Who’s Doing The Dishes?

It’s a thought provoking article, no doubt. But I think it ignores something crucial: perception counts for something. If a woman feels she is overstressed at home, then there isn’t any kind of accounting that can say, “Your math is off. Adjust your emotions accordingly.” It simply doesn’t work that way. More realistic is to find what really is the underlying cause of the stress.

And I’d suggest, the first place to look is at the type of work being done by each. While both partners might be putting in the same number of hours, the work is probably not equal qualitatively. In the same way that an office worker and a Chinese food delivery guy might work equal hours but few can argue that the potential for personal satisfaction after a day’s work would be equal.

Work at the office can be fulfilling both in the short term and long term in a way that housework is not. At the office there might be camaraderie; peer recognition; a sense of accomplishment — if the work is creative; satisfaction — if the work is challenging or otherwise intellectually stimulating; and a general feeling of contributing to one’s long term goals. Housework, by contrast, can feel like mindless drudgery.

“Everyday chore “negotiations” become so much more loaded as I worry that picking up my husband’s dirty socks will turn me into my mother, or being the one to step to the sink to wash up after our late-night snack reinforces the notion that I’m the automatic “picker-upper”.”

Excellent point, FreiFem. I tell my husband, I’ll only make breakfast and lunch for you this one day if you never ever tell anyone I did it! I admit I sometimes carried that to an extreme. Years ago, somewhere between marriage and baby, my husband contracted chicken pox. He was running a fever and I still kept my commitment for a night out with a girlriend. I didn’t want to look wifey, the woman who drops everything for hubby, the one who hangs up the phone the minute he walks through that door. Looking back, I realize how silly that was. But like you, FreiFem, I’ve worked hard to resist stereotypes and cringe whenever I visit family and watch those very narrow, restrictive and defined roles.

My husband and I don’t have those clearly delineated roles. We both cook, we both clean, we both do the laundry, we both make sandwiches for each other. For us, it has worked beautifully.

And FreiFem, I don’t have to tell you that your daughter will be watching you every step of the way. They learn by what we do, not what we say. What a fabulous opportunity you have here to raise your girl with the undisputed notion that SHE can be the doctor, she doesn’t just have to marry one (“My son the doctor, my daughter married the doctor” is, as you know, a classic American Jewish immigrant iconic theme. Just not in the Chassidishe world).

To digress on that point further, I was chatting with my older sister last night and lamenting my rather large looming college tuition bill. She gasped when she added up all five years. I reminded her there may be more down the road, graduate school. She grimaced. My, that’s a lot of money, she gulped! We save up money for weddings, not college.

I told her, but that’s what American Jewish parents do! We expect to finance our children’s college education, indeed, we’d be distressed if they DIDN’T go!

Silence. Alien concept. Not in our world, she offered. Yes, I know… The one major Jewish immigrant group that does not embody this theme.

FreiFem I find it it amazing how you put so much depth of a real struggle into so short of a piece. I really feel your struggle, I relate but in different ways .

Velvel, would love to hear your take. How do you navigate this terrain?

J. first of all I am happy you value my opinion so much that you asked for it , so thank you very much.
Well I guess i would start by saying that being a man I can’t completely understand/judge this struggle, but having said that I really hear freifems issue.
I think the first thing to consider is, what does each spouse feel comfortable doing, and what makes them feel good. For example my father does the dishes, laundry, cleans, and mops , while my mom cooks ,and does a lot of art , oh and by the way they both have full time jobs and my dad actually has two full time jobs. Does my mom enjoy cooking every Friday , no, but she feels its her contribution to the family and she feels comfortable doing it. I think they split chores based on what they felt comfortable doing , and what they were good at , and it worked out great.
Oh and one more thing I am disgusted by a husband/any adult who leaves his clothes lying around whilst living with other people, it is childish, and not menchtlich.
J. now that I am rereading your comment I think we agree , and I hear your sentiment of having to fight the gender stereotype roles (which are pretty prevalent in chareidi marriages but not limited to them), but if a women feels comfortable cooking she should do that , but a man definitely should clear his own freaking plate, as my mom told me a million times in my childhood “what are you? a poritz! do you think your servant (me) should clean up after you”?

Thanks for the compliment, Velvel. I do indeed value your opinion. Enjoyed reading your insights :).