The Train Station

Hey, get out of the station – use the stairs.

Sounds like you were better off on the train.

sounds like you should go back on the train & be a father to your poor children (& a husband to your poor wife too if that’s possible..) it doesn’t sound like you’re doing too great in the train-station but please if you do go back on the train, don’t bring any more innocent victims into the world, just be there for the ones you’ve already created!

My dear friend,

Ouch I feel your pain. You make my eyes swell with tears. Despite my name, I don’t think that I’m so smart to address your difficult dilemma. I would greatly encourage you to seek out a “good” psychologist, preferably one who is psychoanalytically oriented, to help you sort through your emotions and inner conflicts. You deserve to feel at peace with yourself. Hope all goes well.

Sincerely,
Uber

Wow Yakov,
You open your heart for all to see and get hammered.
Firstly, your current situation sounds sad and dire. I feel for you.
Secondly, the sun will come out tomorrow.
Thirdly, your children are not lost to you as long as you are here on earth and you can communicate with them. Children need their parents, especially if there’s a situation when one must ‘jump off the train’. Remember, it’s never their fault for the jump but internally, they may not know that.

Please continue to reach out to them from your ‘train station’ and make plans to hop on another train to bring you to a happy destination that you can offer the children to visit.
It is all in your hands and you can either stay in the ‘homelessness’ situation or do what you can to make the best of the cards you’ve been dealt. It’s never too late.

Prayers coming your way for a resolution.

You should sabotage the railway so the train doesn’t reach Doomswile. Go after the conductor. You should declare a holy war against those who want to harm your kids. Since you are afraid that you will die in this station, you might as well dedicate whatever life you have left, to organize a partisan group and fight with this destructive regime.

YY,
The vast majority of frum skeptics and nonbelievers do not leave their four kids alone, heading off to Doomsville.
What I would appreciate is an honest depiction of our tragic passenger’s pschosocial profile.

Not to minimize the abysmal existence of so many citizens he left behind in his old town,
this particular passenger might very well have been a lost and lonely traveler regardless of the direction his life’s journey would take.

Epic post. I’m a bit confused tho. If the station refers to orthodoxy and leaving it refers to venturing out into the world, then why are the people in the station people who he relates to? Unless I missed something.

I hear you on your concern that your kids might be headed to Doomsville, but with all due respect sir, it appears that you’ve already arrived there.

Meanwhile, the train that’s still steaming ahead has plenty of joy-filled people who are living life to its fullest.

And, although you might not see it, the possibility for your happiness is still there. But you gotta get a move on it. Get out of your stupor and realize that there’s nothing more gloomy that this stagnant stench-filled state of staying in the station where the sun don’t shine.

To those who think the author is just some lost soul, think again. It’s easy be an armchair psychologist/sociologist and make sweeping pronouncements about the “vast majority of skeptics” — which somehow suggests that we must be missing an “honest depiction of the author’s psychosocial profile.” (Does he owe obtuse readers anything?) However, anecdotal evidence suggests that there are large masses in this very same position, reflecting not a psychological imbalance but a very real dilemma for the very many whose personalities drive them away from orthodox thinking.

And while one might correctly suggest that a prisoner in miserable conditions can benefit from therapy, to suggest that such a prisoner is merely “lost and lonely” is both cruel and ignorant.

Kissme — the station is nomansland, the world in which people wander once they’ve left Orthodoxy in heart and soul but without their bodies. And there are hundreds who wander in it, unable to take their children along on their own journey, but unable to move on without their children.

Tzippi — Your wonderful alliterations notwithstanding, you don’t seem to have made a single point worth pondering. The fact that the train is packed with joy-filled people is relevant because… um, why again?

” However, anecdotal evidence suggests that there are large masses in this very same position, reflecting not a psychological imbalance but a very real dilemma for the very many whose personalities drive them away from orthodox thinking.”

Thinking?
Who is referring to “thinking”? My comment was explicitly directed to those who “leave”.

” And while one might correctly suggest that a prisoner in miserable conditions can benefit from therapy, to suggest that such a prisoner is merely “lost and lonely” is both cruel and ignorant.”

