The Frum Pedophile
Ahuva Sable2013OpinionLove & SexReligionThere has been a new conversation about sexual molestation in the frum world, and this is good. The conversation is happening on the fringes of the community, and, as more courageous victims speak out, in the heart of it as well. The much publicized Weberman trial has prompted rabbis and activists from within the community — such as Rabbi Yakov Horowitz and Ezra Friedlander — to call publicly for a change in how the frum world deals with sexual abuse. As I hear people discussing these cases, my heart breaks for the victims, but it also saddens for the perpetrators.
Photo: Oded Balilty
In all of this talk about how to deal with abuse, there is one aspect that has so far been overlooked: the sexual repression of the frum community and the role it plays in leading to sexual deviancy. Only a team of statisticians, psychologists, and sociologists (and I am none of these) can determine this conclusively, but it would be foolish to overlook this. Common sense suggests that the extreme sexual repression of the frum world would lead some to prey on children, not necessarily because these pedophiles are all pedo philia – lovers of children, but because some of them might find children to be one of few available outlets for their sexuality.
The frum world has today turned sexual repression into a full blown obsession. The teenager is terrorized into avoiding masturbation and taught to treat sexuality as degrading and shameful; casual interaction with the opposite sex is a major act of deviance; couples are paired for marriage with little regard for mutual attraction; and tznius is expected to be the dominant religious obligation of the female population (and that of their male overseers).
If the cost of ordinary sexual outlets – sexually satisfying adult relationships — is so high, then a higher incidence of less ordinary outlets becomes far more likely. The frum world has several unique instances of such: It is no secret that otherwise heterosexual yeshiva students often seek sexual encounters among their peers. It is also not unheard of for ordinary children and teenagers to seek sexual encounters among their siblings.
So too, adults who do not have satisfying relationships of their own might turn to the easiest and most vulnerable prey: children and minors.
A culture that judges extra-marital sex more harshly than sex with children sends a clear message about its sexual mores and ethical priorities. If so much of sex is bad from a religious perspective, then that which is merely criminal does not stand out as uniquely grotesque. It stands to reason that at least some frum pedophiles (although certainly not all) are not true pedophiles but suffering under a system that has led them to follow aberrant impulses.
This does not excuse the pedophile’s behavior–not in the slightest. A pedophile’s motivation does not alleviate the devastation he might wreak on the lives of his victims. But understanding the unique profile of a frum pedophile, and the conditions that lead to his actions, might help us better protect our children.
Perhaps the frum community knows this, and this understanding fuels their outrage when pedophiles are brought to justice. “He’s a good guy!” they cry. He’s not a criminal, is the subtext; not like the non-frum pedophile. And perhaps they’re partly right. Perhaps there is something different. Perhaps some percentage of frum pedophiles would lose their awful predilections in a freer society.
The frum world must ask itself now–in addition to all the other difficult questions: is it not creating a society in which tragic sexual dysfunction is uniquely bred? Is it properly allowing its members to lead healthy and fulfilling sex lives?
The pedophile’s crime is surely one of the most heinous. But perhaps, just perhaps, it is sometimes borne of a greater dysfunction within frum society, that of unnaturally suppressing men and women’s most natural desires.
33 Responses
This is a very well-reasoned and well-argued piece. I’m in full agreement, having engaged in inappropriate behavior with underclassmen in yeshiva simply because girls were completely out of the question.
Excellent piece! In my mind there’s no need for a scientific study to determine this conclusively. It’s simple common sense! Another minor point I would add is that children are seen as less of an aveira because you’re not being machshil the partner with an eveira since s/he is only a minor.
מסכים.
You will first have to prove that there is a higher percentage of pedophiles in the Hasidic community. I think research has shown the contrary. They may seem infested due to the high profile cases in the past few years. But those keeping a database, such as NR, have a pretty complete database that covers most known pedophiles. Now match up this percentage per capita compared to any other given community. If your research proves positive, then your proposed theory is worthwhile to look into.
Most pedophiles I have encountered have a very obsessive personality, and is no doubt an obsessive disorder.
