only together on the weekends, which was an interesting mix of independence and co-living, that resulted in sweet reunions and much intensified fights (when the train is leaving out of state in 20 minutes, it gives a disagreement that much more urgency). When circumstances finally allowed us to move in together, we got a two bedroom place and kept separate beds. I didn’t want to melt into him, to lose myself. He liked the unconventionality of it. The experiment had mixed results. It was nice to have our own space, but that space also made things complicated some times, becoming an added factor in subtle negotiations of intimacy. When we moved, we got a 400sqf studio where we live (happier than ever) on a single bed.
But still, despite our deep love for each other and happiness with our relationship, the fear persists. Fear, for him, of complacency, normality. Fear, for me, of the pervasive resentment and disconnection I have always seen in the marriages around me.
We celebrate our third wedding anniversary next week, and we’re trying a new experiment in its honor: I’m going to spend a few days before the anniversary on my own, and we’re only going to communicate via email (well, besides for the 3 month pre-natal check up we’ve got on Monday. Squeeeeeeee!!!!!!). Perhaps the temporary uncoupling of our daily lives will give us some fresh perspective – new appreciation for the things we take for granted about each other, awareness of complacent habits we may have fallen into, focus on the blessing and joy of entering into another year of marriage with someone as curious and experimental as ourselves….
I’ll let you know how it goes!!
What do you think of marriage? Do you believe a happy marriage can exist? If yes, what are its ingredients?
5 Responses
I do believe that happy marriages can exist, but though I’ve been married for close to 14 years to an amazing guy, I couldn’t say exactly what makes for a happy marriage for everybody.
I could trot out cliches like love, trust, good communication, and the like, but it would feel insufficient and dishonest. It sounds as though you and your hubby are open to finding your own way, and being truthful in the process. I appreciate your generosity in sharing your journey with us, your readers.
Oh, and Happy Anniversary!
Happy anniversary!
A weighty subject, this happy marriage thing but I think it very much depends on how one’s philosophy of relationships developed. Previous failed relationships set one up to thinking pessimistically about future long-term relationships and vice versa. It also has a lot to do with personal views on commitment. Some people don’t think commitment is all that it’s cracked up to be. Others are willing to stick by it through thick and thin.
I think our culture — specifically in liberal, cosmopolitan, urban centers — has caused our respect for the institution to erode. (And by institution I mean long-term relationships, “till death do us part,” — as opposed to the legal and religious sanctioning of matrimony.) But if you and your spouse can carve out your own space within which to fortify the personal values of commitment, I believe it can lead to a long and happy life together. Of course, there are always bumps, but by continually reinforcing that personal value you’ve claimed for yourself, when you know that no matter what, you ultimately stick by each other, you come to realize that bumps in the road are mere hiccups; annoying, yes — but soon to be in the forgettable past.
Absolutely, happy marriages do exist. It doesn’t mean every moment is great and there are planty of nasty difficult times. And the moments, good bad great blue, upsetting disappointing exhilarating, all seem to come out of the blue. The trick may be in having realistic expectations.
A trully happy marriage, in my opinion, is possible if the two people involved are happy people, meaning each person individually is happy within themselves, comfortable with who they are and is there to share the positive in them with another person that will appreciate it, and respond by reciporcating and sharing what they have to offer. when a person has negative feelings about oneself, they will filter every interaction through a specific distorted lense, they will find fault in the partner sometimes to distract themselves from what they hate in themselves, or become too dependent… and that usually ends in disappointment.
There has to be that separation, idependent identity, and (if one decides to be married- {and lucky them, if they have the option to decide if they want to get married}), there also has to be that coming together and sincere interest in each other.
Thank you all for the kind wishes and for the excellent pointers…