Corpse Pose with a Mitzvah Tank

Prenatal Yoga (1)

Wide stance. Soften knees. Sit back. Hold. 90 seconds. Thighs tense. Muscles tremble. Pain. Painpainpainpain. Why the hell am I doing this? Should I just push up a few inches, reduce the strain on my legs? Ow. This really hurts.

“This will help you in labor,” yoga teacher says. “See where your mind goes when you’re in pain. Redirect your mind to the positive. Imagine your baby. Who is your baby going to look like? What fun things are you looking forward to with your baby?”

Fun things? I’ve been obsessing about how the hell I’m going to care for a helpless creature and if sleepless nights are going to strain my marriage and what if I suffocate my baby by mistake. Fun?

I imagine a big eyed, sweet smelling curly headed toddler, snuggled up to my side, looking up at me, loving me. I imagine a tiny baby sighing in his sleep, his wet lips brushing my neck as he relaxes into my shoulder. I realize I’m grinning like an idiot as I’m hit with an epiphany. I love babies. I totally forgot that all of this is about a baby. About getting to be a mom. I’ve been so busy worrying and stressing out, I totally lost track of that-

“90 seconds!” We rise up, releasing our legs. I could have squatted for another ten minutes at that point.

Prenatal Yoga (2)

Shivasana. Corpse pose. We lie back on two blocks, a bolster and a blanket, two bolsters under the legs for support, heart center open to the ceiling, collar bones spread, arms wide, palms up. Sink into deep nothingness. Tired muscles gratefully loosening, opening. Calm, joy washes over me. Peace. The room is quiet. Outside the open window, the muted noises of traffic passing slip back, as I breathe in. Breathe out. Relaxed.

YUYYUYYAYAYUYUY-YUYUYYUYUYUYUY

Suddenly, the room is loud with the blaring music of a passing vehicle. A “mitzvah tank”.

Are you fucking kidding me? Here? In corpse pose? A fucking mitzvah tank?

Deep breathe in, deep breath out. Relax the jaw.

YUYYUYYAYAYUYUY-YUYUYYUYUYUYUY

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

YUYYUYYAYAYUYUY-YUYUYYUYUYUYUY

I give up on the whole relaxing like a dead person thing. I let myself laugh. It’s just too damn funny.