A Good Mother
Tzirel Gesher2011Winter 2011 ContestReflectionsThe summer afternoons are beautiful and long. My daughter is two. Since she doesn’t have a younger sibling to play with during these endless afternoons (and who knows if and when she ever will), I make sure she has friends to play with.
I take her to Yankele from across the street. Yes, he is a boy and she is a girl, but at this tender age, even the Rebbeishe cousins still play together.
We sit on the couch, Yankele’s mommy and me. I adore her. She is so sincere, so frum and sweet. I savor her gentleness and goodness. I love spending time with her.
Some days I feel very uncomfortable about the way I look. Today, I don’t feel so uncomfortable. I’m wearing a denim skirt and pink top and I wiped off my hot pink nail polish yesterday, when I went to visit my parents. I’m actually wearing a snood, not the cap I usually do, with hair sticking out, or my pony shaitel.
Yankele’s mommy is wearing a turban that covers most of her face, thick chocolate brown stockings so her legs resemble no human leg, and big black sneakers that make her look 54 instead of 24. Her duster is plain and black and loose. Yet she is very pretty. I love her smile. She has perfect teeth Her eyebrows and eyelashes are a soft blonde, her eyes a warm green, and she has adorable freckles on her nose and cheeks.
I like her because she is a good mother. I connect with her because she used to work in the same special education school that I currently do. She had to stop working. She has two kids under the age of two and babysitting is too expensive. Her husband is in away in kollel from nine in the morning until seven at night, and she spends all day at home with her two babies. She doesn’t drive, so she can’t go to the park or supermarket. She’s alone all day, feeding, napping, nursing, and burping the babies, talking on the phone to her mother and sisters, cleaning up after one meal and cooking the next one. She has no entertainment. She can’t watch a movie on a DVD when she has a few free moments.
I could never tell her how I spend my day: I drop off my daughter, work a half day, then I run to the gym and burn calories as I watch the news and some witty commercial. Later I stop in Starbucks to get a fresh brewed coffee. I visit the library and pick up a “Sex in the City” dvd. Yes, I do cook dinner, and I do play with my daughter, but my day is full of experiences and encounters. How I pity my bright friend, a prisoner in her apartment.
I marvel at her cherubic face as we sit together on the couch. She reminds me of the model Abbey Lee, except that Abbey Lee poses for millions in Victoria’s Secret’s finest, and my friend would never pose that way, not even in the privacy of her bedroom.
“You are very beautiful,” I tell her. I am hesitant to say these words, but I am an honest and open person, I have to say what I feel.
“What?” Yankele’s mommy asks in disbelief.
I change my words to be a little simpler.
“You are very good looking,” I say.
“I never thought so,” she replies. Her words make me want to cry. No one ever dared say that to her. That she is beautiful.
We sit in awkward silence and when we begin to talk again, her voice is agitated. She says to her son, “Ok, let’s go outside now.”
Is she afraid that I am a lesbian? Does she even know such a concept exists? Anyhow, I am not a lesbian. Is she in shock? Is she just afraid, fearful of what she might desire and dream of knowing she might be beautiful? Is there something too goyish, too sinful, in being beautiful?
Recognizing her discomfort, I say to my daughter, “Ok, let’s go get some fresh air.” The children play outdoors and we talk about what’s cooking for dinner.
As we chat, I think back to my wedding day. The woman who came to do my hair so my crown would look pretty on my head, put some coverup on my face and blush on my cheeks “Do you want some eye make-up?” she asked me. I said “No.”
It took many many months after I was married before I could give myself permission to make myself beautiful; to put on eye liner, let alone eye shadow, and mascara. When I went to a wedding and I knew there were going to be men in the car, I would carry my perfume in a bag and wait till we got to the hall before I would shpritz a little bit on. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t be the cause of any male sin.
I thought I couldn’t be beautiful. I thought I had to look as ugly as I could without looking repulsive. I didn’t know about feeling feminine, those little womanly things that make a big difference. I didn’t know the pleasure of feeling good, feeling attractive.
Now that I’ve learnt about beauty, now that I enjoy my beauty, I feel sorry for my sweet friend who probably won’t ever feel that joy, who will live in fear of being beautiful, and who is frightened by the words, “you are very beautiful.”
20 Responses
I love this piece. It’s so delicate and innocent.
great post. you’ve reflected my thoughts of many of my orthodox friends. at first, i kept questioning myself if beauty wasn’t a waste of time, as we we taught. but then i realized that this how the jews survived in egypt (the women beautified themselves, so as to arouse the beat men). women are meant to celebrate their beauty and femininity, there is nothing wrong with that.
those who find fault with that, should search within themselves.
Lets make something clear: Your friends lack of understanding of the importance of a woman looking beautiful is not a product of her Yiddishkeit, but rather a product of her ignorance of Yiddishkeit.
