My Hirsute Pursuit
Emma Rubinstein2013First PersonLove & Sex
I posted a personals ad on Craigslist as a joke of some sort: I was looking for men with facial hair. “I want to French kiss a man with a mustache,” I wrote. What I had in mind was a bearded Brooklyn hipster.
As it turns out, when you get really specific on CraigsList, you get a lot of replies. And speedy ones — within five minutes of posting. You also get a journey through a strange cross-section of male personalities that could make you the envy of an entire school of anthropologists.
Men liked my post, they told me, because it was short and straightforward. Although really, I know you can post anything and men will want you. I admit I was flattered. It is empowering, all those starving males with raging hormones, for you and you alone.
Some guys were more crass than others. Some didn’t know their own hairy topography very well; what they called a “mustache and beard,” was what we call in my country a cannon with two wheels. Nothing, however, surprised me as much as the responses I got from my favorite variety of hirsute men: Hasidim.
I have always been fascinated by Hasidim. I am half-Jewish, and that side of my family has been shrouded in a bit of mystery. I would sometimes walk around Williamsburg and stare at the Hasidim, wondering where among them lay my family’s history. I would try to talk to them, but never had much success.
And suddenly, thanks to my hairy pursuit, it seemed as if I had woken up an entire community. I had said I was looking for facial hair. They had facial hair.
At last, I could talk to them.
Most of the interactions with these Hasidic men were via email. They were all different, and yet, many of them seemed so alike. The majority of them were married. They lived, they told me, among the most restrictive sects. Many were awkward, struggling with fears and anxieties that made me see them as both endearing and pathetic. They were not in pursuit of friendly conversation alone; they wanted more, they were clear about that. Happily married or not (and some claimed they were), they wanted desperately to French kiss a shiksa.
The funny thing was, I liked these guys. Even the ones who insulted me, the ones who judged me for living a life that they themselves rejected. Even they seemed complex, with their strange inhibitions, their deep desire to experience love and their clumsy and almost-childlike pursuit of it, their inability to recognize sexual boundaries, both in themselves and others, and — at the same time — their fears of getting swept up in attachments and drama.
There were also the virgins. Or near-virgins. Never married, or married but without fulfilling sex lives. Not to put too fine a point on it: They were very horny. Some of them didn’t quite know what sex was. Some of them were completely unfamiliar with STDs. They seemed disappointed that I wasn’t willing to provide them with the kind of education they sought, but I did not work for a sexual charity, I explained.
I couldn’t blame them, even when they insulted me, hurt my feelings, spoke to me as if I satisfied only a fetish, as if I was a plaything and not fully human. Some of them were ignorant and narrow-minded, and I tried hard to understand their anger, their bitterness, their rebellious impulses, and all their strange references to the Torah or the Talmud.
I too was ignorant. Of their world and their lives — I still am — but I tried hard to learn about them. I had questions, so many questions: How can you sleep with a person you barely know? A person you don’t love? How can you stay locked in an unhappy situation just for the sake of family and community? How can you have children and raise them while living with a spouse you have little affection for? How do you look at your children knowing they are fated to live the same way?
Some of the questions I kept to myself; I didn’t want to add to their misfortune by stating the obvious, but from all the conversations, dozens and dozens of exchanges, I learned a lot.
I declined to meet with most of them. Some were hard to follow, with their bad English and a general inability to express themselves. And I had little interest in going anywhere serious with married guys. When I told them that I wouldn’t meet them, their desperation was palpable, sometimes generating a frenzy of pleading and sweet-talking that was both maddening and heartbreaking.
There were exceptions.
There were some who were surprisingly thoughtful and expressed themselves just fine. I knew that I was still a shiksa to them, exotic and strange, but also unique in that they had few outlets to speak their minds and I was there to lend an eager and attentive ear. I grew very fond of some of them. I accepted our arrangements for what they were, knowing they could disappear without warning, for fear, for the stress imposed by stepping outside their usual boundaries. I could expect nothing, I knew. I took whatever they gave: Fake names, strange stories, lots of laughter and tears and suppressed dreams.
I will never forget how one man described his feeling about Shabbos, how he waited for it each week, and that nothing in the world could make him break it. A billion dollars, he said, and he wouldn’t break it, and I believed him. I got goose bumps all over my body thinking about it. What kind of belief in God created such intense and unbending devotion?
I ended up meeting more of the Hasidic men than I’d intended. We were vampires, always meeting late at night. Over glasses of beer in dark bars all over Brooklyn, I would try to discern the color of their eyes or their hair. It was a payess fashion show, with subtle differences in each, straight and curled, tucked behind their ears or under their yarmulkes.
Some of them wished they could run from their communities, but even if they would, they could never escape who they were, their essential Jewishness. Their roots went deep, clearly. Some of them seemed surprisingly well-bred, in a European way. With my own European roots, these were the men I felt closest to.
I posted the ad several times, hungry for more stories. There was something about their Europeanness, their being descendants of Holocaust survivors, that made me come back for more. There was something sad about them, yet compelling. Bound to their lifestyle and traditions, it was as if they were Hasidic before they were human. And yet, I discovered, beneath the payess and the beards and the mustaches, there were faint glimmers of individuality, elusive but present.
