The Green-Eyed Monster
FreiFem2011The green eyed monster has a new warty paw: Linked In. One on my alumni acquaintances asked to connect with me. Chief of Staff of Super Important Washington Political Figure, is her current title.
Damn.
I look around at my life, at the humble bumblings of my creative career, at the remnants of my fancy job history that I walked away from, fading with each passing month….
Sheeeesh….
“You don’t even want her job,” I tell myself. “You’re pursuing your dreams, the things that matter to you, that when you lie on your deathbed, you can feel good about achieving. You had enough of the bureaucracy and the empty hustle of that world! Remember?”
I woke up at 9am today, giving my aching body every minute of extra sleep that it wanted. I’m sitting at my laptop, on the couch, in my pajamas, working on projects I love. I have everything I want, and yet its still so easy to feel insecure about it all.
We had lunch at a friend’s house this weekend, and talking about feminism and religion, I shared how hard it is for me to have confidence in my career. As a girl, I knew god wanted me to be a mommy and a wife and an English teacher at the local Bais Yaaacov. Any choices I make today will never have that certainty of god behind them.
Maybe I shouldn’t have quit my business suits and business cards and bold Linked In label that announced to the world I had succeeded.
Or maybe I need to get my butt in gear, log off of Linked In, pull a yogurt out of the fridge, plop back down on the couch and get moving on my creative projects….
4 Responses
Ahhh, I feel the same way every single day…I think it’s an essential component of the human condition – enjoy it!
“I used to be scared of uncertainty; now I get a high out of it.”
– Jensen Ackles
Even when I was in Yeshiva I never thought ‘this is what God wants from me’. I don’t know about others but in the family I group up in things were never so clear.
Or sometimes it’s recalibrating your idea of “everything”. Thought of this when I read your post. http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/07/31/why-do-i-have-everything/
This whole thing in certain sections of the community (mostly people who call themselves spiritual or something) on “what does God want of me” smacks of hubris to me–yes everyone has work to do here, but the Torah only says “do mitzvot and be nice to people” not “be a bais yaakov teacher” or whatever.
Like almost by definition if one is frum and believe in Tanach, one can’t know what God thinks.
“(כי לא מחשבותי מחשבותיכם ולא דרכיכם דרכי (ישעיהו נה:ח” so if this is what one “thinks God wants you to do this” by definition one is wrong according to the navi (Freifem not referring to you, but ranting).
Yael – you hit exactly on an idea that’s been bothering me for a long while. The “Oilam” in the Yeshiva always talks about doing “Ratzon Hashem”, “is this Ratzon Hashem?”, “is this against Ratzon Hashem” – when the very idea of even using the the word “desire” or “want” in regards to God is utterly non-sensical, according to their OWN beliefs!! People can be so infuriatingly silly…
FreiFem – the real problem with losing religion and a sense of definitive purpose is that in the end – it wont matter whether you followed your dreams or not. We will all die and that will be it. I know that sounds terribly fatalistic, but the truth really is painful, and nothing we do or say will make that inevitability go away. The best we can do is enjoy the time while we’re here. And if working on projects is enjoyable – then keep at it and more power to you!