Eli W: “You will first have to prove that there is a higher percentage of pedophiles in the Hasidic community.”
This is irrelevant. We want to strictly minimize the number of pedophiles, hebephiles and offender ephebophiles, without regard to our communities’ righteousness or psychological health relative to any other communities. The only question is whether *we* are generating, or multiplying, a subpopulation of situational offenders. It is the systematic study of *our* offenders that will illuminate this question.
BTW, much useful information here:
http://www.richardsipe.com/ . A.W. Richard Sipe is a psychologist (and ex-monk) who has studied an analogous phenomenon among the Catholic clergy for decades.
Kudos to a well written piece.
I would disagree strongly with the notion bought up by some commenters that the fact of a lesser prevalence of pedophilia in the Chareidi community disproves the theory of this writer. The fact that the Chareidi community has almost no violent crime with the exception of pedophilia strongly demands critical introspection. The theory so well described in this piece is perhaps the explanation for this discrepancy.
Praise to the writer for introducing a very important discussion and making some very valid points.
I am not a credentialed professional and don’t write as such. However, I have learnt much over my years of being involved in advocacy for awareness of child sexual abuse. Most importantly I have learnt that the issue of sexual abuse is very complex with many variables for its causes and forms in which it presents itself. Oversimplifying the issue does not do us any good.
It has been researched and documented that societies that are sexually repressive and prohibitive with a strong division of the sexes may lead to some in that society to develop paraphilias and sexually abusive behavior. The current Haredi culture certainly qualifies for one such society.
Although I agree with much of what the writer writes about the dangers of a sexually repressed society, there are some notions in the article regarding child sexual abuse which I feel are oversimplifications and need to be addressed.
According to current scientific understanding, careful distinction needs to be made regarding the term “Pedophile”. Not all pedophiles abuse children, and not all those that abuse children are considered pedophiles. There are pedophiles and there are child molesters. A pedophile obsessively fantasizes about children (regardless if they actually act on those fantasies), and a child molester is someone who does the act of abusing a child (see more at the links below). Additionally, the act of a sexual offender is generally not about sex and/or being sexually repressed. There are generally many underlying psychological issues which have much more to do with emotional and psychological control and power.
Even more complicated is the issue of sexual fantasy and behavior. Sexual fantasy of children is not normative, and most adults will recoil at the notion of someone having those fantasies. What creates those fantasies and behaviors is a study in its own. To say that someone will abuse a child solely because of lack of opportunity in a sexually repressed society is oversimplification in an extreme form.
As I’ve said above, it is a very complex subject, which suffers from often being over-simplified with black and white hues. Unfortunately, I can’t write much more here due to time constraints, though I invite those who have had training on the subject to comment further.
You can learn some by reading further at these links:
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/explaining-pedophilia
http://www.stopitnow.org/faqs
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedophilia
> You will first have to prove that there is a higher percentage of pedophiles in the Hasidic community. I think research has shown the contrary. … those keeping a database, such as NR, have a pretty complete database that covers most known pedophiles.
The operative words there are “known pedophiles.” The database cannot account for unknown pedophiles, and the instance of reporting is much lower in the Chareidi communities than in the general population. For those that would report abuse, official policy of everyone to the right of Young Israel has been to report first to rabbonim, who would then decide whether or not the case should be taken to the authorities.
Interesting article but speculative. She says it needs to be studied by social scientists but then she goes on to make assertions. Not saying she’s wrong just that she doesn’t provide evidence and I don’t know if you can understand pedophiles based on “common sense.”
Elisha, you’re right about mainstream pedophiles who have a sickness and cannot be understood based on common sense. However, pedophiles in sexually suppressed communities can be the result of simply having no other outlet. Just “common sense.”
Bar nash, yes they “can be the result of simply having no other outlet” or this separate category might not exist.
I’d like to see some evidence that this can happen.