My goal had been to French kiss a hairy man. I did that. But once I got to know these men, it was not their facial hair that drew me in but the mystery behind it. It was those glimmers of individuality, behind the facial hair and the black and white garb, that called me back for more.
44 Responses
Fascinating story. This gives me a new idea of getting the true numbers of deviating Chasidim. Posting a female personal ad on Craigslist. It can potentially serve as a great statistical tool to determine the actual numbers.
“A payess fashion show”!
What guts! I know I’d be afraid to meet with a bunch of horny, hairy chassidim in a dark bar in Brooklyn.
@mordy
I did that very experiment a few months ago. Ethical? No. Hilarious? Somewhat, but with a hint of sadness. Thought-provoking? Definitely. I stopped though, when one of my friends unknowingly messaged me, revealing some pretty wild desires. What interests me here is that both sides (and I’m not referring at all to the writer of this article, I’m speaking in broader terms) often objectify each other as “shiksa” and “hasid.” The desire to eroticize this notion of of the “exotic” (that’s always a loaded word, isn’t it?) other happens on both sides.
All in all though, it certainly, as the writer of this post illustrates so well, humanizes both sides, hopefully more than it initially eroticized the differences.
nice article maybe i should read craig’s list a bit more
Internet has been a revolution in the entire world and especially for the sects.
Craiglist was one of the first website where you can find everything and nothing.
I was really surprised to see so many Hasidim spending time on it, looking for a little more freedom.
They could be happy or not in their couple, family, religion, sexual life… but the human need of freedom often tickles them. Nothing wrong to break the ignorance they have from the outsiders as the outsiders have too.
Usually the posts are very sexual with a predominance for gay sex. You type ‘Hasidic’ in ‘search craiglist’ and you choose ‘personal’ section.
As someone who’s never put myself out there, for the fear perhaps of getting caught, or(*), worse yet, that of someone conducting a anthropological study of sorts- especially with our fragile sensibilities involving intersex boundaries, I
immediately felt a sense of dreadful foreboding as I began reading your piece here.
I commend you for focusing on innocence and charm, finding grace in your whiskered subjects, while I’m sure you could have highlighted the sensationalized caricature of perverted sex crazed beasts.
Thank you so much for writing such an interesting, honest, thought stimulating piece.
Oh, one more thing Emma, shiksa or no -youv’e got class!
(*’course there’s a possibility that I’m blissfully happy in all respects)
I came across this article and I thought it relates to this one:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/features/beardiful-the-singles-dating-site-for-furry-fellows–and-their-fans-8556084.html
It does look like an April Fool’s prank but then again this looks legit:
http://beardiful.com/
cute. sometimes i wish i knew more about what makes people do the things they do.
A book of the email correspondences would be amazing! I think it would be more emotionally compelling than most of the ex-hasidic memoirs that are coming out. I would be happy to connect you with an editor.
Thanks Solomon.
I am working on that, but i am not sure about a publication which means that i have to ask them the permission. I know the answer by advance: ‘no’ because of a sort of paranoia to be recognized.
Behind the screen there are human beings with beaten hearts and i don’t want to betray them.
And it also means that i will have to change things and i can lose a part of the meaning of their words, sentences.
So to lie in a certain way. I can’t.
I post some replies on my blog sometimes.
I don’t criticize the ex Hasidim who decided to write their memoirs. This need to release themselves and relieve belongs to them. My ‘job’ is not to judge them. They have/had pain enough to have taken responsibilities of their choices.
We can talk about that in private message.
Emma,
It’s always interesting to hear an outsiders perspective (to those on the inside). You’ve done a wonderful job articulating that perspective in a deep way. You are for the most part head on.
I was curious about a couple of things though.
You mention that Chasidim lack communication skills “and a general inability to express themselves”. I agree. I too found that Chasidim (both men and women) are generally having a very hard time conveying their feelings and emotions. I’m not sure why that it is. In your case, do you think it’s the language barrier, or is it deeper than that (perhaps the lack of individuality)? Oddly enough, I found that Chasidim become very communicative when facing a combatant situation.
You also mention anger and bitterness. Do you think there is a single root cause contributing to this anger and bitterness?
You mention Williamsburg and a “payess fashion show”. Were you only contacted by Williamsburg Chasidim? How about other “bearded” Jews like Chabad (Crown Heights)? I get the whole “shiksa” concept, the forbidden is always tempting. An affair with a married women is more tempting than with a single women (true across all walks of life). But how about other bearded religion folks in Brooklyn, like the Arabs. Did any Muslim respond to your ad? If yes, then id love to hear about it. If not, then I need to understanding the driving force of the Chasidim.
Yos,
Since this article, many things have changed for me. I am still in the hirsute pursuit with, not a different view, but with a different approach.
To make it short, i don’t feel shiksa anymore, but a sort of a rebel Baal Teshuva.
I kept on meeting Chasidim from different sects so far.
Concerning your first question, i will say both, though some Hasidim told me that they have a hard time to express feelings and emotions in English, but they don’t have it in Yiddish.
There is a lack of individuality, because sometimes it’s better and easier to be a follower than a leader. The community is strong and helpful which means a certain comfort.
