Post-Mechitzah Blues

Author’s note: “To be sung like a country-western, ballad-like reggae kind of rhythm thing while strumming on a guitar and chewing on a piece of herring.”

* * *

Well I went to shul one shabbos day,
And fantasized about my old sweetheart Faye,
Could have sworn she was there on account of the smell of her cologne;

But I couldn’t tell for sure, ‘cause there was a mechitza,
and my heart was dancing up a rina and a ditza,
Cause I missed that Lilith real bad since the day she was gone.

So I whispered to the shammos that I’d pledge 10 dollars,
Maybe throw in a kiddush and some homemade challahs,
If he’d just get me up there on the bimah – you know — for an aliyah.

I figured, once I’m done with all my brachos,
I’d tell them “Boys, you can all just kish mir in tuchos,
‘cause the only real reason I’d come up there was to see her.”

So they called my name and I stood up,
I saw the bulge in my pants and decided to stop,
And maybe say the sh’ma and pray that the thing would go down.

You know, I never did like the idea of Mechitza,
But right then it was the shul’s most welcome feature,
‘cause I’d be a kneidel in borscht if Faye coulda see’d me now.

So I grabbed me a tallis so no one would see,
And the shammos said “Nu?” and I said “Nu who, me?”
And I hurried up the aisle a-limpin’ and a-shakin’ away.

I climbed up the bimah, and said my blessin’,
Looked over the mechitza and just stood there guessin’,
Whose cologne that was; ‘cause there was sure no sign of Faye.

Well, the shammos said “amein” and he started to chant,
I saw this fox of a woman and I began to pant,
Hell, we was chantin’ and a-pantin’, I was sweatin’ like the mornin’ dew.

He came to a break and I said, “Keep on readin’”,
He mumbled something about the drawbacks of separate seatin’
I told him “I need to stay up here, awhile, ‘cause I just met someone new!”

Well the shammos read through the very next parsha,
and to make a long story short, that’s how I met Marsha,
And as for Faye, I hear she ran off with a Zen Aquarian.

Now Marsha was frumm so I had to teach her,
How to make beautiful..uh…prayer without a Mechitzah,
So now we davven in a shul that’s both nudist and egalitarian.

You see, the way I was brought up, men and women didn’t mix,
And you didn’t pray with members of the opposite sex,
Or you’d lose your kavanah and have lewd thoughts, maybe waste your seed that night.

Now I don’t know where all that stuff is written,
But no matter what side of the Mechitzah you’re sittin’,
Y’can’t help but wonderin’ – like — what’s happenin’ on the other side.

So God bless the folks who are for separate seatin’,
Whether it’s for prayer, weddings, or just plain eatin’,
‘Cause I don’t mean to sound like some New Age heretical preacher,

But as for me, well I guess I’ll just take my chances,
‘Cause I love nothin’ more than praying with all of my senses,
‘Cause I’m not only post-denominational, I’m also post-mechitzah.