It’s All Kosher (No. 3): One Pregnancy Too Many

Dear Posek,

I’m writing about an issue that is extremely hard to talk about but I don’t know whom else to turn to. I’m an open minded woman from a very Chasidic home. I’m in my twenties and I have five children. My husband and I raise our kids Chasidic, but we’re easy going and relaxed about it. Our kids grow up with way more freedom and happiness than my husband and I had when we were children, and we feel like our lives have just the right balance.

However, while my husband and I are frum, we don’t believe in having as many children as my body can bear. We’ve recently decided that we’re fine with birth control — with or without a heter. There’s only one problem. Due to some health issues my options for birth control are limited, and I can only use methods that are less reliable. As a result, I’m constantly terrified that I’ll get pregnant. I feel like I’m always taking EPTs with my heart flying out.  I really don’t want to have a sixth child in my twenties! I feel like I just need a break. Last time I got pregnant — I’m ashamed to say — I cried.. Here’s the scary part: if I know my body and if all signs are correct, I might be pregnant right now. I get depressed thinking about it. I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. And at the same time, I don’t dare tell anyone how I really feel.

Now I’m terrified. If the EPT is positive, please, what do I do?!

Signed,

Terrified Mother

Dearest Terrified Mother,

Thank you for not locking yourself in the bathroom to cry, and for letting us in on such a private and agonizing dilemma. It takes courage to broach a topic that few are willing to discuss openly — despite the fact that it profoundly affects so many women. The torment you describe is heartbreaking, and the worst thing would be to suppress those feelings. Your body is telling you that you face a very difficult predicament, and your maternal instincts are urging you not to ignore the issue any longer.

You ask: “If I’m pregnant… what do I do?” Most Chasidic women consider a positive EPT the stamp of a sealed fate. They might be overburdened and depressed about multiple successive pregnancies, but they’re resigned to the natural pace. They get their maternity clothes out again, for the sixth time, tenth time, or twelfth time and give birth to another child.

But your question implies that even if your EPT result is positive, you’re still open to other options. You obviously know the importance of family planning, as you’re using birth control despite it being generally frowned upon. Now you’re courageous enough to think about what to do if you’re already pregnant. And your instincts are right on the mark: you do have options. A) You can succumb to your helplessness and, however miserably, accept the pregnancy. B) You can embrace the pregnancy by taking a positive attitude about it, and by finding new ways to care for yourself and your family in the process. C) Or you can abort the pregnancy. None of these options are easy ones. Preparing to welcome another child lovingly when you are exhausted will take enormous effort. As for abortion, you might find it tormenting to even entertain something so deeply taboo, but that’s why you need to think about it carefully. Whatever you decide, it isn’t a choice unless you’ve carefully considered your options. And abortion is an option. It can also be easier than you think, especially if it’s considered early. An abortion can be performed confidentially for low or even no cost in an outpatient procedure. As for the religious aspect, the relevant halachic discussion takes into account a wide range of considerations. But broadly speaking, Jewish law does not consider a fertilized embryo to be a viable fetus until it’s forty days old.

Both giving birth and having an abortion are very serious choices. I know it may feel like accepting the child is the simple, safe route. It isn’t. It might be the right choice for you, but it should never be taken lightly or passively. Raising a child is one of the most important things you can do in your life. You’re not only having a baby, you’re creating a full human being, one who will grow up to take first steps and say first words (“ma-ma!”) and become someone tall and mature with questions, personality traits, woes and joys. One who will go on to live his or her own full life. It’s an enormous responsibility, and you, Terrified Mother, already carry that responsibility fivefold – you already have five children growing up in your care, children who wipe their tears in your apron and gurgle while sitting on your waist. Having another one isn’t like purchasing yet another item of clothing along with the change of season.

If you decide that you are ready to accept the pregnancy, I extend my congratulations and the gift of advice: don’t let the pregnancy consume you. I urge you to put your feet up and the dish towel down and try to be your own self. You may not be able to go back to work, but do different things that are new and engaging. Sign up for a night class or take on an interesting project. Try doing something that will make you feel invigorated.  Get together with parents from diverse backgrounds. Read new books, decorate the new baby’s room, and talk to your other children about the expected bundle of joy. Find a way to have more time for yourself. Even paying a sitter for an hour, just so you can read a book or watch a movie, may be money well spent.

If, however, you really don’t want the pregnancy but you grapple with the question of abortion, ask yourself this: which route would make you a better mother? Your instinctive response might be to keep the baby, even if it means you’ll be drowning under the burden. Maybe you think that saving the life of a two-week-old embryo is noble. But keep in mind the lives of your other children, be they toddlers or teenagers, who need their mother. If you cannot handle another baby and you have it anyway, your other children will suffer. A Chasidic rebbe once said that a woman’s strength multiplies and her heart’s capacity for love doubles with the birth of each additional child. Wouldn’t that be nice? But I’m afraid it’s not true; mothers, too, have limits.

It’s not the self-sacrificing woman who is the heroic mother. If you can’t handle another baby right now, an abortion, however painful, is what makes you a better mother. Being a good mother is about the quality of your parenting, not about pushing yourself to a breaking point. If an abortion is what you believe is right for you at this time, then I urge you to find a confidant, a trusted therapist or counselor, to help you through this process. And try to find someone – perhaps a coworker or friend — who can accompany you to the procedure.

You might be open to having an abortion, but  feel completely in the dark about it. If it feels like only a vague option floating in the unreachable distance, take some time to do research and to get comfortable with the idea. Word to the wise: it’s hard to google abortion without getting a lot of the inflamed rhetoric on the topic. Try not to let it distract you from finding the relevant information you seek. Here are two places to get started:

http://women.webmd.com/tc/abortion-topic-overview

http://www.plannedparenthood.org

I wish you the strength and wisdom to decide what’s best for you and those you love.

Signed,

Posek

The Unpious Posek welcomes your queries on all matters of impiety. Send your questions to posek@unpious.com.