News Roundup – Thurs. 5/26/11
Unpious.com Staff Writer2011Rabbi Akiva was burned at the stake by the Romans because of his beliefs. And Aron Rottenberg had the same done to him by the Skver Hasidim of New Square. On Lag B’Omor, Shaul Spitzer, an attendant to the Skver Rebbe, attempted to set fire to Aaron Rottenberg’s home, inflicting third degree burns on 50% of the owner’s body.”This is not just a village; it’s a family,” New Square resident Ezrel Zarkowsky said, supporting the arsonist. “Mr. Rottenberg came, and his whole goal was to split this family.” And we all know that the appropriate response to difficult family members is incineration. There’s even a mitzvah about it: “Ve’ahavta le’reacha kamocha, unless you don’t like them, then set fire to them.”
In the latest issue of the Forward, Noam Neusner, a former speechwriter for President George W Bush, speculates about the relationship between Torah study and poverty, reflecting on statistics that show the poorest municipality in the country by income is Kiryas Yoel. All pseudo-spiritual-mathematical calculations aside, anybody want to enlighten Mr. Neusner about the teeny tiny possible flaw in this whole formula (hint tax evasion, hint hint)?
A heimesha Chasidic yungerman was offering a ladies’ special in honor of Lag B’Omor. Let the bonfires roaring outside your bedroom window remind you of the flames of gehonim, as you earn your ticket frolicking with this Lothario “Who knows how to show you a good time!!”
We’ve got some crazy news for you, but if you’ve got a vagina between your legs, don’t grab your phone and dial a friend to gossip about it! Williamsburg has forbidden its women to talk on the phone in public areas. We’re sensing a trend here. With recent leadership vacancies in the Taliban, it might be time to start talking merger….
7 Responses
What’s next, segregated street walking? Don’t kid yourself. My sister already feels funny being outside when the men are out. Such as when they all go to shul on Friday night. It’s only a matter of time…
Love your line on the Taliban merger. I’ve been using this comparison for years now. Your other line, not so much.
“but if you’ve got a vagina between your legs, don’t grab your phone and dial a friend to gossip about it!”
HR, I know you’re trying to be all hip and cool, reminiscent of your “Fucking New Yorker” post but that vagina insert makes you sound pedestrian and crass. Look, I really like this on line journal. I enjoy reading your essays. I read where you tell that you only have a community college higher education. Yet your writing is generally sharp and witty. Not bad for a former Skver chassid.
I know you’re trying to sound like Dan Savage but the comment offends my feminist sensibilities. Please remove it.
J. — While I am the site’s editor, and I take responsibility for all the material we publish, it’s best not to assume that I write everything. For the record, I don’t write the News Roundups. But thanks for the comment.
Good enough :).
Rabbi Akiva wasn’t burned at the stake, idiots. He had his flesh combed with iron combs.
As much of a rebel as you are, don’t mix up Yushke with a Tana.
Do yourself a favor; see a doctor for those shmertzen. Perhaps some painkillers will let you appreciate a new embellishment – or a composite composition – of ancient myths. We call the person doing such, “Creative”; not at all an “idiot”. In civilized society even when one unwittingly misquotes some text they do not merit this pejorative.
Now, in the main Talmudic narrative [Blessings 9] of Akiva’s martyrdom there’s no statement that the iron combs were the cause of death; actually, in that very text there’s basis to say that the iron combs were merely applied to intensify his pain at the execution to which he was being transported whilst they applied said devices to his flesh.
Also, as we know, Akiva was likely a prisoner of war; he was seen by the Romans as a high ranking leader of Bar Kokhba. According to the Talmud he was for some time no less than the aide de camp to this great general. This leads one to the probability that the Romans were torturuting Akiva in the hopes of gaining some military intelligence prior to his execution.
One quote relating to both, your uncivil jab, and the modus-mortis of Akiva, see B. Talmud Paschal Offerings 69b: “Akiva, thou hast refuted my assertion with (an instance of) slaughtering; by slaughter shalt thou suffer death!” So Rabbi Shmertz you’ve room yet to improve your arrogance and lack of civility by Talmudic standards and tradition.
BTW, as if we hadn’t yet enough contradictions and divergent versions in religious scriptures relating the death of Yushke, I think you’re the first to posit that he was burnt at the stake.
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