This is not the proper way Jewish woman are supposed to feel and although her husband is in Kollel, it could be that he has no true Torah understanding of any of this.
This is just simple Am haratzes. If you are keeping Torah and it is making you miserable it is that your are not keeping the Torah properly. Torah is all Chesed. It is a gift and a tree of life. It causes life. Never sadness or longing if you do it properly.
Emes Rocker, what a load of kiruv-babble BS. Feminine beauty is dealt with in classical Jewish sources with supreme ambivalence at best.
‘Sheker hachein v’hevel hayofi.’
‘Hamistakel be’etzba ketana shel isha, ke’ilu mistakel bmakom hatoref.’
Talk about am ha’aratzus. You really should consider how foolish you look when you declare your opinions so adamantly. They show a narrow uninformed mind.
I could easily list several examples in the gemara where a woman’s beauty needs are considered of the utmost importance.
If you want a quicker version just see Rav Avigdor Millers “10 Commandments of Marriage” You don’t get more “Chareidi” than Rav Miller. I actually notice the more Modern Orthodox looking more shleppy than the Chareidi or Chassidim. They are the ones in the birkenstocks, long wrinkled denim dresses and no makeup. Oh and those long dresses dragging on the floor all ripped at the bottom. So classy-ugh!
Of course you can flip everything around to suit you own agenda. Nothing new in Jewish history. Everyone who is too weak to live the truth has to come up with some way to intellectually justify it. Yawn…
Ah, well said. Emes.
Refreshing & well written post.
Sheker hachen v’hevel hafofy shouldn’t be read as a statement condemning feminine beauty, it’s a moral statement that there are higher realms then physical beauty. If one reads the Tanach literally it is filled with romance and praise on the beauty of women & I’m not even talking about shir hashirim the most romantic poem of ancient times. In Talmud Nedurim we have the story of Rabbi Akivah who produced golden tooth for Jewish women and cried “Jewish women are beautiful it’s the poverty which makes them ugly”. I think Judaism at its core has it women to be nice it may have been messed up in dark ages and later by the Chasidic Movements.
Omg, this has got to be the most ridiculous post I’ve yet read on this site. Stereotypical, false, inane. In which century does this alleged woman exist? I don’t know a single chassidish woman who sits home all day, a prisoner in her home. And there isn’t anything about this writer’s day that would be shocking to a chassidishe woman. Most chassidishe women work, go to the gym, care about their appearance, and (gasp) even watch dvds. Hopefully, more intelligent ones than SITC, but whatever.
‘ I don’t know a single chassidish woman who sits home all day… [blah, blah, blah]’
Is it perhaps possible that there are some you don’t know? Just asking.
[i]Most chassidishe women [would] work [if they needed the money and had the time], [many would] go to the gym [if a heimish gym with women-only hours is available in their neighborhood, some would go to any gym], [most] care about their appearance [in ways they’re allowed to], and (gasp) [some] even watch dvds.[i/]
>Ah, well said. Emes.
oooooops, please go away and come back when you are mature enough Emes/Mitch and now Geddy.
I really enjoyed this piece , it has a rather beautiful and delicate touch. When reading about the lack of praising or even recognizing beauty amongst certain chassidm, I thought of Naomi Regans book Sotah.
Right now in williamsburg the frima are forcing the beuty salon on lee ave.to close shop,Because its a goish thing.
Original judaism is pro beauty,its only halachik judaism that messed it up.
There are numerous pieces in talmud that talks of beauty as a positive trait. Chaveh, sureh,rivkeh,…. The wife of r’ youchnen……. One of the ten tekuns of ezra was to sell perfume.
Who cares what judaism is ‘supposed to be’ or if the gemura is ‘pro-beauty’ someplace? What she is trying to portray, is the differences between her and her nieghbor, perhaps a woman she herself was and now isn’t. She is trying to portray the kollel/chassidish viebel and the way they are, or at least are supposed to be. She is trying to portray the issues that have never been dealt with in chassidishvill, like sex and beauty, and how a 20 something woman in the community with 2 kids, might cope and respond to them.
And she does a great job at it.
Since god lives in the human mind, each of you will have a total different version as to what he wants and what the “real” religion should look like. Which is basically your own view of right and wrong. Very nice, but hardly an actual portrayal of what is actually happening in the community all around you.
Yes according to the kiruv movement we have a beautiful shabbos dinner, as a matter of fact, that’s how they get to so many “lost souls” in the first place. Beautiful family, respect for parents, blah blah.. But have you ever spent a real shabbos seuda at a real home? The shouts of ‘come to the table!!’ The kids impatiants, the fathers remarks, the bickering, the horror of ‘farherin’ and rehearsed torahs,…common! Its a dysfunctional party at best.