Can you give me an example of what you call a combatant situation.
The anger and bitterness encountered was due to their miserable life. They found in our exchanges a fresh breath. When i decided not to go further with some of them, they rejected me as I was evil… Sometimes, they don’t understand why they need to explore the outside world. They have no psychological skills. I became a sort of punching ball.
I have been contacted by different people from different sects, Chabad included.
Muslims and people from different communities replied to my ad probably. I didn’t actually remember, because i focused on Hasidim fast.
You can google my name, you will find my blog (meshiksa…), and what happened to my life since February 28, 2013.
Very interesting! You seem to have a pretty deep level of understanding. I admire your ability to establish that beneath-the-surface connection, especially with those who hide within their own shadow.
Yes true, they have no psychological skills, nor communication skills. But why? its something that always irked me. It seems like most secular people have this daily-life skill naturally. It isnt education, or lack thereby. I guess it might be because they never allow themselves to get in touch with their own self. Its probably partly because they are generally taught to not see themselves as an individual but part of something larger (klal yisroal). When every tiny detail of your life is planned out for you, you really have no reason or need to get touch with yourself. On that same note, shouldn’t this also be the case with other religions (or non chasidish jews)? Is it?
As far as the combatant situation. I found that if they are approached with “lets sit down and talk”, they shut down and have nothing to say. But, if you become argumentative and belligerent, they respond well and likewise. Maybe its not a rule of thumb, but thats my personal experience. Its not the anger and bitterness aspect, thats a whole different story.
I would still love to know about other religions chasing the opposite gender. There’s something missing here but i cant quite put my finger on it… Here displaying and illustrating my chasidish inability to express
Thanks for your response Emma! I’ll check out your blog.
You know, this reminds me of a Robin Williams quote.
“I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” Hence those who seek you.
Tragic but true. It really shouldn’t be this way!
I have a long work and path to understand them. Life is a long road.
The ‘aim’ to meet outsiders is not to talk about their life. They avoid questions about their life with Jewish skills. Like an old saying, a Jew replies to your question by another question, because he thinks of the answer of your first question.
They come to me, because they want to see how i live, what kind of music i listen to…
I talked with Pupa ladies in their shul in Williamsburg. They told me right away: “We have a rabbi, and we follow him.” I don’t know their level of introspection. I felt that some are in deep pain, and felt alone, despite being deep believers. Some lost their faith in a better life, but they remain religious.
I learned from them, because i am an observer, and because i am reading books, blogs, etc… From them, i learned from their silence. I might be misinformed sometimes with my own interpretation of their silence.
I understood one thing (same from my world): the less you question, the more answers you can have.
As a French, i observed the Muslim community. I had one Muslim French boyfriend a long time ago. I can’t talk about the American Muslim community which is different from the French one. I had chat with some Muslim men here, but not a deep connection.
What about your personal experience? Which side are you from?
The other people who replied to me wanted to French kiss me directly. Many were gross. But i didn’t remember something in accordance with religion. Their introduction was straightforward as human beings, not as Muslim, Christian…
Don’t forget that i am a woman, not a man, so the approach is totally different.
We are all solivagant with ourselves!
Better to be alone than with bad company!
I agree with that for myself!
Interesting, i’ve gotta process and analyze this. ill follow up on this.
I think the answering the question with a question generally comes from the Talmuds logic and methodology. Some of it though comes from simply not knowing the answer (i think), since they dont get in touch themselves.
Which side i am from? Which side do you think i am from? There you ago, answered you with questions. I am chasdish of course and qualify :). Raised and living in hipster town.
I too am curious about other peoples cultures. I sometimes stare at those Muslims and wonder. I wonder what’s beneath that long Kurta (if thats the right word) or beneath that overhead burka. What do they really feel, think, wish, crave, want, desire? its so mysterious. And to be able peal off some of those mysterious layers is a thrill and rewarding
Why don’t you make an attempt to talk to them? Through Craiglist, if you want to remain anonymous?
Life is short, don’t miss opportunity!
We have all the same issues that we resolve differently according to our up-bringing, family, education…
You can try to read the Quran too.
Thanks for the clarification of the question with a question.
Well, you have a huge advantage which I don’t have. You have the “female” part of the equation, I don’t. You were able to surface their inner desires (or lust, if you will) over their external identity. You were able to utilize that natural component, to get you to where you wanted to go. You knew that those Willy dudes didn’t come out of their caves for you to get to know them. They came to you for that french kiss (and probably hoped for more).
I would be afraid to get in touch with a burka wearing women. I wouldn’t risk becoming a statistic of an “honor killing”
I have one more question, and this is important, so if you can, please elaborate and give me everything you’ve got on this.
You mentioned in your initial article, that some of those who reached out to you, were otherwise happily married. What exactly does that mean (in their view)? Does it mean they are able to emotionally and intellectually connect with their spouse on deep levels? Does it mean they find their spouse physically/sexually attractive, and gravitate towards them on all sexual levels? Does it mean they have common interests and goals? Does it means they share the same ideologies? Or does it perhaps mean that they are able to pull it off without daily shouting matches?