> So too, adults who do not have satisfying relationships of their own might turn to the easiest and most vulnerable prey: children and minors
According to your hypothesis there should indeed, be more potential child abusers within Haredi circles and we don’t know that there are. Most OJ of all denominations abhor pedophiles like the rest of society and there may in fact be a greater per capita incidence of abuse due to a higher rate of retention of re-offenders among haredim, and because of poor protection checks in place, if they don’t prosecute offenders. I don’t know. But neither do you. What I do know, albeit anecdotally, is that there is a higher rate of sexual impropriety towards women by Hasidic OJ over MOJ for example, which is arguably where your repression argument comes into play, they far more can be crass and vulgar.
> Most OJ of all denominations abhor pedophiles like the rest of society. (Emphasis mine.)
Clearly this is not so. In Chasidic communities, pedophiles are seen at best as somewhat strange and pervy, but not worse than, say, homosexuals. There’s a lot of tolerance for it if done quietly, especially if the person is semi-respectable.
I think that’s mostly untrue chaptzem. True there is denial, but when paedophilia is proven to be the case by their own warped standards, hasidim do abhor pedophiles. And the younger generation certainly does.
Groggy, among hardcore chasidim (Satmar, Vizhnitz, Belz, Skver, etc.), especially in insular enclaves, pedophilia is simply not recognized as a concept. They are ignorant of it as a condition and they are ignorant of its effects and they are ignorant of any “abhorrence” they are expected to have. To deny that is to deny the obvious. Not even worth an argument.
I disagree strongly. Moishe hot getchepert mit kinder, men darf im tzibrechen di beiner. Such a sentiment is quite normal to hear.
Yeah, when Moishe’s an unemployed ‘gurish’ with no friends and no family in high places, and so he’s a ‘chazir’ and a loser and easy to bully. But when it’s the longtime ‘kitte ches rebbe’ or the menahel or the mashgiach in yeshiva or the rebbe’s gabbe, people just shrug and move on. And if you don’t know of the many, many such cases, consider yourself lucky.
>pedophilia is simply not recognized as a concept
You have conceded and added a qualifier. You now say pedophilia is simply not recognized as a concept read where or the menahel or the mashgiach in yeshiva or the rebbe’s gabbe. Ergo pedophilia is recognized as a concept.
And even then among a large section of the younger DVD watching population there is real anger.
Bullshit. You can’t hold up those on the margins and declare them mainstream.
I don’t know where you live, but where I am, two otherwise it normal individuals have been banished from shuls, of one of the brands you mention, because they have molested children. I am being perfectly honest here. Most people Haredi have difficulty accepting that child abuse has occurred. But when it is clear that it has, there is by and large disgust.
I love articles on unpious, especially the ones based on pure speculation and with no attempt at a solution.
Brilliantly and sensitively written. The author brings up a very valid and point. I’m sure this concept has crossed the mind of most members of the frum community at some point or another. Thank you for verbalizing this. It’s time for everyone to join the 21st century.
@ itzik,
Great point! What does the article’s author offer as a solution?
Should we permit Yeshiva boys to hang out with and screw girls? (of legal age, of course…)
Perhaps we ought to solve the problem by allowing all community members to have sexual relations with anyone permitted by US law, thus increasing the “available outlets for their sexuality.”
Or, we can all just go “Fry” and thereby get rid of the entire “Jew” problem with one Zetz!
I mean, why the hell not?
“The Torah,” you say?
Heh, that’s so Yesterday…
I won’t comment on the articles’ speculations about sexual repression. Rather I just wish to give some applause to a more fundamental issue raised by the article: the need for conversation on controversial or delicate issues. I would like to expand this to not just sexual issues but to many more issues. Time and again I have felt there is lack of community discussion on these issues, and this lack goes unnoticed because sometimes the conversation is diverted and subverted in numerous ways, and we even need a conversation on how to have a conversation. If the subject was just taboo, we would all know “Oh yeah, we don’t talk about this…” Rather the topics get talked about it by “experts” whose real job is to make people think they are thinking, but without actually really thinking (…know what I mean
Where would this conversation even take place? Should there be a more academic approach in the educational system so that people actually read whole books on these controversial subjects, and *then*, once informed, engage in a far more robust discussion? I find the internet blogs a substitute for such serious discussion, and an inadequate one at that! But it is better than nothing. Nothing is the absences of discussion, and worse than nothing are diverting “experts” who are politically motivated.
