Pretend to Forget, Never Forgive
FreiFem2011Blogscredit: DanielJames
I saw my mother yesterday. We spent an hour together, which we do about once a year.
“So nice to see you!” she exclaimed as we awkwardly hugged hello.
We sat at a cafe and chatted about pregnancy and birthing experiences.
“I’m glad I’m speaking with you,” she said at one point.
“Speaking” as in, on speaking terms with. There have been months and years where we weren’t on speaking terms, or whatever speaking we did was so tense and angry “speaking” seems too kind a label to affix to those conversations. Now, we chat briefly, occasionally, on the phone, about the weather and superficialities of our lives, and we meet annually.
I smiled but I didn’t respond. I smiled throughout the whole conversation. I even enjoyed the conversation, on some level. In our moments together it almost seemed as if we had a normal relationship.
It wasn’t until later that night that a disagreement with my husband triggered the opening of my emotional vaults, letting loose a surge of rage that ran through me, rage which I directed at him, before storming out of the room.
“What’s the matter?” he pleaded, bewildered, from the other side of the bedroom door.
“Don’t come in, just leave me alone,” I sobbed, holding the handle so he couldn’t enter.
“Of course I’m not going to leave you alone.”
I fell back on the bed eviscerated by emotion. He curled his body around mine and soothed me as I cried.
He knows me well enough to understand that my anger had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with her. Everything do with the buried anger I carry with me, that she will never address. The unforgiving rage that is further stoked by the easy, casual pleasantries I let myself exchange with her, as if I did forgive her, as if nothing had happened between us, as if she really was my “mother”.
6 Responses
I do think you should get over it.
Many people have issues with their parents over lots of issues.
You cant go through life hating and angry.
I ‘ve heard of people sexually abused by their parents, Beaten by their parents starved by the parents and more.
Look at Jaycee Duggard . She was kidnapped raped held in a disguting home , gave birth to 2 children as a teenager.
I dont know your life or your relationship with your parents. But I am sure it wasnt as bad as Jaycee Duggard. If Jaycee can get over it. I think anyone can.
Nobody is saying to be best friends with your mother, but alot of hurt can be erased
Anonymouste — I don’t know if telling someone to “get over” something is ever helpful. Life simply doesn’t work that way.
But what has me really scratching my head is: How do you know what Jaycee Dugard did or didn’t get over? Are you, like, her therapist maybe? In fact, I’d bet that any qualified psychologist will tell you it’s extremely unlikely that she’s gotten over it. Not that it has any bearing on FreiFem’s experience, but it does kinda show rather unsound thinking on your part.
I don’t understand your theory, Anonymouste. Because other people have suffered more than me, I shouldn’t be in pain? If a dog came and bit a chunk of your thigh off, you should “get over it”, becuase a dog bite isn’t as painful as water boarding/immolation/genocide etc..? Our experiences of pain are not contingent on other people’s experiences of more or less pain.
I didnt say you should be in pain, You should be in pain.
I think most of us have suffered pain in one thing or another.
But one thing Ive learned as I got older is to let go. One can be bitter about something so much it eats you alive. I know this too. Ive had it happen to me.
Ive found once Ive let the bitterness go, Ive found myself to be a much happier and productive person.
Freifem you said you have buried anger, this is not healthy.
A friend on facebook had a family member who was killed in a crime and they said they forgave that person. I asked how could you forgive that person, they killed your family member. They told me, They could live the rest of their life hating the killer and letting it eat them alive or they could let go, go on with their life and not let the killer take them as well.
Like I said I dont know you and all I know what you post here, but it does seem like you are letting yourself get eaten by this anger (Maybe I misunderstanding the anger). it is not healthy for you, you husband or your baby.
Ask a professional, is it better to be angry and let it eat you up inside or let it go.
I could be wrong here, but in another post you were at a Lamaze class or Yoga class (I forgot exactly what it was) and there was another pregnant woman there and she did seem to suggest the same thing to you (as I read it anyway)
“A friend on facebook had a family member who was killed in a crime and they said they forgave that person.”
How can a person rationally forgive someone for a crime that was not done to them?
Your pain is self inflicted and you can end it whenever you want by asserting yourself. When my non-religious wife was pregnant, we came to my parents for shabbos dinner. My father read and translated for my wife a passage that said a woman would die in childbirth if she didn’t light candles. I took her by the arm, we left, and next saw my father months later when he called and asked to see his grandchild. I was gracious and he never pulled a religious shtick on me again, knowing he would be out of my life.