Family Secrets
Yoel Parnes2011
credit: tsmall
I was thirteen years old. My stepbrother was visiting for the weekend and he was sleeping in my room. My stepbrother’s relationship with his father and my mother had been shaky. My mother told me he had been violent. He had thrown furniture at her the night that he was sent away. Now they were all trying to reestablish a stable relationship.
I couldn’t help but wonder where my stepbrother lived and how he survived. He was only eighteen years old. I couldn’t understand how anybody could survive without their parents.
The Shabbos meal went well. Everyone behaved themselves. By eleven I was in bed, reading. Soon, I was fast asleep.
I woke up to a cold hand sliding under my blanket. A cold hand in my pajama pants. A cold hand wrapped around my penis moving in rhythmic motions. Up… down… up… down… I turned over, hoping that my movement would scare it off. The hand disappeared for a moment, but then it crept back in under my blanket. I turned again and using loose motions disguised as sleepy flailing, grabbed the bookshelf near my bed, discreetly pulled my bed — a hi-riser on wheels — towards the bookshelf, away from the hand.
I didn’t want him to realize that I was awake. That I was trying to get away from him. I was afraid of him.
With a creak, my bed moved back towards him. His hand was back in.
I turned over again, away from him and with an exaggerated yawn I “woke up.” Pressing a hand to my stomach as if I was struck with a sudden stomachache, I ran to the bathroom. I sat on the closed toilet, breathing heavily. Long moments passed and I knew I couldn’t spend the night in the bathroom. I found my sister in the kitchen.
“He’s touching me,” I whispered. “I can’t sleep in my room.”
“Sleep on the couch,” she said. She brought me a pillow and blanket from her own room.
“Good night,” we whispered, and she left me alone in the living room.
A moment later, the door between my bedroom and the living room opened. I froze, holding my breath as my stepbrother approached.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright,” I told him.
He walked out of the house.
The next morning my stepfather asked me where his son was.
“I don’t know,” I told him. That was all I told him. I wouldn’t see my stepbrother again for six years.
Two years after that incident I was with my father in his car, talking about friends who were abused.
“Yoel, has anybody ever done that to you?” my father asked
I was quiet for a moment, but I trusted my father. I told him what happened that Shabbos.
He drove in silence for a few minutes after I finished the story. Then he said, “Yoel, you must tell your mother what happened.”
I shook my head. “If he finds out I told someone– ” I shuddered at the thought. I knew my stepbrother could be violent. He was a strong, physically imposing man, and he frightened me.
My father pulled the car over to the side of the road, and then, resting his hands on the steering wheel, he turned to me. “Yoel, you must tell your mother. And if he or anybody else ever lays another finger on you, I’ll kill them. I promise.”
Later that evening, I told my mother the story.
“But–” she stammered, “it’s already two years later. Why are you only telling me this now?”
I told her that I’d spoken to my father about it, and that he’d convinced me to tell her.
“Yoel,” she said, “swear to me that you will never tell anyone else. If your stepfather ever finds out, it’ll break his heart.”
I promised to keep the secret.
It is now ten years later, and throughout all these years I never broke my promise. There were times when I was tempted, when I felt disturbed by the promise, wondering where my stepbrother might be and what he might be up to.
But my mother — wise, loving, compassionate — had made it clear: My stepfather’s heart must not be broken.
61 Responses
@#$%^&*(Z#$!
I am overcome with the anger and frustration of helplessness…and a deep sadness. What a horrible, horrible, story. I’d like to punch a wall.
I remember, when I was 15 or 16 years old, standing in a sforim store on 16th avenue, reading a book that was on the display table (I used to do this often, and I could usually finish a book in a few store visits). I was quietly reading when I suddenly felt someone’s hand make hesitant contact below my waist. Surprised, I jumped-back and stepped away.
He looked like a regular chassidishe(probably Bobover) bochur, and he was also looking into a book (I hadn’t noticed or paid attention to him before that). I wondered if it could have been a mistake, and I returned to my reading.
Maybe a minute later, he stepped closer to me. I watched out of the corner of my eye until I saw his hand slowly move in my direction. I was still shocked – because until that point I hadn’t really believed that these things go on – but I whispered:
“If you touch me, I’m going to punch you in the face, right here and right now.”