As a victim of horrendous sexual abuse at the hands of my Rabbi father, I truly appreciate this article. I’ve actually thought about this possibility and we may also need to think about that unfortunately molestation victims may become molesters themselves. Regardless, my (X) father of course never admitted to his crimes and they will never be forgiven by me or by the other victims
Any of these men knows how to go and get a prostitute. Isn’t there somewhere that even even says basically…Take it somewhere else if you have to…go to another city. I find all of this really flimsy. Boys in Yeshivah together is one thing…or girls..same most likely goes on in many religious seminaries of any religious group.
Especially Arabs sleep with men a lot to avoid the crime of sleeping with the women who must be pure for marriage. We were on the Ulpan in college in Israel and these Chrisitan Arabs with green eyes that worked in the meat packing plant where several of the Ulpan young men on our program were volunteering,, were quite often propositioned by these Arab guys.
When a person is already an adult, there is really no excuse in not being able to find another consenting adult around somewhere. If they think they need to. Most kids get married really young, so I don’t think a lack of sex should be a problem. Most everyone is married. There is enough media and computers around even in the frum world to figure it out. I think it’s really all the same everywhere. People need to be educated and unfortunately there are those in every culture that are similar. I do not think a repressive sex life has anything to do with it. People just make bad choices. Better a carefully guarded sex life, than what I see walking around on the streets all hanging out all “up in there…” Really…
Those who state the the incidence of child sexual abuse within the haredi community is no different than in the general population are using the wrong comparison group. The right comparison group is the non-hardi Jewish community. I would anticipate that such a study would show that the incidence of child sexual abuse is indeed much higher in the haredi community than in the non-haredi Jewish community.
I can’t understand why protecting haredi cultural norms is more important than protecting haredi children. Haredim should be more interested in protecting their children than in focusing on the daily minutiae of daily life. Shame on them. Shame also on those haredi communities who shun, vilify, threaten and intimidate those victims who report the crime to police, thus allowing the criminal to sexually abuse other children. How can these people possibly atone for their crimes on Yom Kippur? Haredi Judaism is truly an aberrant society.
Please take a look at my blog on incest in the frum community: The price of Truth
http://www.genendyspeaks.blogspot.co.il
>I can’t understand why protecting haredi cultural norms is more important than protecting haredi children.
Well said. I want to say (strongly) that dealing with sexual predators will not harm Chareidi culture, nor harm the daily minutia of strict Torah observance. Now, can anyone persuade me otherwise, or does everyone see the basic truth here?
Moreover, the police have no interest in Chareidi culture, nor any concerns of interfering with anything. They are far too busy worrying about dealing with seriously violent criminals, or who is blocking the traffic intersection, or their retirement 401K. Dealing with sex offenders is just another odious part of their job. Can anyone convince me otherwise or does everyone see the basic plain truth here?
I have to think that the delay in sexual gratification is a big cause. Generally people are hungry for sex at 16 or so. Waiting till 23,24,25 without even allowing for masturbation is untenable, particularly in this salacious society. Then you have to wonder what goes on or doesn’t go on in marriages in the bedroom.
melissa,
I don’t know what society you are looking at. What do you call getting married young? 23? That’s not young. That’s years after people are ready for sex. By then, they are good and messed up.
I live in a yeshivish town and the young people are off to their year in israel at 19, 20. Then they date for a few years after that.
Even then, that dating requires outrageous conformity. If a guy has enough sense to want to get training for a parnassah he gets put in the bad list. Basically you have to shut off your brain to get married.
Abuse happens more often then you think. I know, it happened to me. We hide these things because we are told too, is it shame of out of respect.
Wonder if there is a good counselor to talk to or a friendly ear.
fammears@gmail
Total nonsense, some percentage (very small) are pedophiles etc, sexual repression due to religion has nothing to do with being a pedophile or gay.