HR,
Try to slant, interpret, or spin it whichever way you fancy, but I’m not calling this traveler lost and lonely. He says so himself.

“In the meantime, my conscience is torn and my life is in shambles…
I am like a rotten smelly pest to most of the passengers who go on in either direction, I am different from all of them, I am the homeless person that has no destination. …
Silently, we mourn his loss and go on with our pointless lives…”

HT —

“this particular passenger might very well have been a lost and lonely traveler regardless of the direction his life’s journey would take.”

“I’m not calling this traveler lost and lonely…”

Ok, so let’s rephrase… You are suggesting the likelihood that he is “lost and lonely” by disposition rather than due his particular situation. That may or may not be the case. But I don’t see how this piece indicates one way or another, while you seem to think it does. (Your comment about the “vast majority of skeptics” indicates a point of contrast.)

“Thinking? Who is referring to “thinking”? My comment was explicitly directed to those who “leave”.”

If that’s the case, I’m not sure of its relevance… The author, I believe, hasn’t left.

“to suggest that such a prisoner is merely “lost and lonely” is both cruel and ignorant.”

First off,
I never claimed that this traveler is “merely” lost and lonely.

I would hypothesize however, that to subject oneself to the emotional upheaval and trauma inherent in leaving four children, there is a strong chance that this individual;

A. Did not have as much to lose in terms of social status within the community as many others who chose to stay.
B. Was battling personal demons which would haunt him regardless of lifestyle and/or environment.
C. Was suffering extreme emotional discontent to be willing to make the sacrifice this change of lifestyle entails. And by extreme, I am referring to variables not directly associated with living a frum lifestyle.
D. Might have narcissistic/selfish personality traits that enabled him to focus on his own future potential happiness even in the face of his children’s suffering.

If it needs to be said, I am in no way passing judgment on this particular individual. I am not him, and never was forced to make the decisions he made.

But to ignore reality, and place all the blame all the time on the community is intellectually and morally unappealing.

HR,
My comments were not directed to the author but to the traveler. I can’t know if this piece is totally, partially or not at all biographical.

What I do know is, that the following reflection is not based on what happened after the protagonist decided to “think” skeptically.

” I still see the gloomy faces they had when I jumped, the foot-stomping of my oldest one, the tears of my middle child, the frightened look on the one before the youngest, too young to fully grasp the situation, but old enough to realize something unpleasant was about to happen, something that will affect her life forever.”

“I would hypothesize however…”

a) Gotta love the armchair hypothesizing. Just wondering, is this based on any evidence? Of course, not objecting to it being your “common sense,” but, you know, someone else’s common sense might be different.

b) As already noted, the author, I believe, didn’t leave. So not sure how the hypothesis is relevant. Then again, it might just be an excuse to announce your hypothesis. Which is fine. Just saying…

c) I, too, have an hypothesis. When one eats a grilled chicken sandwich it is most likely for one or several of the following reasons: a) the person is hungry, b) the person likes grilled chicken sandwiches, c) it was dinnertime and that was the only thing available, or d) just s’tam. As a friend of mine used to say, “Duh.”

I should add, I have no evidence for item (c). But I believe item (c)-(d) covers any possibilities that I might’ve left out. Or I can just add an item (e): none of the above. Which then, of course, makes the hypothesis patently undeniable.

“Gotta love the armchair hypothesizing. Just wondering, is this based on any evidence”

How I wish it wasn’t.

“What I do know is, that the following reflection is not based on what happened after the protagonist decided to “think” skeptically.”

And you know that how exactly…?

The fact that the train is packed with joy-filled people is relevant because… um, why again?

Only in the sense that Doomsville sounds like a dreadfully sad place. And he somehow seemed to have found it preferable to leap to that locale – steppin’ over bodies to get there sooner.

Then he stopped. And is standing still, still. Has he found answers? Still looking for the questions? Is he doing anything other than wasting space – and wasting his life in the process? So desperate was he to avoid arriving ‘there’, or even being ‘there’ – that he seemed to have opted for the living death.

In the meantime, the place he left behind is filled with sunshine and good cheer – and the joy-filled residents of misnamed-Doomsville are as happy as clams. (And without even so much as knowing why they’ve never even tasted or seen said clams, they are blissfully unaware of the irony.)