He didn’t make eye-contact, but he quietly apologized and left. I was physically ill for the rest of the day though – and I get that queezy feeling in my stomach right now just thinking about it. And in my case nothing even happened; I can’t imagine how people who have actually been violated feel.
And this is supposed to be a wonderful world orchestrated by a loving and caring god? Yeah, sure, my proverbial arse.
thanks for sharing this creepy and painful experience.
the saddest thing is that your mother thought it more important to protect her husband’s heart than yours…
it is painful to note that this one time incident which is so invasive and violating leaves a ‘dent’ for life.
i hope with time and with much support you will be able to understand what happened, how it came about and move on to a future without trauma.
good luck.
JK
“it’s already two years later. Why are you only telling me this now?”
“Yoel swear to me that you will never tell anyone else. If your stepfather ever finds out, it’ll break his heart.”
Question, meet answer. Answer, meet question. He didn’t tell you because he knew on some level that you wouldn’t do shit. You’d rush to defend the abuser.
Is this true? Ewwwwwwww!
Just to play devil’s advocate- abuse exists in every community, and every sect of the world. Large steps have been taken in the last ten years to drastically change the cover-ups that have been going on in the past. I think children today are being educated about their priivate parts and what’s acceptable vs. what is considered inappropriate.
My heart breaks for the writer of this piece. Not because he was taken advantage of ( which is horrible ) but because he had to keep such an ugly secret bottled up inside , and had to deal with it himself. No support system. Uch!
I truly believe precautions and measures are being taken today, that were not in place years ago. Parents, educate your kids. Kids, talk to your parents. We can’t change the past, but we sure can correct the future.
I wish my wife would go on birth control
Spike her morning coffee.
lissa, yes abuse exists everywhere. Every nation, every religion, every sect.
But here and now Orthodox Jewish culture has taken the path of pure, undiluted evil. When victims speak up they are punished, not only the children brave enough to come forward but the families who support them. The monsters who like to fuck little kids are protected, usually shuffled off to another community to continue their crimes.
Everyone from Agudath Israel to the OU says “Go to a rabbi or a beis din, not the police.” What does this mean? It means “counseling” for the criminal, coercion for the victim and collective punishment for the family when siblings and cousins can’t get good marriages. It also means evidence has been tainted, witnesses interfered with and the waters so muddied that prosecution is no longer possible.
Saying “everyone else does it” is a facile lie. Some people do it everywhere. We stand out by doing everything we can to prevent justice and protect evil. If that’s Torah – and all rabbinical bodies say it is – then fuck the Torah. Burn that disgusting piece of sheepskin and let its memory be erased. Nothing justifies the blood and tears of little children and the satisfied smiles of their abusers. If God is for this he’s not worthy of any decent person’s worship
Some say “Back in the old days we beat up the molestors. None of them ever did it again!”
Maybe. Most likely not. What probably happened was they got smarter about choosing compliant quient victims. And they probably took out their anger and hurt on the next kid unlucky enough to fall into their clutches.
Todd- You obviously did not fully read what I wrote since I am in agreement with what you wrote. I do believe one should speak out, and CHANGE THE FUTURE But I also believe that change is already on its way. Of course not completely, but parents of today are doing a lot more to protect the mistakes from happening again. (ANd yes, abuse does exist in EVERY community. ANd in many communities, the cover-ups exist as well- which does not make it right, but one can’t point fingers specifically at our community)
Bottom line- it’s changing. You can’t change the past. ALl efforts should be focused on the future.
I read every word you wrote. You still don’t get it. As a people we have made the decision to prevent support networks. We have made the decision to do everything in our power to protect evil. This isn’t just playing devil’s advocate on your part. You are distorting the facts to the point where they become a lie. The only purpose of that lie is to make sure Jewish monsters aren’t stopped.
What good does it do to tell kids not to let people touch the no-no square if the beis din yells and threatens them for coming forward?
How does it stop a single baby-raper if the first and last response of the community is to make sure he escapes justice?
How do you make the roaches run if you never expose them to the light?
Justice Brandeis (a Jew, you will notice) said it best. “Sunlight,” he said “is the best disinfectant.”
Happens in the secular non-Jewish world, too.
I want to say that Yoel would have had a better chance of compassion from his mother if he had been born a secular shaygetz like me, but it’s not true.
