It’s All Kosher (No. 7): Victim or Survivor?

Dear Posek,

The Leiby Kletzky story compelled me to write. I was a little Chasidish boy in cheider like Leiby when my Rebbe introduced me to his “private” lessons during recess, and he molested me a few times. I somehow told my mother and she spoke to the principal. I was changed class. I pushed the memory out of my mind since then and never talked about it again. I don’t even know if the Rebbe is still in his position. I want to do the right thing and come forward but I really don’t want to be seen as “an abuse victim.” What can I do now?

Thank you for giving my anonymous question your space.

Bleeding

Dearest Bleeding,

Your priority should be to heal yourself from the damage caused by the abuse. The first step is to break the silence. Sexual abuse feeds on secrecy. It is what allows the abuse to happen, for the trauma to continue to inflict pain after it happened, and the perpetrator to continue the abuse. You did the right thing by telling your mother when it happened but you shouldn’t suppress the memory now just because the abuse has stopped. The best thing to do is talk about it – confidentially, if you so wish. You are not alone. There are people who can listen to you, support you and help you take action towards recovery and justice. You already told the Posek; sending this message was a paramount first step.

“The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it,” says Dr. Maria Sauzier. The Orthodox community perpetuates this truth on all forms of sexual abuse by denying its existence and refusing to prosecute it. It is hard to know what goes on in yeshivas, shuls and homes because crimes are quickly covered up. Those who speak out are ostracized and stigmatized. Community leaders often protect their rebbes instead of believing their children. Victims’ relatives may also not accept it even when the symptoms are clear. On top of that, the community refuses to work with the judicial and criminal secular authorities, dealing with it on their own instead, with an inclination to deny it. Victims have far too often been quieted or discredited.

Bleeding, you don’t have to remain silent.

Who you should talk to and how you should tell is entirely up to you. Talking to someone about your abuse does not mean you have to go public. There are many different people to talk to and many ways you can do it. Only you can decide how you feel comfortable proceeding.

You can confide in a licensed therapist who should assure your confidentiality. Find a therapist who has experience working with sexual abuse and respect for your beliefs. For some Orthodox and Chasidic Jews, going outside the community to find a therapist is reassuring in terms of stigma and confidentiality.

Books are your friend. A good place to start is to read up on the subject, to learn about your choices and to educate yourself on the topic. You may want to check out “Victims No Longer,” by Mike Lew; “Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse,” by Dr. Richard Gartner;  and “Abused Boys,” by Mic Hunter. For female survivors of sexual abuse read “The Courage to Heal,” by Ellen Bass.

There are organizations that are also here to help. Several important ones are: Jewish Survivors Network, Jewish Board of Advocacy for Children, and Male Survivor. Survivors for Justice is another organization that supports victims and helps them take aggressive action against the abuser.

You can also report the abuse to authorities without going public. The authorities will not disclose your information. Even if you bring charges against the perpetrator and your case goes to trial, your identity should not be disclosed by the media (but the abuser will be present and will know your identity). In the state of New York, if you decide to go to civil authorities you should know that you can only bring civil and criminal charges until the statute of limitations expires, which is usually at age 21 or 23 of the victim. Other states have different laws.

If you want to go public with your experience, you should be prepared for a long and emotionally charged process. Build a strong support network to help you through the process.

Always remember that this is your recovery and you are in charge of how you go about it.

Talking about the abuse you endured does not make you a victim, it makes you a survivor. There is no shame in what happened to you because you had no control over what was done to you by an adult who had complete power over you. If you are no longer as religious as your family and you don’t want anyone to know about the abuse because you’re afraid they will ascribe your decision to change lifestyle to the “trauma,” pay no attention to this rhetoric. The religious naysayers are distracting the focus from the horrid crimes that happen in their communities by focusing on your supposed “crimes” of living the lifestyle you want to live. Many frum people are desperate to point to abuse as your reason for leaving so they can believe you rejected the abuse, not the religion. Of course, such oversimplification is illogical and is, again, denial of the reality by the frum community.

Keep your head high and stay strong. There is hope for you and you can bring hope for others.

Good luck.

Posek

The Unpious Posek welcomes your queries on all matters of impiety. Send your questions to posek@unpious.com.