Oh, and one more thing:
Happiness is a state of mind. So is ‘doomsville’. Circumstances have got positively nothin’ to do with it. Wake up and realize that your life is your own. Be the damn conductor – and go where you decide.

Its sad and annoying that there are so many commenters injecting their irrelevant, self-inspired judgments here.

Yacov Yosef- thank you for making yourself vulnerable. This is a beautiful, moving piece. For me, the highest form of art is that which puts words to an experience others have, but can’t express. Which you do, spectacularly, here.

This also reminds me of that song “Ride the Train” – was it a Journeys or a Destinys song? One of those Jewish groups.. you know, that train that appears in so many mashilim, always running on a one directional track. I love how you appropriated this familiar metaphor for something so much more complex and honest and raw.

Thank you.

Doomsville.

It’s where the FBI is waiting to put all the train passengers in jail.

It’s where the poor devil is waiting to put them all in to poverty.

It’s where Hitler is waiting to put them all in the gas chambers.

It may take 100-200 years for the train to arrive in Doomsville.

What a great article, congrates. Some of the comments are horrendous. Those comments explain why someone would want to spend time in the station rather than the train with such travelers

Great post.
I feel for you,
My kids are the reason I myself dont leave,
However you had the courage to leave,
At least work toward enjoying and appreciating your freedom,(easier said than done),
Realize though the gloomy look on your childrens faces isnt the permanent faces they have become,
Kids have the uncanny ability of making peace with the situation there in,
So ease up on your guilt,
Smile, Put one foot ahead of the other,
Go out where the sun shines, Feel the warmth on your face.

YY
“I wish I didn’t have to leave them behind; I wish they could have jumped with me. We would have been together, moving towards a new life, and I wouldn’t be stuck in this godforsaken train station.”

How about a little Honesty? The last thing you wanted was for your kids to jump with you.
Your story is very touching and heartbreaking but the truth need to be said, had u loved and cared about your kids that much, you wouldnt have left them in the first place.

I have been to the station many times and struck up conversations with the habitats. Almost all of them, will at some point agree, that the reason for getting of the train had very little to do, with any philosophical or ideological convictions (even if they use that to justify there actions and calm there conscience) but instead, they just want to live a FREE life. Free in every sense of the word! not just from religion and society… Its the Bohemian and anarchist life style that appeals to them. look around the station and you will see for your self. Most of your new-found Friends are experimenting with and doing drugs (all kinds) have multiple sex partners and they are all broke and blame everyone else for it. The few exceptions move on and out of the station quickly.

So, if you really love your kids and heed to there crying voices then why dont you just turn back and be a true Dad to them. Tell them how cold and miserable its out there in the station. Tell them the truth about how worthless u felt after trying it all and realizing that there is nothing to it. Tell them that they are lucky to have two parents under the same roof that care and love them.

Something tells me that you will rather stay stuck in the station and eventually turn to narcissism, then deal with a bit of shame.

The complexities of leaving are overly simplified by condensing all considerations on children. Ain’t some of the straphangers whiling away in the station single boys and gals? The farther advanced in life, the more costly it is buy a ticket for a train outbound. Children are but one charge adding to the bottom line, and not the farthest left-jutting. Family, marriage, and life-as-you-know-it in general are far bigger concerns, IMO.

The analogy isn’t crystal clear. Commenters seem to have different interpretations about the nature of the station. Is it the hangout of ex-hassidim who’ve already jumped from the train of Orthodoxy but not yet boarded the train of mainstreamed lifestyle, or is the state of disillusionment from Orthodoxy prior to making the jump? Is the heartrending scene of parting with the children reflectional or imaginary?

” I have been to the station many times and struck up conversations with the habitats. Almost all of them, will at some point agree, that the reason for getting of the train had very little to do, with any philosophical or ideological convictions.”

Conductor, though I agree with your observation, I want to expand on what you wrote, and take your premise in a different direction.

Many frum people pat themselves on the belly when they meet these passengers heading towards no mans land.