When I was molested by the neighborhood pervert in the alley in back of our house, my mother didn’t want to call the police. She suspected (probably correctly) the police would ask why they had sent me out at night in that neighborhood, and she felt it was none of anyone’s business how she raised her children. My father had to make her call the police. That was the farthest into the ‘system’ it ever went, and she believes that we all choose everything that happens to us in life before we are born- which ends up being a more insidious form of victim-blaming.
In any case, my deepest sympathies to you…
Happens outside the neo-ghetto. But it’s worse inside that bubble than out. In the frum world there is systematic obstruction of justice.
I hear and read these stories of abuse that apparently go on in Frum circles and I wonder – am I the ONLY person who grew up his entire life in the Frum world (going on 43 years now) and has NEVER experienced nor heard direct evidence of abuse happening? Have I really been living such a cloistered life?
The closest thing I can think of is a rumor about an acquaintance who apparently was accused but all just vague rumor.
Chay first of all ,I was enjoying my correspondence with you and am saddened that it ended.
Second of all , I too have never experienced abuse in the frum world , nor heard direct evidence of it happening , I have heard many rumors but they are all vague.
The closest I have come is reading the book Hush , which by the way I would say is the best work on abuse in the frum world.
Agreed with chay one hundred percent. It is NOT a rampant problem today. When I’m on this site I start to get the feeling that there’s so much wrong with the religious world, but I remind myself that there really isn’t, and while the issues exist, they are , in fact , a minority. As well as the bitter OTD attitides towards everything religious. ( This does not speak to all the OTDers that are NOT bitter , and have transitioned to a life of their choosing)But often , this site presents a one sided view, and only rarely is there a truly nuetral piece.
Lissa I think you drew a conclusion form Chay’s comment when he meant it as a query.
Velvel writes: “Chay first of all ,I was enjoying my correspondence with you and am saddened that it ended.”
This must be an inside comment. If not, did I miss something? What is Chay ending? And why?
Not my business, right? But hey, you did post it publicly! Inquiring minds need to know :).
Lissa it’s not a rampant problem today? Are you kidding? In the past 5 years over a dozen Rabbis have been exposed for molesting children. A well known awful situation went down last year in which a newlywed man killed himself, later it was revealed he had been molested as a youngster. Anyway, the biggest issue is not exactly how prevalent molesters are. It is the community’s refusl to confront the issue and allow the proper authorities to deal with it.
How dare you say it is not a rampant problem today? Are you an expert in this issue to be able to decree this? I am neither an expert, but I personally know people that were molested and the community refused to deal with it.
Agreeing with Justin. Of course this happens in the non Jewish world as well! We need look no further than the explosive scandal at Penn State. The difference is that heads are rolling at Penn State now. Yes, there were cover ups. You can run but you can’t hide anymore. In the Chassidic world, it’s still more about the cover up than protecting our most vulnerable people, the little ones.
It is sinful that the sins of adults are covered up. The Chassidic world has a lot of housecleaning and catching up to do in this area. There’s just that little detail of the law. It’s illegal to molest children. How much longer do Chassidic leaders think they can run and hide from this problem? How much longer do they intend to not deal with it and merelhy look the other way? Eventually, the law will catch up with them. And if they don’t address this problem now, all the mesirah accusations in the world will not help them.
It’s time for Chassidic leaders to step up to the plate. Too much attention paid to seamed stockings and bugs in strawberries only deflects from the REAL problems. Easier to bury oneself in chumrahs than come face to face with a crisis.
** merely ** Stupid typo.
You don’t hafta tell me- I was molested repeatedly for years. But I’m saying that TODAY ,as in currently – young parents are educating their children an creating a safer environment so if such a thing wer to occur god forbid, it would be delt with openly. The stories that have come to light were about molesters five, ten and twenty years go. And yes, I do believe a lot more is being done now than five years ago.
J. if you must know , me and Chay started an email correspondence and it ended , and I am not really sure why, maybe because Chay got super involved in the OTD facebook group.
Also now that you mention it , I noticed that Chays comments ( which were insightful and I usually enjoyed ) has slowly skidded to a stop.
Lissa, boy are you wrong. I am a boro park boy, satmare talmid, married not too long ago, I got molested repeatedly in mikvahs and other places all of my young teen years, and so have some of my friends. You are simply clueless.