Yes, every family is different, and some chassidish woman watch DVD’s, but the community as a whole is against education, self expression, beautifying of bodies, individuality, exploring the world outside of 13-18th ave, and certainly against sex education.
Who cares about what the ideal religious life is or should be, in your head? She is portraying reality, and excellently so.
Very Nice.
You say:
>She has no entertainment. She can’t watch a movie on a dvd when she has a few free moments.
I think she can, she might not want to and that maybe her choice.
>and my friend would never pose that way, not even in the privacy of her bedroom.
To be fair I think many a young Chasid is quite adventurous and experimenting behind closed doors. Some women do pose in any way they desire away from prying eyes, even if your friend won’t. The message today issued to young brides and grooms is not to be overly stringent in the bedroom. That is the rule and not the exception I think.
>“What?” Yankele’s mommy asks in disbelief.
I do wonder if you read her reaction correctly here.
That said, I think you do do a really great job here in presenting your two very different outlooks and with tenderness. You do not really justify your outlook more than you do hers, other than to say that *you* value *yours* more and so *you* feel sorry for her which is fine I think. We all do that.
Reb Shauly,
Nice to hear from you. Hope you had a great Pesach. Sounds again like you ate too much matzah and are a little blocked up. One word: PRUNES.
You wrote, “Yes according to the kiruv movement we have a beautiful shabbos dinner, as a matter of fact, that’s how they get to so many “lost souls” in the first place. Beautiful family, respect for parents, blah blah.. But have you ever spent a real shabbos seuda at a real home? The shouts of ‘come to the table!!’ The kids impatiants, the fathers remarks, the bickering, the horror of ‘farherin’ and rehearsed torahs,…common! Its a dysfunctional party at best.”
First of all in response:
This “dysfunctional” table that you mention is far from dysfunctional. Its called family. That is a very grand and wonderful word. Families sitting together with all different aged children for an hour or two a week. Who cares if sometimes it gets dysfunctional. Who cares if there can be some bickering here and there. Its still SHABBOS!! I once asked a gadol on a Shabbos morning after I had spent most of Friday night up all night with a sick child–how am I supposed to enjoy Shabbos with that kind of night. He simply said, “You were up with a sick kid on SHABBOS. It was still Shabbos.”
I did not understand what he meant until a few years later when I started to understand Shabbos more. It was still “Shabbos” he said. There is a feeling on Shabbos that if one learns to tune into can be a sublime delight under any circumstance.
Could be that your childhood had bad Shabbos memories. If that is the case, I sincerely feel bad for you. I spent most Friday nights growing up watching DALLAS with bickering parents and eating potato chips. I would take the 7 course meal with beautiful zemiros and bickering kids any day over that. Even though everyones table can look unpleasant at times but for me, overall, Shabbos is full of singing, laughing, delicious food, candy, ice cream.
I am endlessly grateful for gift of SHABBOS. And I do not work in Kiruv. SHABBOS ROCKS!!
You are invited any time.
What more can a person want? It is the day of the good mind. It takes work and does not come naturally. But is a true pleasure.
Question: Are your female acquaintances in the habit of telling you out of the blue that you are beautiful? Mine sure aren’t.
They’ll say “you look great” when you wear something new. That is very different.
And yes, anyone who can’t drive and lives in a suburb is a prisoner in her own home and there is no excuse for a community requiring that.
But at the same time, I don’t know that your life is all that richer than hers because you sip coffee at starbucks or go to the gym. Perhaps if you had described some highly stimulating/ lucrative/ or influentail pursuit… But I fear what’s coming out here is your own preconceived notions.
I appreciate all the feedback! Thank Yous
A joke someone told me: Sura (Imeinu) lived in a tent, she didn’t actually wear one.
There are many ways to view and interpret things in the Torah; people tend to find what they are looking for.
Also, today more than ever, the term “chassidish” has by far many definitions. Unfortunately we label and categorize people into very specific slots, and may not realize that even “members” who seem to fit into one category are quite diverse. That is why one individuals experience will differ very much from another individual living down the block, even if they attend the same shul, school etc. The Chassidishe women one person knows are not going to be the same women I may know.
This is a personal encounter described the way it really is in my reality.
I don’t think it is correct to say that they do or don’t do certain things, like dressing a certain way, or not watching movies, driving etc. because it is their choice… I think some people are so stuck, brainwashed, or convinced that there are no more options for them. That I think is sad.
My friend, (who is not just an acquaintance btw,) may silently feel sorry for me too. We hopefully all do, and if not, should try to feel good about who we are, and what we do; whether it’s the big things in our lives and/or especially the little enjoyable moments we experience. Ultimately, who is better off? the person who finds happiness and peace within themselves!
very moving article. Beauty gives a woman confidence and makes her feel good about herself. It’s a shame that some sub-cultures can’t understand this.
Thanks.
THIS is beautiful.