A Grateful Athiest
FreiFem2011At an ungodly hour this morning, as the shower washed my hormonal nightmares away and hot water beat on my shoulders, a bubbling series of kicks spread across my stomach triggering an intense awareness: I’m pregnant! Holy fucking god! And I’m living in Manhattan, with the man I love, who loves me, and I’m pregnant and it’s Fourth of July weekend and I’m living life on my own terms and the water pressure is damn good in this apartment! Life is good. Why am I so blind to this? Why am I not more appreciative?
As a kid, I believed god accepted my fervent thank yous as payment towards my (always, I was told, overdrafted) heavenly bank account. So I said them. A lot. Thank you Hashem for that dime I found on the curb. Thank you Hashem letting super popular Michy smile at me. Thank you Hashem there’s pineapple kugel for supper tonight. Because I had so little, each small joy also meant that much more to me.
But now that my life is overflowing with goodness I think I downplay that goodness, as if there was a man in the sky tabulating all of my blessings, and if I call attention to my good fortune he’s going to balance the scales with a little more misfortune. And I guess I also get acclimated to the goodness, losing sense of its magnitude as it becomes expected.
And then I wonder, how is an atheist grateful? What does that mean? I guess it means directing the gratitude one used to reserve for god to other people, the people actually responsible for the goodness one comes across. Not only does that hopefully encourage more goodness in the world, it’s also self-serving – the more attention paid to good things, the more room they take up in one’s consciousness, the happiness one could expect to cultivate.
So, note to self: there is no man in the sky rationing my blessings but there are lots of good people responsible for the goodness I experience I need to get in the habit of thanking more.
Thanks for listening :-).
15 Responses
I think as an atheist , you also begin to realize that much of your fortune is because of yourself. You worked hard , you made money etc, Malcolm Gladwells book “The Outliers” non withstanding (vadai lamavin). If I remember correctly I think you once mentioned this point on your blog or maybe I read it on abandoning eden’s blog.
Velvel – (I’m really, truly not intending to get all Frum on you) as you say – we should indeed bask in the truth that this is “Chochi VOtzem Yodi” which – as an atheist – is the true source of our successes (that, and sheer luck, of course… :))
Chay Nobody- Your comment really made me smile , thanks .
I think in religion itself more credit should be given to the individual , it would lift many peoples self esteem .
Just for full exposures sake , I am not sure if I am an atheist , it is very difficult for me to believe in a G-d who even after creating the world is involved in it , but I am still thinking, struggling , and figuring out what I believe.
Just for the record, FreiFem, if you’re an atheist, you should be exclaiming “Holy fucking Christ,” not “Holy fucking god!”
“Life is good. Why am I so blind to this? Why am I not more appreciative?”
It’s called the hedonic treadmill. Google it.
Thank your husband for being wonderful.
Thank people who do good things for you.
Besides that? Appreciate the happiness even if there isn’t someone to thank for it. You can appreciate a beautiful day without paying someone in gratitude.
Velvel – thank you.
And for the record – I, like you, am not sure I am an atheist either. I too am thinking and searching for the truth. It is a very painful inner search and struggle. It is even more painful for someone like me for whom Yiddishkeit was never unpleasant or a burden (maybe you too?; unlike the many sad stories one sees on these sites and on many blogs). I am/was quite happy and contented living the Frum life. There is indeed so much beauty and meaning to being Frum, but alas – as I have only recently begun to realize – beauty and meaning do not necessarily equal TRUTH.
I think I can honestly say that I have no particular interest in tayvos or hedonism as many would accuse me (my chavrusah in particular – I mean, like really? You really think I’m just out to get a cheeseburger and a hot chick?).
What’s especially painful is that it is so hard to find people I can honestly discuss these issues with who also share the desire to search for truth – wherever it may lead. I was always taught that no question is out of bounds and Judaism accepts all who sincerely ask for the truth, but now I see that in practice – this is simply not true. Some questions are so unacceptable that to just ask them immediately puts you out of the community. And, yes, (unlike those Kiruv songs we so loved to sing way back when) there are many questions for which Judaism simply doesnt have the answers.
There was once a 15 year old yeshiva boy. A boy who did not miss putting on tefellin or mincha/maariv. One day he unintentionally wolfed down a Carvel cone after having a frank and nothing happened. As a matter of fact he grew into a quite confident young man who had moderate success with girls in-spite of a speech impediment I am relating the beginning of my wild ride to illustrate that it’s possible for someone to just NOT BELIEVE. Well it’s now 50 years later and due to external forces I am part of the Orthodox world but I am non practicing which sits well my wife and family just fine. If not for the advent of the web this topic would never have surfaced. I have always suspected that most of people who wear the “levush” would chuck it all in an instant if they could really break free
Chay nobody- I really relate to your first paragraph. I was very sucessful in yeshiva , also was one of the top bochurim , who learnt and did everything , I always had a liberal slant , and then slowly the more I thought about things the more I realized the crevice between me and my friends theologically was growing, we remained friends but I began searching and I am still in that process.
“beauty and meaning do not necessarily equal TRUTH.” I just wrote something very similar to ER.
To me it is absurd to say that someone would uproot their whole lifestyle many times causing family tension , and sometimes losing their family all together , just for a hot chick, yeah right.
you are so right about questioning in Judaism I would caution you to limit it to your community.
I also have found it hard to find people who are willing to honestly discuss these issues with no fear of the consequences. I would like to speak with you, maybe through email (I mean it is difficult to talk on a public website).
Velvel – I would like that too – feel free to contact me anytime at chaynobody@gmail.com
(Emes Rocker – you can contact me too, if you feel you can truthfully answer my questions – I am not biased against any real truth from anyone)
Velvel – that’s a great point. And it’s not just a self-esteem issue – its a self-efficacy issue. Religions don’t want their members to think too much of their own abilities, so they direct pride in one’s accomplishments to gratitude to god. Its a shift I know I’m still coming to terms with – that I actually have the ability to shape my life – it isn’t all “bashert” (although I know some geneticists might disagree ;-).
Frei Fem , I hear what your saying , but why do you think that is, why do you think religions feel the need to make their members feel non self-efficient? I always thought of it as a theological problem , they put peoples self efficacy down because they needed to attribute everything to G-d, and then they took it to an extreme, attributing peoples accomplishments to G-d, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Who to thank? Why thank others around you, and scientists, but mostly thank your lucky stars. After all, we’re just one generic mutation, one freak incident away from the fabulous lives we have. Kochi V’otzem Yaddi? Think you’re Industrious? Ambitious? Creative? Smart? Clever? Have common sense? Yes and no. Google pre-determinism when you’re ready for a downwer. But don’t worry. You do get over that downer and go back to thanking your lucky stars. I do it (almost) everyday!
” I guess it means directing the gratitude one used to reserve for god to other people, the people actually responsible for the goodness one comes across. ”
Why? As an atheist you surely agree that we have no soul and therefore no free will. Therefore whoever helped you had to do it. His brain chemistry made him do it.
Velvel- Probably becuase it’s a lot easier to control people who feel inadequate and weak than to control people who feel empowered and independent.