HN- Im sorry Im confused- you were molested in the mikvah and just random other places? Really , like u just walked around getting molested?
If that is teh case I am so sorry for you- really I am.
But you obviously have NOT been following what I said – because I coearly stated that in the last FEW years lots has been done to stop this. It is NOT perfect but certainly not the same as it was years ago. All anyone can hope for is improvement.
Velvel — Good to see people here making off-site connections. But I think J. was (quite tactfully) expressing confusion for why a private conversation is being conducted in public. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but maybe this is a good time to point out general blog commenting etiquette, and this LifeHacker post is a common reference for many:
Guide to Blog Comments
Particularly this section:
A weblog comment is a public one-to-many communication within the context of a blog post. An e-mail is a private interaction. A weblog comment that reads, “Oh yeah, that link is cool. By the way, how’s your sister?” doesn’t contribute to the public conversation and belongs in an e-mail message to the author instead.
Just a friendly pointer.
Lissa: I attended a presentation once by Social Worker Feather Berkower. TODAY’S statistics of child sexual abuse are staggering. I believe the numbers are 1 in 6 children, with I think a higher incidence than that for girls. You think that’s crazy? discuss it with the people who are in the trenches treating people everyday and working closely with the molesters that are caught.
Yes, it seems that we are today a bit more open as a society to discuss these crimes, but I do not think you will find anywhere any type of data showing that the incidence of these crimes has gone down.
I recommend you visit Feather Berkower’s website and sign up for her newsletter. It is not scary, depressing stuff. Rather it is very useful information about prevention and parenting tips. http://www.parentingsafechildren.com/#
There are ways to broach this subject with preschool age children, and others way to broach it with pre-pubescent children, and then again with children during and post puberty. Her book Off Limits was also a great read.
All these efforts were not taking place 10 years ago, that’s true. So it’s good progress that some parents are learning about this subject in ways our parents never knew. But children everywhere are still at risk, and the statistics are there consistently across cultures, religions, etc. This is a universal phenomenon and each and everyone of us can help bring more awareness to our communities.
” I believe the numbers are 1 in 6 children, with I think a higher incidence than that for girls.”
Either their counting an uncle pinching their cheek as molestation or the numbers are complete bullshit. I’m getting sick of this sensationalizing.
Velvel – I am touched and moved by your kind words and your opinion of me. There is no greater feeling than realizing others appreciate what one has to say and that one’s opinion counts. It really feels good to know I’ve been missed, and for that I thank you.
You are indeed right – I HAVE been spending most of my available time for these kefirishe pursuits in the OTD Facebook group, which means less time here. I will try to rectify that.
Feel free to contact me anytime on private email – and since I’m posting this in a public forum – that applies to anyone else as well: chaynobody@gmail.com. I promise to do my best to respond.
Critic V: I will give you that it’s a little bit of sloppy posting on my part to not cite specific data with corresponding source. Will try to get to that later. But no, we’re not talking pinching the cheeks ok? childhood sexual abuse involves genitals. Either the children’s or the adult’s or both. Showing a child a secually explicit image also counts. You may find the statistics scary and hard to believe, that doesn’t make them go away.
I personally had 2 adults behave inappropiately with me during elementary school years. I was not raped, it was not violent and thankfully, it went away soon enough. But it did involve genitals in one ocassion and images on another. I was not traumatized. It did not affect my future relationships. But it was a lot for a child to handle and process, and something I carried in secret for a long time. If I ran into those fuckers again I would give them a piece of my mind and you’d have to hold me back not to beat them up as best I could. Do you know how many people never speak to anyone about anything like this, and even about real violent trauma?
Critic V-
Regarding sensationalizing:
Out of sixteen different names, anons, pseudonyms and aliases on this page, I count at least FOUR- that includes me and the author of the essay- survivors of some kind of direct child sexual abuse.
And for your information, it wasn’t just a pinch on the cheek for me. There was the neighborhood perv in the alley behind our house. And the friend of my parents’ who was living with us at the time. And the much older boy who raped me.
Pinch on the cheek…
“I personally had 2 adults behave inappropiately with me during elementary school years.”
I’m sorry but inappropriate behavior is very subjective, can be blown out of proportion (especially in hindsight), and in any case is not the same as real child sexual abuse.
