It’s All Kosher (No. 8): Saying Goodbye

Dear Posek,

I consider myself a well-adjusted OTD. I have a good job, a college degree, and an amazing girlfriend whom I adore and hope to marry one day. I don’t think about my frum past often, but I found out that my mother is ill with a terminal illness. She refused to talk to me for the first few years after I left yeshiva. We later tried to reconnect but our relationship never recovered. I hardly ever visit her. Now she’s dying. I’m tormented by guilt and painful memories. Do I let myself get sucked back into the trauma and get involved during her final weeks/months or do I block it out of my mind?

Distraught Son

Dear Distraught Son,

Final goodbyes are always very painful, but for you, Distraught Son, these feelings are complicated by the fact that you lost your mother a long time ago. You will once again confront the pain of having been a virtual orphan all your independent life. Maybe you’ll feel guilt that somehow your mother’s failing health is the result of the way you live your life. Your mother’s departure can bring up anger, sadness and longing. The grief will present itself regardless of what you decide to do during her final days. You can’t distract yourself to make the pain go away. Blocking your estranged mother’s impending death out of your mind cannot be entirely effective, nor helpful to your emotional health and will not allow you to experience any real closure to this relationship. Instead, arm yourself with support by talking to a professional, to your partner and other close friends in your life when confronting this deeply painful relationship.

I urge you to find the strength to see your mother, but if that will put you at risk emotionally, do it over the phone. If you can muster the strength, pay her a visit and sit by her bedside for your final goodbyes. Prepare ahead by thinking about the last message you have for your mother. Consider carefully what you feel you need to say before she dies. This is not an opportunity to unleash your pain and rage. Say what you need to say without getting involved in confrontations, arguments, or dramatic reunions. This is about paying respect and finding closure. It’s certainly not an opportunity to give your relationship with your Hasidic parent another look. Unfortunately, it is too late for that, and not because of any wrongdoing on your part.

Throughout this process remember that you did not cause your mother’s pain. There is nothing you can do to make her frail body be any healthier. The pain she experienced because of her own choices is not your fault. Don’t allow the mantras you were taught in your youth about children’s responsibility to parents drive you to self-reproach and guilt. The health of a parent is often the most powerful pull the communities have on its children. Very frequently, parents claim they can’t “bear it any longer,” or they “will have a heart attack” if the child leaves yiddishkeit. Your situation can evoke in you these strong feelings.

You made your choice to do what was right for you. No one would have benefited if you would have continued to sacrifice for her. She would in all likelihood still be dying.

I extend my deepest sympathies. May you find comfort and healing throughout this difficult time.

Good luck,
Posek

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