The main reason why the ones who said that they were happily married, is they live with a spouse that they love. But, there is a but. Most of the time, the reason why they were on Craiglist is to satisfy a desire of a little more freedom, or to experiment sex in a different way that they do with their wife. Some women were not sexual enough, or refuse to do certain things.
They never actually elaborated the reasons of their happiness. I imagine that they are on the same page for many points with their wife.
The only Hasidic, happily married, who never asked for a French kiss is still my friend, confident and consultant. He comes from a strict sect, but his family is open-minded. He found the perfect match.
I never met him, because he doesn’t want to be tempted. I respect his choice. He called me for the first time this summer, after nearly three years of exchanging emails.
Our emails of the beginning were about the religion, how his wife dresses up, my life story, sex…
He never complained about his sexual life.
I asked them questions about how they express their emotions and feelings. Many of them said yes. When i asked for examples, that was not feelings or emotions.
Or i met some emotional, but they were emotional towards their relationship to Hashem, not to outsiders.
I don’t really know what it’s to be happy in the Hasidic world. I imagine that they have the same issues than any outsider couples, with the weight and the pressure of the community.
I don’t forget either that amongst all the things they told me, there are many lies.
One last example, a man replied to all the ads i posted. First time, he said that he was happily married. His wife has his login and password and can read all his emails. He only wants friendship.
Later, he asked me for a discreet relationship with a woman.
I had a hard time to make a profile of each one.
I stopped posting on Craiglist, and i am going to the stores in Williamsburg and other neighborhoods. I talk to them directly.
I met one man, a salesman, who told me his story. Happily married since 24 years. I should go back to his store, and will ask him your questions.
Hi,
I actually meant to reply earlier today, but I faced the WordPress white page of death. Not sure if it was an issue with the site or my end. Its loading now.
I don’t was to pass judgment or sound judgmental. But, if someone is indeed “happily married”, yet still browses craiglists ads, they are indescribably selfish and just flat-out awful. Im not justifying infidelity in one way or the another, but if one has what they need, yet still cant remain faithful, it speaks volumes about who they are as a person. On their defense however, its perhaps possible that their own accepted version of “happily married” isn’t true to its full definition, thus subconsciously seeking something else. However, if one is on the craigslist erotic section simply because his wife isn’t into anal or kinky stuff, its in no way justifiable. I dont care what the persons believe/life style is.
Can you possibly have your Chusid buddy jump in here and explain it, I’m obviously missing something. I’d love to hear his point of view. I can imagine some insisting on simply wishing to explore and learn. Okay. But, ask yourself this (and lets be objectively honest): Would they contact you if you were male?
I just wanna correct you on something you said. You said “He comes from a strict sect, but his family is open-minded”. Well, strict sect isn’t necessarily contrary to being open-minded. I find it that most folks have a general misconception of what an “open-minded” person is. An open-minded persons mind is open to accept ANY other ideology/mindset regardless of whether they agree on a personal level. If a chasidish rebels mind (in the closet or exposed rebel) isn’t open to the chasdish lifestyle or mindset, they are very closed-minded. The open-minded person accepts and respects everyone, regardless of their own personal lifestyle. Everyone is free to choose their own path and destiny, but be open to the world around you. Likewise, you said: “I don’t really know what it’s to be happy in the Hasidic world”. This is a loaded topic, but just to quickly tie it into being open-minded. Ask yourself this: There are 7.5 billion people on planet earth, among them, there exists thousands (if not millions) of different believes, cults, sects, religions, non-believers etc. Who is right and who is wrong? Everyone is SO convinced they are right. Maybe everyone is wrong, or maybe everyone is right? Why does one choose one over the other? The bottom line, it all comes down to one basic concept. Family! Family is the first and foremost basic need for survival for all living specifies, and humans are no different. That’s what the Chasidic world, or Christian world, or Muslim word, or Hindu world, or atheist word provides. Its survival my friend! So lets not be closed-minded to other peoples lifestyles.
I would have loved to broaden on this a little, but like I said, it’s a loaded and convoluted topic, i don’t want to go off topic here (maybne ill PM you). Real quick though, what is happiness? Is it circumstantial or a mere decision? Psychologically, isn’t happiness a result of having a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging?
Im very curious about what that 24-year-old salesperson has to say. I appreciate it!
WordPress messed up today!
I sent an email to my Chasid buddy, and let’s see if he is not too shy to talk with us.
He comes from a strict sect like Satmar, Bobov, or Pupa.
As he said, he was able to talk about different subjects with his parents, and with his mother, he talked about sex.
I noticed a real lack of sexual education in your community.
He is curious about culture and as European, i see things differently. Thus, we argued sometimes. Once i explained, he understood my points of view. He likes his life, his devotion to Hashem…
To accept the different cultures, you need to know them.
Ignorance leads to misunderstandings, wars, and fights…
I recently read an article, written by an Arab about the young Muslims who are going to fight in Syria in the name of Allah. Guess what they order the most on Amazon? “Islam for Dummies”. That’s pretty interesting to go and fight for something whose they ignore the definition and the meaning.
Internet changes things, but not everyone has the access to it.
