“Honey, I’m Gay.”
FreiFem2011Actress Fran Drescher has a new sitcom ‘Happily Divorced’, based on her own life, in which the main character’s husband wakes up one day, and tell her he’s gay. In the show (and in Fran’s real life), instead of this becoming a McGreevey-sized drama, it’s all groovy, and everyone stays happy, loving friends.
The show made me think about how couples can change mid-marriage, in general, and how that can become a tragedy – or not.
My husband was less than thrilled when, two years ago, I told him I wanted to go to Friday night services. He thought he had married an atheist as militant as himself, and “Lecha Dodi” was not what he had signed up for. It took a while for us to navigate my shifting attitudes towards spirituality/Judaism, and I’m incredibly grateful to him, that as tough as that was, we were able to come to a comfortable place with who I had become. This was a significant, if small shift (although we’ve had to wrestle through some larger, more difficult ones as well). I expect we’ll have more of them in the future (I think that comes with the territory for a non-traditional marriage), and I hope we’ll always emerge together, stronger, loving, however our marriage has to change or evolve.
Then I think of this situation in the extreme: my friends who were/are married in the Chasidic/Charedi world, and wake up one day saying (or thinking) “Honey, I’m not a believer anymore”. These stories are, unfortunately, almost all tragedies. I wonder if there is any way to navigate that transition without it being a tragedy, with some connection or love remaining*, or if the cost exacted by the community will ever wane (as it has in secular society re the “Honey, I’m gay” admission).
*or am I being naive in my assumption that there is any love to begin with?
7 Responses
Well, I can tell you from my own experience – we are a pretty normal Yeshivish/Litvish couple, we met in the standard hotel-lobby-shidduch method, and thankfully we have been able to communicate and discuss my slowly changing beliefs as loving, concerned partners in marriage. As serious committed adults, we have both come to the realization that our connection to each other obviously supersedes our connection to Frumkeit. I think I have even been able to rationally convince her – at least somewhat. I guess we will slowly come to some balance where the family continues despite my dropping of Judaism. And yes, we are in love and have been for long time, and it DID come slowly AFTER our marriage just as we were taught.
I’m really glad you wrote this CN – and glad you have that experience.
When you think about your situation, and other people in similar situations, do you think the positivity or negativity of the outcome has more to do with the luck of the draw (who you end up married to) or the way the changed spouse goes about communicating/dealing with their change or some combination of the two?
Good question. I would like to think that in our case the ability to communicate and understand each other fully – which we were able to ascertain and establish on our hotel-lobby dates – were crucial in creating the relationship’s basis for years to come. Do most other Charedi couples also try to fully establish their ability to communicate before the Vort? – I tend to think not – it’s usually more a question of “who’s bringing what to the table, and what can “I” (or more likely, the parents) get out of this?”. In which case – it probably is more luck of the draw. I should tend to hope that at least the long-married couples have established that ability to communicate over the years – which IS what I (think I) see by most people I know. Though – like my wife and I have always noticed when seeing long-married couples break up – you NEVER know what’s going on in the private lives behind closed doors of people who you THOUGHT were doing so well. The desire to put on that perfect facade is so very pervasive. Is it not that way in the non-Jewish/non-Frum world too?
An important topic Freifem for those trying to navigate marriage while realizing ‘I know longer believe how do I handle it?’
From the little information I was able to gather I’d say a couple married on a strict Frum basis, one of them waking op one morning saying honey I don’t believe anymore will inevitably lead to disaster. I heard of some cases where it did work out but I think it was more of exception than norm. I think by giving a partner love and show you care you may slowly, very slowly, introduce him/her to your radical shift of ideas ultimately your partner will accept you the way you are and you may live happily together but it needs to be done carefully with consideration and thought.
CN: I like how you put that. and oh yes – that pervasive veil of ‘all always ok-ness’… pet peeve of mine…
Learnnig a ton from these neat articles.
Chay Nobody, that’s so wonderful that you and your wife were able to accept the differences between you and stay together.