But the fact that emotional disequlibrium drives these people out, in no way validates or gives credence to the frum lifestyle.

There are happy and unhappy, successful and unsuccessful people in the most dysfunctional societies, and those who have more to lose, or better coping skills, will have less reason and/or desire to leave.

Chances are you don’t meet them in the station, but the number of skeptics who chose to stay within the community is staggering.

True, those who leave, primarily do so for emotional reasons, but those who stay, and those who don’t challenge and question the status quo, do so for emotional reasons as well.

Conductor,
The reason for getting of the train had very little to do, with any philosophical or ideological convictions (even if they use that to justify there actions and calm there conscience) but instead, they just want to live a FREE life

I can only speak for myself, and for the few people I’d spoken to who have agreed with me, but I believe the sentiment is widespread.

The elephant question hurled to skeptics: Are you smarted then the Rambam?
Most people, even genius people, don’t challenge sanctioned truths, (psychologists may explain why). But if they do, and the Rambam did, the fountain of apologetic explanations never runs dry. Our own sages acknowledged a bug could be rendered pure by one-fifty twists of reasoning, but a bug remains impure. The simplest of truths could be omitted in the plainest of views from the greatest of geniuses. Desire, the notorious eye blinder, could also be an eye opener when it provides the motivation to see through the layers of grimy indoctrination.
The answer is: I’m not smarter than the Rambam, but I see things from a different angle. And Conductor, for some the reason is a compound of the carnal and the philosophical.

Conductor —
“Almost all of them, will at some point agree, that the reason for getting of the train had very little to do, with any philosophical or ideological convictions.”

As opposed to frum people, who, of course, mostly remain for philosophical reasons… Is that right?

The above claims, so often made by frum people who feel qualified to psychoanalyze those who leave, are ludicrous. Not because they’re necessarily wrong (although I do think they’re mostly unsubstantiated), but because it’s obvious that these speculations — and hasty conclusions — are done only to satisfy the frum person’s discomfort at seeing fellow frummies abandon ship.

No single frum person can possibly know “almost all” of those who leave. Frum people’s interactions with those who leave are usually self-selecting. The ex-frum who hang around frum people will be very different from those who don’t. From my own observations, the more serious, studious, and focused ex-Charedi will choose to disconnect from frum people more intensely. They will often be pursuing academic and professional endeavors far removed from their communities of origin.

The fact that some frummies feel qualified to draw such sweeping conclusions without seeing the flaws in their thinking says more about frum people that it does about the ex-frum.

HT
I dont look at this in terms of a community, lifestyle or religion. This is a narrative in which a Father leaves his kids that he supposedly loves so much, in pursued of something else, something different, something experimental. I dont see this as courageous or heroic I rather see it as the epitome of selfishness. In fact my heroes are the skeptics and the ones that are philosophically convinced that its all bullshit but they stick it out for the sack of there kids/family.

HR,

I dont have an issue with people leaving the frum community or any other community, for whatever reason that may be, as long as they dont hurt there own kids in the process. And when they do, especially for selfish reasons to try and experiment with the world out there, dont claim to love them.

I know my fair share of ex-chasidim/frummies and there is only a handful that move on to an academic or professional life.

like i said:

“The few exceptions move on and out of the station quickly”

HR,

So, if you are frum or you stayed on in the frum community becouse you didnt want to wreck your family. Then you gotta be stupid and you are automatically disqualified to psychoanalyze the Schmuck that left his wife and kids and got stuck in the station feeling worthless and homeless. Gotchya!

No, you’re not disqualified because you’re frum, you’re disqualified because your sampling size is small. Your methods are obviously faulty if you claim that the “handful” that you know are representative of anything.

I personally count among my friends from the ex-frum crowd (off the top of my head) 3 attorneys, 2 LCSWs, a psychology grad student, 2 soon-to-be published writers, and several (at least 3) pursuing advanced degrees in the natural sciences. A number of others who are pursuing various academic and professional endeavors within the humanities’ fields (acting, filmmaking, photography).

Is this more representative? I have no way of knowing; I don’t know all ex-frum people to make that judgement. But it’s enough to tell me that your generalizations are off-the-cuff and wildly inaccurate.