When i mentioned that i don’t know what is happiness in the Hasidic world, that means that i never have the access to their home, and to spend time following them in their daily grind. I tried, but as you know, i am a female in touch with men. Is there a Hasidic recipe to be happy, or the definition of happiness is different from a person to another one because we are human beings? To be happy does it mean that we don’t suffer? The price of happiness should it be painful sometimes? Is it only family? I don’t know.
I agree with you that to have a purpose and a meaning makes you happier. But i don’t know if it’s enough. I read the book of rabbi Jonathan Sacks which helped me to understand many things,and it put words on my Jewish feelings, and faith…
They contacted me because they never saw an ad like that. Then, you might be right because i am a female. The Hasidim were intrigued by my curiosity of their world. They think that outsiders don’t like them.
Their definition of adultery was very weird: to sleep with a goyte is not a sin. That’s not cheating on.
One Satmerer told me that he checked many times in the Torah. He never found that cheating on his wife with a goy was a sin. I was ignorant of the subject. I asked a rabbi finally.
emma according to the letter of the jewish law jews are actually allowed to have more than 1 wife .. the prohibition was added later about 1000 years ago when many jews started living in christian dominated europe and polygamy was prohibited according to the church
I hear you, and adultery was prohibited in the ten commandments, but only it was only for women before becoming for both sexes.
Islam kept polygamy, for men indeed!
What about polygamy for women in one of all these religions?
Macho religion!
But, if my memory is good, we are in 2014.
And for this Satmerer, adultery with a Jew was a sin, but with a goyte, it was not!
No bad feelings!
Emma,
The “Chasidish World” encompasses a variety of aspect. There’s the “community”, there’s the Jewish religion, there’s Gd, there’s the philosophy of Chasidis, there’s the culture, language, mindset, dress code etc. When you talk about the “Chasidish World”, you really need to break it down and address each aspect individually. I would start with the most fundamental, which is religion, and not only the jewish religion, but religion in general and its affection on humans. And before religion, there’s Gd (Hasham). All these are loaded topics of their own, each produces different results and each is an entirely different discussion.
Not to go off topic, but speaking of Hasham, I just wanted to point something out. I believe, no wait, more than believe, I’m convinced beyond a doubt, that all those who escaped religion (chasidish or not) and declared him/her self as an atheist, is totally intellectually dishonest with themselves. I’m not talking about those OTD (off the derech) guys/gals who declare themselves atheists overnight simply because it fits their lifestyle (can anyone say “dumb”). I’m talking about even those with brains who actually bothered to study the topic and understand the scientific facts (and more than just reading a single agenda-driven article). Deep down, they do not believe in what they claim to not believe. Meaning, they do believe. Its just a method to rid themselves of guilt. I actually wanted to blog about it a while back (titled: Atheists prove Gd) but didn’t get to it. The Atheist movement is just another “believe” system, and a closed-minded cult if I may add. Did you read about the mocking from the atheist community against this Ebola-Stricken doc simply because he mentioned the word “Gd”?
If there ever was/is an argument against religion (and its disadvantage), it is beautifully illustrated by the dude who looked up the haluchadiga (jewish law) ramifications of infidelity with a “goy” and Jks comment. The argument is that religion causes people to become deeply immoral. They choose to not do wrong things, not because its “wrong”, but because their religion prohibits it. If their religion allows it, they will do it even its evil and wrong, even it might hurt someone in indescribable ways. If one is “happily married”, and is still on craiglist looking for an affair because their religion allows it, they are horrible people!!. Though I’m still trying to understand what “happily married” means, I hope your buddy will jump in.
Very interesting about the muslims buying the “islam for dummies”. I’ve actually been researching in trying to understand the philosophical reason behind all those pple Joining ISIS, I couldn’t find anything concrete. There has to be one common denominator that drives them to join in such large numbers.
I will reply to you tomorrow.
This is the link of the article about Islam For Dummies.
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/119182/jihadists-buy-islam-dummies-amazon
dunno emma about cheating with a goyte or not i never had the oppurtunity “wink”however anyone can come up with chumros and meikilim whatever suits their needs or wants at the moment .. i have a theory about people suddenly joining isis .. some people have empty lives and need to feel some sort of accomplishment and need to feel needed or wanted or the need for spirituality so they join the flavor of the day which is isis .. 60 years ago it was communism .. tommorow it will be something else
JK,
its totally unrelated to communism (in my opinion anyways). Communism was a feel-good wonderful concept (on paper). It was all about equality, taking care of the little guy blah blah. Now it of course created a unincentivized society and inevitable corruption by those on the top, nevertheless, the initial intend was with good intentions.
These isis folks and those joining, are ANGRY, looking for blood. Why the hell are they so angry and what fuels them? If indeed its because they are empty looking for meaning, then its our western culture that actually created and fuels this radicalism. How ironic. And the anger/violence would come from Hollywood and video games.
Yos,
I didn’t read the mocking you mention, i will google it.
Concerning the atheists, as an ex atheist/agnostic, i always believed that things happen for a reason.
The Great Partnership by Jonathan Sacks made me understand that there is faith and religious faith.
You can be religious, and have a religious faith, but you can lose your faith too. I mean faith in life, i.e. to take risks…
I have the first one, and i found out who was Hashem. Thus, i believe in Him now.
