It’s All Kosher (No. 9): Still Tznius Stylista
The Unpious Posek2011The Unpious PosekOff the Derech
Hi Unpious Posek,
I am 19 years old and finally free of Borough Park!!! I used to be so jealous of girls wearing jeans and tank tops. I always hated long skirts and ugly tznius clothing. But now that I live on my own and I can finally wear whatever I want, I’m too embarrassed to wear normal clothing. I feel like everyone’s looking at me when I wear shorts. I spent $110 on a cute summer dress that I love, but I couldn’t get myself to wear it the whole summer. I was afraid that I look stupid or wrong. How do I stop being so self-conscious and start enjoying my freedom??
Still-Tznius-Stylista
Dear Still-Tznius-Stylista:
I say to your little dresses and flimsy tops: it’s time to come out of the closet. And hurry, before the summer-dress season closes the doors.
To you I say: wear the skimpy clothing anyhow. I can imagine that you struggle with feeling embarrassed in that low cut top or that flirtatious dress. If you were trained all your life to hide your body then it’s natural to have an urge to stick to the habit of covering up. The old “burka” may be warm and reassuring, almost a blanket that hides all your insecurities, but insecurities don’t deserve dressing up, you do. Just tear the tag off the sexy $110 dress and go strut it.
I know it’s hard. For beauty you have to suffer, the fashionistas decree. The majority of feminine women suffer various intolerable rituals of discomfort for the purpose of looking fabulous, as the long suffering Posek herself can attest. As a woman, you are probably already sacrificing for beauty. The stuff is barbaric, but it is what we do. Many women go through pangs and pains of dieting and exercise for the sake of the fabulous body. Poor women, we shop till we drop, and we go off to these malls with pride. We whimper through the process of having hair plucked, ironed, bleached or worst of all, bewigged. A normal dose of sacrifice for the sake of your desire to feel attractive is okay and healthy. Think of wearing something skimpy that you love but feel awkward in as a sacrifice you make for beauty. True, you feel somewhat uncomfortable. But spiked high heels or pencil skirts that pinch your waist are uncomfortable just the same. So just go for it, girl!
Only practice, practice, practice will make you feel comfortable in your own skin. The good news is that this struggle won’t last forever. Time will wear off your old insecurities. (Time will also bring a lot bigger woes for the sacrificing fashionista. But I’ll refrain from advising you about that just yet.)
Enjoy the freedom to dress, flaunt, be beautiful. Stuff a sweater in your bag, just in case the bravado wears off and the night gets chilly.
Good luck!
Posek
The Unpious Posek welcomes your queries on all matters of impiety. Send your questions to posek@unpious.com.
15 Responses
“But spiked high heals or pencil skirts that pinch your waist are uncomfortable just the same. So just go for it girl!”
Sorry, but your ‘advice’ doesn’t sit well with me. The rules of tznius are surely repressive, but so is the notion that women must make themselves suffer uncomfortably in order to be sexy.
This comment is well liked. Like it too?
I agree with Tova. And, you can wear something in between skimpy and tznius. You could wear a cute, sleeveless (or short-sleeved) top and jeans. Or try wearing the cute summer dress over skinny jeans, or under a cute cardigan. Or, if you don’t want to be sexy but just want to wear normal, non-tznius clothes, that’s okay, too.
You can dress however you like. You left a culture that told you what to wear and how to act. Now that you’ve had the courage and strength to leave it, it would be sad to fall into another culture that also tells you what to wear and how to act.
This comment is well liked. Like it too?
Guys have the same problem with their white shirts. After they get out of yeshiva, they feel out of place wearing a blue shirt for example.
this is not related to Tnizut as all. So what do you do with that?
Why do I get the feeling the answer was indeed written by a guy? Somehow it doesnt seem like something a woman would write.
Pencil skirt and spiked high heels? Bwahaha! All well and good for someone who is READY to strut their stuff. But for someone who isn’t ready, doing it in stages seems practical. I suggest doing the jeans first; they aren’t as revealing as a sumer dress, and if they are decently made, they will be comfortable, so no suffering is involved. Forget about the tank top for now, and buy a sweater you like. If you want to wear the jeans but aren’t ready to show the shape of your bumm, you can get a sweater that goes down to your hips.
This comment is well liked. Like it too?
“For beauty you have to suffer, the fashionistas decree.” OUCH!!! What is this, the 1950′s? A friend once found a manual she shared with me and we laughed and laughed. Baby, we’ve come a long way. It was a guide to housewives and how to freshen up for their husbands when they arrived home. Where has this advice columnist been? We wouldn’t have stood for such lousy advice in the late 70′s when feminism emerged and changed the landscape for women forever?