Though it is possible that 1 out of 6 are sexually abused by your criteria, it is not true that 1 out of 6 are touched on the genitals or have been forced to touch an adult’s genitals.
Lissa, I’d like to respond to these lines you wrote:
“It is NOT a rampant problem today. When I’m on this site I start to get the feeling that there’s so much wrong with the religious world, but I remind myself that there really isn’t….”
As a 45 yr old man having grown up in Monsey, I can only relate what happened to me. My personal experience.
If you had followed the news from that town, you might be aware that a certain Moishy Turner was arrested and charged with multiple counts of rape involving young boys.
My dear Lissa, I have news for you. Moishy Turner was very sexually active when I was a young boy. I was repeatedly molested by him thirty years ago. 30! Lissa, it is not rocket science to deduce the dark reality that this man, even if he had only one victim per year- has ruined, haunted, tormented- at least 30 lives.
For you to suggest that this community is just like any other is highly disingenuous.
The truth is that we can see clearly, from the recent revelations in Penn State, that the hierarchy always seeks to protect it’s narrow interests. In the case of Penn State, it’s vaunted Football program needed to be protected. That’s why the monster Sandusky was not exposed. You might argue “see, every community is the same”….
The sad answer Lissa, is, that yes; unfortunately the Football and the Torah community are the same.
Now this might provide you some measure of relief, but for the more sensitive souls on this board who really trusted
and believed in the great Torah and it’s practitioners, the realization of these betrayals, caused many to begin questioning. The Torah leaders are the primary cause for what you term “OTD bitterness”.
Gabriella, Ruthie, and all others who were abused.
I do not doubt your stories. I just think in general when people talk about how rampant child sexual abuse is it gets exaggerated.
I know from my own experiences that if I want to get really mad at the frum community (or how crazy the world is etc.) I can claim to have been abused because there were in fact what I can probably claim to be inappropriate stories. But in no way do I objectively consider myself to have been abused. I think others who went through the same as I did, when they want to make the point, will consider themselves victims for the sake of the argument (or survey etc.) thus bolstering the numbers.
Critic V:
If you cannot speak from personal experience, expert opinion or statistics, then how do you know?
Also, where do you get off dismissing anyone’s pain? Who are you to say how much it hurt?
I say Critic V is talking out of his tuchus.
Ruthie,
Was your comment at 5:08 in response to my comment at 5:07 or to my comment at 4:51?
To respond to this : “Yes, it seems that we are today a bit more open as a society to discuss these crimes, but I do not think you will find anywhere any type of data showing that the incidence of these crimes has gone down. “- That’s because it’s too soon for any data . the change is happening NOW within the last few years.
Also – and this is the final time I will adress my point ( that I’ve made in a few comments here- here’s the short version) – Molestation is an issue . I never said it was not. Hpwever, changes are being made. This summer, a group of a few hundred women including myself attended a workshp given by a noted therapist on how to prevent and deal with all matters of abuse ( sexual as well). That was jsut oen workshop-one night. We are much more open with our children- our parents weren’t as educated or equipped to deal with these issues.
SO yes, I don’t think its RAMPANT. ( I can however list other issues that arerampant and nothing is being done to stop it)
Finally, as a survivor of sexual abuse I can say that we have two choices. Take it or leave it. You can Go for therapy ( which I still do ) Grow, and create a safe haven for your children . Or you can be bitter , and live in the past .
To anyone that doubts the occurrence of child-molestation in the Ultra-Orthodox community due to their lack of experience: I am absolutely overjoyed that you have not encountered the horrors that all too often go unpunished, and I hope that you never do encounter them.
Having said that, I strongly advise you not to come to that conclusion solely based on your own experiences.
CriticV — What arrogance! You don’t know of stories, therefore they don’t exist? Some people really have all the luck — it didn’t happen to them, and they haven’t been privy to the stories. Consider yourself fortunate.
To those who doubt the prevalence of abuse, I can offer a few stories in brief, the details of which I’m personally aware of, all of them told to me directly by the victims.
1. A 15-year-old boy repeatedly forced to perform oral sex on a man close to three times his age, a powerful member of his community.
2. A 19-year-old boy (with the same abuser as #1) repeatedly forced to have the man sit on his chest to the point of near suffocation until that guy reached orgasm.