I met a Satmerer who was very religious, thus he has a religious faith, but he had no faith in his life: that was the will of Hashem, period. He didn’t fight to change his life. The only risks that he took were to chat up shikse, and to enjoy outsider entertainments.
I won’t generalize for the other atheists. When you are an atheist, you don’t think of Hashem everyday. You focus more on your daily grind, and your issues concerning your life, job, and love.
I agree with you that to be atheist or agnostic is another religion, because everyone needs to believe in something or someone. There is not holy books for atheism or agnosticism.
The OTDs that i have met remain tied to their Jewishness, more culturally than religiously. You can say religious because it’s a religious culture.
Jonathan Sacks says: “I do not believe that you need to be religious to be moral.”
My buddy won’t jump with us. But he didn’t look for an affair with me. He is an exception.
I think that some who declared to me to be happily married lied. They knew that they won’t live the community. They don’t want to get into trouble with the shikse. To be married, and happy, means: ‘Don’t get attached to me! I will never change my life, because of the children, and the pressure of the family.’ To pretend to be happily married is a protection.
I remember a conversation with a man who claimed that he loves his wife and he was happy with her. He has many children. He was having an affair with a woman who was not into religion. She didn’t feel attached to him because she knew that she can’t have expectations. But, that was not enough for him. He was looking for a second affair and to live both of them in the same time. I was upset, and i asked him why to have an affair with a non annoying mistress is not enough, when he claimed that he was happily married.
The truth came up: “You can’t understand what i live (with his wife).” That’s true! He never elaborated because i didn’t want to talk to him anymore.
You said that family is happiness.
Could you reply to the questions you asked please?
I don’t know if you want to elaborate about your personal life. If not, you can PM me.
And i want to know if you have had an arranged marriage…
Concerning terrorism, and all these young men fighting for their death and not for the glory, i agree with what jktz122 says. The lack of education, the ignorance of who is your neighbor make these people very vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
I believe in education, creativity and sense of humor.
I recommend you the documentary “Dancing in Jaffa”. Everything starts at school. It’s on Netflix.
Many of these young terrorists missed school. They don’t even know what an Arab, Muslim, or a Jew is.
The ones who have education, manipulate them.
If they have more education and knowledge of the Quran, they will see that this holy book doesn’t ask the death of Christians, and Jews.
Shabbos shalom!
Emma,
Thanks for the info. Ill probably respond next week. ive gotta give this the proper thought it deserves, im a bit racing against the clock…
I agree that ignorance is the cause of all wars and hate, but education isnt always the answer. Ideology takes you far and is very difficult to counter.
In the meantime, speaking of marriage, I just remembered, i’ve actually blogged about a while back. Check it out
http://theuntolddenials.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-untold-challenges-of-marriage.html
I browsed your blog and actually found a pic of a very close family member of mine (which i assume you captured). Small world
Thanks Yos, I enjoy when someone he.she recognize in my pics!
That’s a good Shabbos gift!
I will read your blog!
Have a good Shabbos Yos!
Hi Emma,
When reading your article, one would infer that the Chasidim are sex-crazed, dirty-minded angry and miserable people. No, that wasn’t your intent, but that’s the picture being painted. So first of all, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The Chasidim are by far not unique as far as sexual aggression, nor are they worse than any other group people. I don’t care if its a Chusid in Willy, a hipster in SoHo or a farmer in China. The world revolves around sex (and money I might add). The philosophy behind it (sex) is a topic on its own, but this is true across all walks of life. In fact, its true across all the living. In addition, sex is the number one cause of human created destruction. It has and will continue to destroy the most powerful and most successful people. All of this has nothing to do specifically with Chasidim.
Having said that. The fact is, there is a certain aspect about the chasidim, that puts them in bad light, and I’ve worked out a theory to explain it.
First of all, there’s the image. There’s this disturbing image envisioning this big hairy, Cholent stomach Chusid, in a G&G shiny vest with his big beard, going down a women. Logical or not, there’s just something disturbing about that image, but that’s really just a side point. Here is my main theory:
1. The chasidim (same is actually true is with yeshivish, litvish people) are trained since his early years not to look at women because it stirs up bad thoughts. He may spend his entire adolescent life not looking at women. That essentially and inevitably creates the “women = sex” factor. If a chusid were to strike up a conversation with an attractive women on the streets of willy, and then explain to his buddies that he was merely looking to get to know her, they will not believe him. “Yeah right, you mean you wanted to get to know IT”. Reason is because “women equals sex”, they can never believe you wanting to get to know someone just for sack of getting to know.