You have to suffer to be beautiful? Oh, puh-leeze! In the year 2011, it is possible for women to dress stylishly and comfortably, neither trapped in the narrow rigid confines of ultra-orthodoxy or vapid girly anti-feminist garb. Don a cool looking pair of jeans, a shirt that is neither bulging or shapeless with an attractive cami underneath and you’re good to go!
One of the chief benefits to my western style of dress in my hometown (I’m still stuck conforming when I visit the family, although I still do it in my own way. No way would you mistake me for a native Boro Parker)is how incredible comfortable and hot I look, all at the same time.
I should add, as I quote my feminist conservative Jewish rabbi friend, “I have my own version of tzniut.” The Chassidim think we all dress like hussies when we are not in their midst. Some of us try to find a lifestyle that is classy, appropriate and our own modern version of tzniut. You know, how working women were advised to dress when they first broke into the ranks. Appropriate, professional, business like. Which is lightyears from what the ultra-orthos think. It’s not either or.
This comment is well liked. Like it too?
Yikes, where was my head? I am re-posting merely to correct all the typos I foolishly didn’t bother checking the first time around. And I added a bit:
“For beauty you have to suffer, the fashionistas decree.” OUCH!!! What is this, the 1950’s? A friend once found a manual she shared with me and we laughed and laughed. Baby, we’ve come a long way. It was a guide to housewives and how to freshen up for their husbands when they arrived home. Different spin on the same theme. You must look and act a certain way in order to please others. Where has this advice columnist been? We wouldn’t have stood for such lousy advice in the late 70’s when feminism emerged and changed the landscape for women forever.
You have to suffer to be beautiful? Oh, puh-leeze! In the year 2011, it is possible for women to dress stylishly and comfortably, neither trapped in the narrow rigid confines of ultra-orthodoxy or vapid girly anti-feminist garb. Don a cool looking pair of jeans, a shirt that is neither bulging nor shapeless with an attractive cami underneath and you’re good to go! Go slow but eventually you’ll find the right balance, neither all covered up or overexposed.
One of the chief benefits to my western style of dress in my hometown (I’m still stuck conforming when I visit the family, although I boldly do it in my own way. No way would you mistake me for a native Boro Parker)is how incredibly comfortable and attractive I look, all at the same time.
I should add, as I quote my feminist conservative Jewish rabbi friend, “I have my own version of tzniut.” The Chassidim think we all dress like hussies when we are not in their midst. Some of us seek to discover a lifestyle that is classy, appropriate and our own modern version of tzniut. You know, how working women were advised to dress when they first broke into the ranks. Appropriate, professional, business like. Which is lightyears from what the ultra-orthos think. It’s not either or.
Whilst I like the sentiment that leaving the conformity and rigidness of the chassidic dress code doesn’t necessarily mean that a person should run to the other extreme and take the most extreme so called “secular dress”. I still think there is value to at least trying on tank top and short shorts, and giving it enough time to get over that initial discomfort . I agree if after a while Still-Tznius-Stylista doesn’t feel comfortable in the short shorts tank top attire and she wants to go with something a little more conservative fine, but she should definitely give herself a chance to get over the initial discomfort of sexy clothing. Especially because that discomfort may be due to socialization.
Velvel: The author mentioned pain that was physical, not emotional. The discomfort a woman feels while wearing five-inch heels and an itchy underwire bra doesn’t stem from “socialization”.
Tova I don’t see anywhere where the author mentions physical pain , I think that is an assumption which the posek and many of the commentors assumed. I think this phrase especially proves my point. “I’m too embarrassed to wear normal clothing I feel like everyone’s looking at me when I wear shorts”. Oh and this one “I was afraid that I look stupid or wrong, How do I stop being so self-conscious” , also proves my point. I am not sure if the reason is socialization but it does not seem to be physical pain. Also remember that I prefaced the socialization suggestion with a maybe.
On a personal note , I hate the way I wrote this . It reminds me of everything I didn’t like about yeshiva arguing, just trying to win , and losing the point.
I must have read a different article.
I think the person who wrote in was talking about social discomfort, while the Posek’s response focused a little more on physical pain.
So you’re both right.
This is why its very important to only rely on “reliable” poskim
.
Wasn’t the point of otd that you DONT need to follow rules?
Not all tznius clothing is ugly!! Actually a lot of stars are wearing it now and this blog is great!!! http://twitter.com/tzniusfinder