3. A 13-year-old boy molested by a stranger while hitchhiking from Williamsburg to Borough Park. (The man’s hands on his genitals, extended fondling — all while held in a locked car in the middle of nowhere…)
4. A young girl (ongoing from the age of 9 until mid-teens) repeatedly forced to submit to vaginal, oral, and anal penetration by a relative — often in extreme BDSM-like situations. (E.g.: Thrown naked, with her hands and feet bound, into a swimming pool.)
These are just a few that come to mind that I’ve heard firsthand from victims in detail. Then there are at least a half dozen more whose stories by now have somewhat blended together in my mind, although the pain and hurt on their faces have not. They were all horrific. And no, they weren’t cheek-pinches from an affectionate uncle. They were bona-fide sexual assaults, fondling of genitalia at the least and often involving penetration.
And then there are many, many more that I’ve heard second- or third-hand.
The horror of these stories is only compounded by those who find them hard to believe and dismiss them as fabrications or exaggerations.
Those who haven’t experienced such incidents, or have not heard of them from the victims themselves, cannot imagine the pain nor its lasting effects: the confusions, the anger, the shame and guilt (of the victim who thinks he/she is somehow at fault), the burden of secrecy, the fear of retribution from the abuser if the deed became public, the fear of shaming or hurting the abuser who might be a close family member, the agony of having no one to speak to.
CriticV — If you don’t know of such stories, consider yourself truly lucky. I don’t ask that you take my word as fact. Only that you don’t dismiss it just because it tells of uncomfortable truths.
Lissa — I actually agree with you — to some small degree — that matters are changing. Slowly, and very incrementally, but yes, there is now a discussion on the subject and there’s more awareness. That’s a good thing, and we should recognize that.
However, abusers are still out there, and most importantly, there’s still a culture of keeping such matters suppressed and withheld from authorities. And that’s a HUGE ISSUE. The hyper-vigilance of parents and educators can only go so far. There has been almost zero movement on this particular issue, despite all the past scandals and a lot of pressure from many professionals and law enforcement officials. And therein lies the great stain of shame on the frum community. It is only in allowing the perps to be punished and be publicly shamed that change can really happen. Until the frum world recognizes that, they’ll continue to be complicit in a great evil that no amount of chesed and love and warmth and generosity and all those other good things can make up for.
I’m sorry to all who are aggravated by my comments, I did not mean to convey doubt about anyone’s story. My point was about the 1 in 6 statistic.
Critic V, your bullshit passive-aggressive non-apology “I’m sorry you feel that way” is noted. It is still as worthless as your arguments.
You have no facts.
You have no research.
All you have is a firm conviction that it couldn’t possibly be happening. On what do you base this? You’ve never seen it. It’s never happened to you. Nobody you know has told you about it happening to them.
Of course you wouldn’t see it. That’s the whole point of covering up crimes. But rest assured it does happen. We passed out of the insane “Satanic Ritual Abuse” witch hunts of the 1980s a long time ago. Now we have plenty of real research, real law enforcement experience and fact-based therapy. Somehow that just doesn’t matter to you. You don’t want to believe it happens, so it doesn’t.
Shulem – regarding your story #2, out of curiosity, how is a 19 year old boy being forced to be repeatedly suffocated and sexually abused in such a terrible way? Do you mean physically forced or emotionally?
Btw, I wonder if, bottom line, the hassidic kids are less safe than none hassidic. After all, with all the cover-ups, I don’t think the percentage of child molestation in the hassidic community is more than 1 to 6.
Critic V: you did not mean to convey doubt about anyone’s story? What is “I’m sorry but inappropriate behavior is very subjective, can be blown out of proportion (especially in hindsight)” supposed to mean then? I am not gonna get into details with you, but suffice it to say that if I had reported those incidents at the time, those 2 pervs would have been charged. To conclude, I have no motivation to make the Frum community look bad, because I wasn’t frum then, I am not Frum now.
Moving on. Turns out I was remembering the 1 in 6 statistic correctly.
See below, from http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32315
“Although child sexual abuse is reported almost 90,000 times a year, the numbers of unreported abuse is far greater because the children are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2004).”