2. The chasdim are uneducated. This by and of itself, is not a problem, nor does it prevent happiness, ill address this separately. Just sticking to the main point for now
3. Chasidim lack communication skills (which is believe is due to their lack individuality).
Now. We have this young Mr Chusid yeshiva boy, he gets married B’shoe Tova, and manages to find open access internet. He is in front of a temping browser, now what? No he isn’t going to bring up Wikipedia and read up on DNA strands and chromosomes, he doesn’t even know those words exists. So what does he do? Well, he pretty much dives into his unconscious natural animalistic instinct. He knows a few terms “sex, xxx, porn” and off he goes indulging into his porn. Its not long and he is addicted to his porn. And yes, porn is an awful addiction, no different than alcohol, gambling and prescription drugs (proven scientifically). This addiction creates three issues: 1)It further strengthens his mindset that “women equals sex” 2)In puts his mind in a fantasy mode 3)It stops him from leading a productive life. He then starts looking for ways to materialize his fantasies, but this is where he starts hitting obstacles. To start, his wife is constantly on his back “Moshe, when are you coming home, I need your help with the kids” getting in the way of his porn. Secondly, he finds that’s most women find his Chasidish/bearded appearance a bit unappealing. He would love to get rid of that damn beard, but he can’t while in the community. He starts feeling angry and miserable at his life, at his wife and at the community. This anger continues to grow along with his addiction. And then, lovely Emma places an ad looking for hairy guys, and those man come running like ants to sugar while in fantasy mode with absolutely no communication skills.
When Emma makes contact with those guys, she pretty much finds what I’ve just described. Does it accurately represent the Chasidish world? Nope, not in the least of ways. Emma, yes you find angry, miserable, sex hungry/fantasy driven confused dudes. But, it isn’t because they are IN the Chasidish world, its because they are NOT in the Chasidish world.
The only part I don’t get is this whole “happily married” concept. What the hell do these dues refer to as “happily married”. To start, physical attraction must exist (in the eye of the beholder) in order to form and create a happy marriage. Yet, when these guys are on craigslist looking for a mistress, they are in no way looking to enrich their understanding of different cultures, they are just looking for sex. My question is “WHY”? If you’re happily married, then you most find your spouse sexually attractive. If so, then cherish what you have. Go home and embrace her, indulge in your sexuality WITH her to bond amazing emotions. GdDamnit, why the hell on you on craigslist??? Again, I don’t want to be judgmental, but its just horrible. Instead of all this insanity, take your wife and built something together! Start a hobby together, biking, photography, hiking. For the love of Gd, grab your SLR, enjoy a foliage day in the park, then go home and indulge with your wife who you find sexually attractive.
I’d love to hear from you guys. Seriously. if any of you out there is seeing this, please respond and enlighten me. If you wish, you can email me privately @ iamyos@outlook.com. Again, I would love to hear from you guys to better understand your prospective.
I also need to respond to you about the “happiness” discussion, hope ill get to it another day.
Yos,
This article is my story with them, and those who are on Craiglist.
I traded around 10,000 emails with them. But it’s a tiny minority of this community.
The majority of those are miserable. You have miserable Hasidim who don’t use Craiglist, that’s probably another tiny minority.
Sex and money, and you have to add power!
When i posted this ad, it was a joke. The first Hasidim who asked me for the French kiss and were married, i sent them back to kiss their wife.
My buddy was the only exception.
I was new on Craiglist, and didn’t think that it was so focused on sex from any race, etc…
A man remain a man, and as we say vulgarly and to make a shortcut, he can have a dick instead of his brain.
During wars, for example, men are inclined to rape women, but women soldiers won’t do that.
But that’s another subject.
I don’t bring under attack all the Hasidic community. I heard their voices, and their lack of sexual education.
They were gross and straightforward. Despite all the things they badly did to me, i can’t stop loving them.
1. I have questions, and you can help me: when you are a child and you share your apartment with your sisters, are you allowed to play with them? Are you separated from them? If not, is there a curiosity like looking through the lock of the door of the bathroom to see how naked she looks like? Did you ask questions? How is your relationship with your sister when you are an adult? Do you hug her, kiss her on her cheeks, or is it totally forbidden?
My other questions:
I was at the shul, 770, last Friday night for Shabbos. There were lots of young girls, and teenagers. I am intrigued by their daily subjects of conversations. I tried to listen to some of them when i was outside. Two little girl were talking about a little boy: ‘He is cute. He is very cute.’ I don’t know who was the little boy.
What kind of subjects do you talk about with your friends? Hashem, Torah, family… Do you talk about your issues with your wife? Do you talk about sex with her and your buddies? Do you talk about your questions about outsiders?
What do your friends think of outsiders and outsiders curious of your way of life?
Some of them like their way of life. I don’t know exactly the reasons.
Some like Judaism but complain about the strict rules of Hasidic life: clothes, beard… as you mentioned it.
Now, what about the Torah who asks you for not shaving, but didn’t ask for peyos. The Torah asks for tzniut, but it doesn’t mean thick stockings…
You can tell me that they are details of your life but some are very uncomfortable with that… Why only black and white? Chabad is different for some of them.
Concerning the arranged marriages, that was the main problem i met with them.
The Torah talks about love. The Torah doesn’t ask for being married with someone you have no affinities with.
My buddy told me when we started to talk, that it was only his point of view.
It’s very difficult to make an estimation or to give a percentage of people who are happy in this kind of situation.
As i told you, it’s not easy to talk about what they live daily. They have a hard time to express it naturally.
The concept ‘happily married’ has a different definition from one person to another one.
You are attracted to your wife, you love her, you have common desires, but she doesn’t like sex, or to do something sexual… The lack of communication in the couple, or there is a sort of communication which scares the wife. The man talks crudely and awkwardly. The wife is scared.
