The God Delusion
Berel Shuster2011FictionFrom: <yahweh@heaven.org>
To: <berel@yahoo.com>
Berel, Berel — Take heed, I have hearkened to thy prayer.
Yahweh
God of all gods
From:
To:
Huh? WTF? Who is this?
From:
To:
Behold — This is the Lord, thy God, who has chosen to pluck thee from the ranks of the miserable unemployed. I have seen thy resume on Jobs.com, and I shall make thee mine administrative assistant.
Yahweh
God of all gods
From:
To:
Um, I don’t get it.
From:
To:
Thy skills are negligible. Thy proficiency with MS Word and Excel is horrid. It is not for thy expertise in office management that I choose thee from the multitude of the unemployed but for thy humble obsequiousness to mine will and grace.
Yahweh
God of all gods
From:
To:
Oh my God! — I mean, my Lord. God Almighty. You’re for real. I’m humbled. Sounds awesome. I’ve been looking for a job for, like, forever.
(OMG. You’re for real, right?)
Not to push it, but… if I can ask… Are there any benefits?
From:
To:
I shall give thee a corner office, with a nubile maiden to attend to thy needs — secretarial matters only, verily. Beware unto thee, lest thine eyes wander to her bosom and I shall smite thee and banish thee back to page 7 of the Jobs.com listings.
For all nubile maidens are mine, sayeth the Lord. Thou shalt not approach her to commit an abomination of the natural sort or from her hind in the manner of dogs; neither under thy desk nor in the utility closet; neither during business hours nor after closing time. For those were the abominations of my former employees, whom I shall have thee smite.
Yahweh
God of all gods
From:
To:
‘Smite’? Wait a second. ‘Thee’? What do you mean by ‘thee’?
From:
To:
Thou shalt take unto thee an M16 (or an AK-47, or an Uzi, doesn’t matter really) and thou shalt proceed to the place that I shall point thee to (CityLife corporate, at Park and 52nd, with the art deco facade, just to be clear). For they have angered me with their insolence and their petty thievery, and their corporate greed. But mostly for their fornicating habits, with everyone screwing everyone else like rabbits — that dickhead Josh in Legal with that whore secretary of his and that bimbo Julie with that techie intern, in particular. And I shall install thee in their place from which thou shall execute my terrestrial affairs.
Yahweh
God of all gods
From:
To:
Lord, if it pleases thee and if I find grace in thine eyes, I beseech thee, grant thy servant’s request and steady my right arm, for I shall do thy will. Hearken to my prayer, O Lord, and tell thy servant just one thing: That place (I scouted it this morning) is a goddamned insurance company! (I have sinned, my Lord, with my outburst. But I’m bewildered.)
For thy mercy is great and thy wisdom and benevolence are boundless. Pray tell, though, must I smite them all?
From:
To:
Yes.
From:
To:
K.
(Although…. if it may please my Lord, I’m particularly vexed re the blond nubile maiden at the front desk. Can’t I just keep her?)
From:
To:
Lord, are you there?
From:
To:
Hello?
From:
To:
If it pleases thy grace, forgive my insolence and respond to my calls. You around? God? Yahweh?
From:
To:
Hi Berel,
I got your message from my secretary. It’s a wonderful first step that you’ve recognized your delusions for what they are. I’m sure that over the course of a few sessions we can begin to ground you in an empirical reality. Remember: you don’t have to fear your delusional episodes and the characters that populate them. They may seem powerful, but they cannot hurt you, they are only figments of your imagination.
It is urgent, however, that we address these issues promptly as there are indications that your episodes might pose a danger to yourself and others. I’m not overly concerned, but it’s always best to be safe.
I can see you on Thursday at 2.
Dr. Harold Cohen
Licensed Psychotherapist
From:
To:
Berel,
I haven’t heard back from you and I’m a little concerned. They reported last night on the news that some maniac named Shuster entered an office building waving an M16 threatening to smite people. Thankfully, the guy’s in custody. I sincerely hope it wasn’t you. Call me ASAP.
Dr. Harold Cohen
Licensed Psychotherapist
From:
To:
Berel — Dude! It’s me, Moish! Hahahaha! Had you going there for a while!
Was I good or was I good?! Had to keep from mixing up my thys and my thees and my thines. I had to get a fucking King James to get it all straight. That shit is like totally Shakespearean.
Anyway, just thought it would be fun to fantasize about giving those bastards at CityLife a good fright. Remember they fired my ass for screwing that Thai receptionist? Like I was the only one. Ha. Anyway, I hope you didn’t do anything drastic. (I never know with you. Haha.)
But seriously, if you’re still looking we might have an opening in Tech Support at this new place I’m at. Send me your resume ASAP and I’ll forward it to the big guy.
Oh, and BTW, tomor’s Thursday. Deli 52 at 11?
Moish / God (LMAO)
concept by Yochanan Cohen Godel
4 Responses
Thy article made my day!
I am now smitten with laughter!
What a great way to start the day!
Ha!
Um, actually, should I be scared that can almost see this happening? Hmmmmmm…
thanks, that made me laugh!
Adorable. The scary part is, that god indeed never communicates with humans, if he exists at all. So the whole moses story was written by someone with a sweet imagination, just like berel shuster, and the billions of followers of judaism and its offshoot christianity and islam are just waisting entire lifetimes on a harmful imagination. OMG!