Unparalleled Wisdom From The Sacred Texts of the Schmelves (Jewish Elves)

Translated by Rabbi Gershon Winkler (the only known mortal to be welcomed in the Bais Medrash of the Schmelves)

It happened that Rabbi Lozmir embarked upon a journey of twenty parsangs when he came upon a scorpion who promptly stung him on his left foot. Some say it was a journey of fifteen parsangs and the scorpion stung him on his right foot. Others say it was neither foot and that the scorpion stung him on his parsang.

What is a parsang? Rabbi Gornishvissen said: “A parsang is the distance between one ray of the sun and another.” Said Rabbi Sha’shtil: “A parsang is the distance between one ray of the moon and the other.”  Asked the sages: “But does the moon have rays?” Replied Rabbi Sha’shtil: “Does the sun have parsangs?”

They asked Rabbi Soandso:  “What is a parsang?”  Said he to them: “A parsang is the distance one travels from the foot of the Temple Mount to the top of it.” Said they to him: “Is it the same distance as traveling down from the top of the Temple Mount to the foot?”

In that moment, Nuveedan the wife of Rabbi Soandso happened by. Said she: “And which foot do you refer to, the foot of the Temple Mount, or the foot of Rabbi Lozmir who was stung by a scorpion?”

Said they to her: “Blessed is Rabbi Soandso who remembers the Holy Temple Mount, but more blessed is the wife of Soandso who remembers the foot of Rabbi Lozmir.”  Said she to them: “And blessed are you who can tell the difference.”

What is a parsang?

Declared the sages: “It is not known to us but will be revealed in the World to Come.”  But will it make any difference in the World to Come to know what a parsang is?  Replied the sages: “This, too, will be revealed to us in the World to Come.”

We have learned: Never walk three cubits behind six women. Rabbi Punktyetz said: “Four cubits behind four women and two men.” Rabbi Ungehpatsht said: “Ten cubits behind three women, fourteen men, and one duck.” Rabbi Lozmir said: “Four cubits behind two-and-a-half women.” Rabbi Soandso said: “Four cubits behind Rabbi Lozmir.” And the law is like Rabbi Soandso.

From the Code of Jewish Law of the Schmelves

A Sabbath that falls on a Tuesday during a leap year must be observed in the same manner as any other Sabbath except that only one loaf of challah is eaten and candles are set into the candelabra but are not lit.  Some say that the Kiddush wine must then be drunk only through a reed.  Others say through the straw of a Babylonian wicker basket. Others say the wine can be drunk through the mouth but not swallowed until after sundown.

One who was wandering in the wilderness and forgot what day it was, should count fifty years and then observe Yoy’vel (the Jubilee).

If one is traveling on a boat Friday afternoon and the Sabbath arrives, one must light two flares and jump ship.  Others say, first jump ship, then climb aboard again for safety, for it is permissible to violate the Sabbath to save a life, even one’s own.

One who woke up late and forgot to recite the morning prayers must go back to sleep and wait until the following morning.  If he sleeps late the following morning as well, he should sleep yet another day and night. If he fails to wake after three days, he should be accorded proper burial.