News Roundup – Thur. 3/25

The Tractate Bikkurim segment found in Geneva (Photo: Biblioteque de Geneve)

A section of the Jerusalem Talmud’s Tractate Bikkurim is now intelligible. No, really, it is. It was once missing a sentence, but the sentence has now been found in a tin can in the Geneva University, part of the Cairo Geniza collection and overlooked for a century. Scholars are now holding out for a tin can somewhere with a document from Moses saying, “Haha. Just fuckin’ with you guys. Of course the sea didn’t split! Hello? Laws of nature? Sheesh!”

The New York Post has ventured into new areas of culinary criticism: namely, putting the various Chasidic matzoh bakeries to their test – and tastes. The result is the same as the old consensus: Pupa-Tzehlem wins. But what surprised us most was in their article opener: “Each major Hasidic sect in Williamsburg has its own matzoh bakery and each bakery zealously guards its methods and its recipe.” Say what? “Recipe”? Wheat-flour and water was all our grandfathers used.

Shulem Weiss, renowned con man and Satmar Chasid, helped cause the 1994 collapse of the National Heritage Life Insurance Co. He was sentenced in absentia in 2000, after fleeing to Austria, to 845 years in prison. Austrian authorities eventually found him and sent him back. Now he’s asking the judge to reduce his sentence. 845 years seems a bit much to him. 35 years is more to his liking. Sounds sorta reasonable.

A media firestorm in Israel about Charedi opposition to the construction of a new emergency room building has Charedim up in arms. Former MK Yisrael Eichler claims the media attacks amount to a “blood libel.” The issue stems from a ruling issued by Raabi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv to MK Yakov Litzman not to allow the rocket-and missile-proof new emergency room at Ashkelon’s Barzilai Medical Center, claiming that its intended position over the graves of ancient bones will cause a violation of Jewish law. Litzman is proposing that the new building be built around 100 meters farther away, a proposal that will cost an extra 100 million NIS, and take 18 months longer to build.

In a related incident, news anchor Yakov Elon, after describing the tension over the emergency room, transitioned to the next story by saying: “And from Charedim we now move on to human beings.” (Mi Charedim naavor le ananashim.) Oops. Eilon later apologized, explaining that he meant to say “and from graves we will now move on to human beings.” (Mi kevarim naavor le anashim.)

All this, according to Ynet News, has triggered the establishment of a new “Center against Charediphobia” to end a situation where “Charedi blood is shed with no consequence.” As one astute observer once pointed out, there is no word in Hebrew for “understatement.”

Bibi Netanyahu and Barack Obama had more to discuss during the former’s recent visit to the U.S. than settlement building in the West Bank and the Mideast Peace Process. The dispute now in question? Gefilte fish. Containers holding frozen carp arrived in the port of Ashdod, but Israel just recently imposed a new tax on carp imports, causing an impasse between the importers and Israeli authorities. President Obama brought up the issue with Netanyahu and explained that, if unresolved, the issue would increase unemployment numbers in the U.S. Horrified at the notion, Bibi set the wheels in motion for a resolution: the carp is now to be sent to Canada, for their gefilte fish industry. Uh huh. Canada’s gefilte fish industry.

The Egged bus company in Israel is planning to install audio-visual systems in 500 buses, which will assist the blind and deaf, stipulated by the law for Equality for Persons with Disabilities. But some rabbis are objecting. The intended screens, they say, might be used for “unworthy purposes.” Egged promised to project no images or pictures on the screens, only texts, but the rabbis are insisting they install only LED screens to display the name of the next station.

Nathan, 53, and Mindy Myski, 50, a married couple from Rockland County, have come up with a very unoriginal scheme to milk money from the government – the sum total, as it happens, of $76,000. She owns the house, he pays her rent for living in it. But since he can’t afford the rent, he gets Section 8. Plus they own several other properties valued at several million dollars. All are winners except the federal government. Oh, and the taxpayers – who are, to some, just an abstract entity whose existence is sketchy and has yet to be confirmed. The Myskis can avoid prison time if they can repay $25,000 before their sentencing. Sweet.

Disclaimer: Unpious.com is neither fair nor balanced. We are totally partial to snarkiness, cynicism, sarcasm, and Pupa-Tzelem shmurah matzah.