“It is estimated that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will have experienced an episode of sexual abuse while younger than 18 years. The numbers of boys affected may be falsely low because of reporting techniques (Botash, Ann, MD, Pediatric Annual, May, 1997).”
“Sixty-seven percent of all victims of sexual assault reported to law enforcement agencies were juveniles (under the age of 18); 34% of all victims were under age 12. One of every seven victims of sexual assault reported to law enforcement agencies were under 6. Forty percent of the offenders who victimized children under age 6 were juveniles (under the age of 18). (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2000).
“Most children are abused by someone they know and trust, although boys are more likely than girls to be abused outside of the family. A study in three states found 96% of reported rape survivors under age 12 knew the attacker. Four percent of the offenders were strangers, 20 percent were fathers, 16 percent were relatives and 50% were acquaintances or friends (Advocates for Youth, 1995).”
Shulem thanks for the note , and its a good point, and I will heed it in the future.
Gabriella,
Looking back at the comment, I should have been clearer. Believe me (for what it’s worth) when I say I did not mean it towards your story. I meant to say it generally, when someone is asked “were you touched inappropriately” it can be very subjective.
I acknowledge I should have been more careful with my commenting on such a sensitive issue.
Siyum — In answer to your question: Physically.
The situation was such that the man would corner him and pin him down with his weight. The ‘bucher’ would struggle and try to fight him off, but he was no match for him.
The sickest part is that years later, when the victim told me this story, I asked him why he doesn’t speak out about it. His response: How can I do it to the guy? He’s unwell, has marriage troubles, has problems with his children, etc. etc.
ער איז נישט געזונט, ער מוטשעט זיך מיט פרנסה, ער מוטשעט זיך מיט שלום בית, ער מוטשעט זיך מיט שידוכים…
The problem is that without speaking out, the abuse continues. The victim has been conditioned to see his abuser’s problems as more important than the agony of his future victims.
@ Sulem- to adress this :”Until the frum world recognizes that, they’ll continue to be complicit in a great evil that no amount of chesed and love and warmth and generosity and all those other good things can make up for.”
I think the frum world DOES realize it. ANd has done a lot in the last five years. Molesters have been convicted,people are speaking out, and we will see a change in numbers in the future.
I think this is an issue, but I also think whining about it will get someone nowhere. There are ways to raise awareness, and practice prevention without throwing the Jewish community under the bus – because EVERY community deals with abuse- pick up a secular paper and see for yourself.
( Side note- ( and don’t read this if you plan on getting offended)- I call bull on that 19 year old boy. Please. 19? Thats 19 years of living- old enough to tell someone! NOT A CHILD- I attend support groups , and most of us were molested between the ages of 8- 15. I mentioned this example last night to a few of them, and the concensus was that a 19 year old boy is way too old to say nothing.
Also, it has been noted ( sorry I don’t have statistics) that children who suffer from the absence of parents aprooval and love tend to create some sort of non existent memory later on in life , usually to elicit sypathy and fill a gaping void of some sort- so there is a minority of molestation stories that aren’t true.
This is my humble opinion.
And again- in life ,we have a choice. Be bitter and tell the world how horrid and cruel the world is, or grab life by the reigns, and grow through therapy, making changes for a better future.
Um, excuse me, lissa, but you “calling bull” highlights the very problem. It doesn’t sound likely to you, and therefore it can’t be true.
That, dearie, is exactly the problem. Uncomfortable truths are dismissed as fabrications, and the cycle continues.
Progress, my ass.
I don’t know about you, but I know plenty of skinny and meek chasidish 19-years-olds that can be overpowered by large 350-pound guys, and intimidated to keep quiet about it.
“And again- in life ,we have a choice. Be bitter and tell the world how horrid and cruel the world is, or grab life by the reigns, and grow through therapy, making changes for a better future.”
Those choices are irrelevant here. To call those who speak out against injustice “bitter” shows how little you understand about this problem and the issues surrounding it.
Imagine a judge saying that to a victim in court: “Don’t seek justice. Just go to therapy and stop being bitter.”
Sheesh.