Yakov,
I am in the same metaphorical station with you. Denial and ignorance is the only prescription to alleviate the pain. Its traditional medicine.

Thanks for your article.
Mechel

Wow!!! What an article! So masterfully pointing out underlying emotions of so many people I know in the hypothetical station…

However, I am perplexed by the emotional reactions of the children still on the train. Do they feel that the father is not on the train with them?

Tzippy,

You ever saw a sad idiot?

No, Whyte. I don’t believe we’ve met.

The negative responses to this heart wrenching article is totally uncalled for. I as a Hasidic father of 6 sweetest kids was moved to action upon reading the opening sentence of this article. “I spend most of my time looking for ways to send them messages, telling them to leap when they have a chance to do so. I don’t know if they will ever have the courage.”

This line opened my eyes to an unrealized phenomena by us in the hasidic mind set; here I am a father who procrastinates to write a letter to my kids in camp. I have the urge but didn’t get around doing it. Here I read this poetic dark struggle, that let’s be honest, every human being goes true in life down moments, this writer only captures it on paper so vividly, but he opened me to a window never exposed before that in ‘our Hasidic community’, yes more than all other communities I know, we are so tightly knited so warm, so connected, that ‘our own kids’ arnt that so exclusively our own, we share them with the rebbes, mechanchim, grand parents who receive the ‘so much nachas’ and mostly everything belongs to god… But this writer has some deep conection to his kids, that he does not share with the rebbes and mechanchim and god and grandparents. Its exclusive. Its real. Its inspiring to me. I want to thank this writer for the awakening to my kids I already wrote them all letters today after pushing it off for 6 weeks. Now they are ready to come home again to me from camp.

In the meantime have u all fellow hasidic parents a great Shabbas singing with ‘your’ kids!

Yakov, I don’t deny the pain you’ve suffered getting to where you are. And I understand that it’s preferable to where you were.

What I can’t fathom is why you said you “I had four children.” They’re still yours. You’re still theirs. Even if they’re living with their mother you still have parental rights and duties.

You can ignore them. You can demand them. Your can exercise them. No matter how much The Community wishes it were otherwise you live in a country where the Law recognizes them. Joint custody isn’t perfect. Visitation rights are worse. They are infinitely better than the false decision you have to make between your children and your soul.

Your wife and the people around her might say bad things about you? They will no matter what you do. If you involve yourself in your children’s lives to the extent the legal system permits you can have a positive effect on their lives and do something about the bleeding wound in your heart. They will know their father loves and cares for them more than anything even if he lives a different life and lost their mother’s love.

For your sake and most of all for theirs ignore tradition. Give halacha a hearty “Fuck You!” and be their father.

Beautiful piece.
But I don’t see why there has to be sadness. I know that I am working towards making things better for me and my kids, and trying my best. Every creature, including humans, is born into a limited situation. How is a chasidishe father’s situation different from a father in an African village, who sees no future for his kids other than hunger and disease? There is no difference whether the limitations are economic or social. What should matter is that we are working to change what we could, and I choose to do that being together with them.

The tenor of some of these comments is surprising–a condemnation of even the thought of leaving a painful situation or a maligning of his essential character. I believe these comments miss the point entirely. By posting this passage here he is taking a huge risk and opening himself up in a vulnerable way. He is clearly in pain. The issue here is that the proper response to human pain is empathy. You don’t need to agree with him about what to do, but you can hear his essential suffering and the courage it took to say it out loud.

There are in fact many people who suffer at this “train station.” I know because as a psychologist I have treated quite a few Chasidic men who are in a similar stuck position between two worlds. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to even recognize one’s internal struggle and question the beliefs you were raised to never question. There are no easy answers here. However, it is a universal truth that to feel caught in a world you don’t feel you belong to or believe in is traumatic. Processing those traumatic feelings is much harder than ignoring them. This man is giving voice to his unconscious feelings of dislocation and it is my strong belief that, no matter what his concrete decision ends up being, he is to be congratulated.

Glaube das da ist gut Maikäferjahr – ein gutes Jahr.

it is quite sad that most train stations these days are horrendously overloaded :