News Round Up – Thurs. 8/25/11

credit: nashpreds99

Three Gerer yeshiva buchorim in Ashdod were saved by their prayers, which caused a rocket that landed in their shule not to explode. The two people seriously injured by the rocket that landed at the yeshiva down the block? Sorry dudes, your prayers just didn’t cut it.

A thorough and multi-faceted socio-political exploration into the causes of the recent escalation of violence in southern Israel has been conducted by the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevich Yeshiva and his colleagues. Their study, which includes both qualitative and quantitive analysis, provides an unambiguous conclusion: God iz hungry, people! Feedz him many many many hours of study, or he will get very irritable and throw angry explosions from the sky and killz you all!!!

Matisyahu wants you to know he’s not a prophet. Kay?

The New Square Kehila sent out a letter assuring the community that Shaul Spitzer only intended to cause a little mischief, not to hurt “the man” or “the Yid.” Burn victim Aron Rottenberg is not referred to by name, and according to the letter, New Square has been harmed as much as Rottenberg: “It is not right to belittle a community of thousands of sincere pious Jews,” they wrote. Don’t worry, New Square Kehila, no one needs to belittle your community – you’re doing that quite well all on your own.

Rabbi Yoshiyahu Yosef Pinto, a renown kabbalist, has been accused of money laundering by his father-in-law. And you thought you had problems with your shver!

Thirteen years ago, sociologist Chaim Waxman noted that frum Jews were becoming more fundamentalist. Recently he stated that he believes frum Jews may be becoming more liberal, with the advent of egalitarian Orthodox minyanim and female religious leaders. I think it’s time for gedolai hador to issue a new takanah: fifteen kids a piece, minimum! How else can we win??

In a philosophically complex and deeply profound poetic treatise, the Yated provides an explanation for every incident of Jewish suffering that has ever occurred. The explanation is (drum roooooooll): God’s going to tell you the explanation. One day. Promise.

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News Roundups appear every Thursday (or when our News Roundup writer gets around to it, whichever comes first). Send news tips to unpious.editor@gmail.com.

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