@ Shulem- We can agree to disagree and I’m the last one to highlight the problem because I do believe we should speak out and take action . But for the future. And there has been progress. As with any major issue , progress can sometimes be slow- but in terms of abuse and how it should be approached and prevented , you cannot compare the way we are raising our kids to the way were raised. That’s my point – focus on what you can do so that tomorrow looks better than yesterday. ( and that has total relevence)
ANd as far as my calling bull, I don’t care how skinny and meek a boy is. 19 is 19. Does it mean it never happened? Of course it has.. I’m not ignorant .But it is not rampant in the Jewish community ( and forsure not compared to other communities)- and to THAT I call bull. (again my opinion)
lissa, your opinion is based on pure feelings and denies the evidence. You don’t believe because you don’t want to. That sort of opinion isn’t worth much.
This isn’t “agreeing to disagree”. That’s what happens when two people have irreconcilable differences of perspective or interpretation. What you’re doing here is jamming your fingers in your ears and screaming “LALALALALA!!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” and demanding we accord it the same respect as real facts.
I taught in yeshivos for many years and ran across a number of cases of child molestation – it’s all true, Lissa. Orthodox child sexual abuse is still a serious issue, and the rabbonim are still guilty of protecting the molesters while censuring and punishing the victims.
Once, I caught one of my students molesting a little girl; when I spoke with his parents about this, his mother admitted that my student had attempted to rape her on two separate occasions. When I spoke to our hanhala and the rabbonim, they ignored the situation and would not give me permission to contact CPS or the police. When I did finally contact CPS on my own, I was censured and marginalized by our hanhala.
Just a few months ago, I wrote R’ Shmuel Kaminetsky. He called me on the phone and we discussed the child sexual abuse issue. He would not agree to release the names of any known Jewish molesters to the police; he sympathized but wouldn’t help. Last month, I wrote another letter to the Agudah; they ignored my letter.
Lissa, it’s happening NOW and, worst of all, the rabbonim are actively protecting molesters while censuring and punishing victims and advocates for talking and/or reporting molesters to CPS and the police. I know this for a fact; I am on the inside track.
What these “gedolai hador” don’t seem to get is that they could go to jail. It’s no longer about their choice. And consider the embarrassment. Penn State had the good sense finally to fire even those who did report the alleged assaults because they didn’t go far enough. These cheredi leaders have their heads in the sand. This could all explode in their faces. Shame on them.
J.- I fear that no one will have the courage to make it “explode in their faces” , because if they did “make it explode in their faces” , they would be ostracized , probably beaten up , besides for the problems their children would have in school , and eventually with shidduchim.
True, Velvel. But all it might take is for an OTD person to make the charge and the rest is up to the authorities.
The issue is that the people who see the problems in Chassidish society either leave or hide, when they could start a social movement — within chassidism — and make changes.
Sarah what you are saying is so true , but it is that way for so many reasons. I wish I could be the courageous one , but I am not willing to. The women who wrote Hush is one candidate who did her share.
But what if it started on the internet? People come together here, anonymously, safe from chassidish society, to talk about problems they’ve been having. What if their was a site where chassidim got together to create a movement to reform things? That way, when it came time to go public and speak out, they could go as a group. And, they could even wear masks to protect their identities.
because most people who become disillusioned with the community lose faith or lose the will to live/be a part of the community , and hence leave as you mentioned. Also most in the community don’t want reform, especially the leaders, they like the way it is, so it is impossible to change it. We are not a growing grassroots movement, we are a tiny minority, and most of us have no interest in having anything to do with the community. Sarah your website exists in some way or another, I mean check out nuchemrosenberg.com , in regards to child abuse, but there are not enough of us to start the movement.
If leaders who were resistant to change were enough to stop change, no society on would ever had changed.
It seems like there definitely are people who want to reform things.
The only reason it is impossible is because people think it is, and believe they have no power.
““The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” ~ Alice Walker
I know there are too many issues of molestation in the frum community.
However, someone molested is obviously more likely to go OTD. So in a community of “Chasidim on the fringe” the numbers will be much higher.
Like commenters above, I have never personally heard of anyone being molested in any way in the frum community. However, I have personally known many non-frum people who were molested. What does that mean? Not much, it’s my personal experience. But the stats that any of you have gathered from your social circle isn’t really representative either.
Esther I agree that anecdotal evidence is only useful to an extent. But I also think that the problem which most people have with the frum community in regard to molestation , is that they try and hide/ cover it up , in various ways , which allows molesters to go free ,and continue to molest other children.