The Torah, once again, allows and encourages masturbation, and the knowledge and exploration of your own body. Why it is not encouraged?
Is it the misinterpretation of the holy text which leads to this excess of testosterone? I don’t know.
They enjoyed talking with Emma, because they think that the grass is greener with her. But the main problems that i met were sexual and emotional. I don’t want to elaborate here.
Once i was into the subject, they ran away.
Does happiness mean to be resigned? To follow the crowd? You talked about individuality indeed!
How can they handle their emotions?
Perhaps a confusion between worship and love?
I don’t have all the answers, and each time i talked with one of them, i had some answers but they were not full. The ‘study’ of your community, from my side, is a very long path. I actually think that you need to live like them to understand them.
I am in immersion, but i still have my outsider point of view.
yos .. you sound like a pshyciatrist emma in our community there is bery little talk of those subjects and also affection isnt something that is openly practiced besides lack of communication skills .. or it might be because of it affection is also lacking ..
Emma,
I will try to address all of your questions to the best of my ability, when I have chance. If you can, please PM me all the questions. I’m purposely keeping our discussion in a public forum because I want other people to join in (specifically input from guys), but it doesn’t look like theres much of an audience here (or not much interest). I’m still however keeping it here, and in particular the topic of “happiness” which I want to address.
I just need to quickly correct you on a few quick points.
Shaving a beard is in fact permitted (just not with a razor). In fact, the torah specifically allows shaving (see Yorah Deah 181). The torah most definitely DID ask for Peyos (there just isn’t a requirement on the specific length).
The torah does not allow and most certainly doesn’t encourage masturbation. The Talmud considers masturbation to be an extremely bad and evil behavior offering some pretty harsh words against the act of masturbation. For sources, see Niddah 13b, Yevamos 34b, Rambam Issurei Biah 21:18, Shulchan Uruch Even Ezer 23:1.
You said “They were gross and straightforward”. That was precisely my point, now you understand the psychology behind it. I think I saw on your blog about one guy asking you about your fascination with hair “does it make you wet”. Again, this totally illustrates their mindset being tangled in porn fantasy land and the concept of “women equals sex”. The whole male masculine concept and its representation did not even occur to him.
Hi Yos,
I remember a married man that i met, claiming he was happily married.
His wife was pregnant.
He is Chabad. His wife and him have a job they chose.
Intellectually, they were on the same page. Emotionally, i too guess.
He is in his early 30s.
I wore my helmet of anthropologist and tried to understand why he was on Craiglist if everything was fine in the best world.
He chatted me up online, and one day, he sent me a photo of the family jewels.
I was disgusting, he apologized.
So, yes, why?
He blamed me not to have sex more often. Because, he has sex with his wife, but not like he wanted it.
She was not very sexual. To be pregnant can make you more sexual or not.
His sexual relationship with his wife was worse with the pregnancy.
I didn’t argue about the question: is it better not to have sex than to have bad sex?
I felt him very frustrated, and locked in a situation only based on his lack of sex.
He tried many stratagems to meet me. I was having a final, he wanted to help me. I have furniture to build up, same story… I refused that he comes to my place.
I met him in Prospect Park, at night.
He was reluctant to meet me for nothing
Honestly, i was a little scared.
We talked 15 minutes.
I asked him why he was doing that. He loves his wife, what is his point?
He replied that he liked the game of chasing someone else.
His adrenaline was high for this kind of game.
Then, we exchanged a few emails. He wanted to French kiss me. I said no, once again.
He disappeared for ever. The game was over for him.
I sent your questions to another man, in his late 50.
His wife is sick and he can’t have sex with her anymore. I mean penetration.
Thus, if he doesn’t lie, why does he want to sleep with me?
This is a part of his reply: “Yes absolutely. She is a good person good mother and grandmother. If I would have to do it again knowing what unfolded I still would because my children are really the best and at the end of the day marriage is about procreation and leaving a legacy. There are many twists and turns in life which are out of control.
Marriage has more meaning than sex as you age. Admittedly I am horny and if polygamy would be an option I would engage another woman. Or really a concubine for the badly needed pipe cleaning and sexual interaction otherwise everything is ok in my marriage. Feel free to ask me anything.
…All of the above (your questions) and with different weights attached to each at different times as0wee age together. She is also beautiful and she is an excellent cook. At this time in my life I view her sexual celibacy a function of either physical, psychological or both. In either case if a spouse is ill do you just dump them and kick them to the curb cause it cramps your agenda or style? That would make me very narcissistic. That said, I still have needs but have not acted on those needs in a proactive fashion.
…There are stupid annoying things that she does as I have my issues as well. But these are not new or have evolved they existed from the beginning. But two people are not the same and diverse silly habits does not trump the important things. That is why the divorce rate is so high in our society cause no one is willing to give their spouse the slack to be different although annoying. The important things are what count.”
Thus, i become a sextoy for this man!
That’s the same man who asked me for my fascination for hair.
I will send you a PM soon.
Hi Emma,
So neither of the two cases are “Chusid World” cases. They are cases of everyday life and human behavior. Both are unfortunate in their own way. First of all, about the 50 year old. Frankly, neither of us are in a position to judge this man. I can sigh, but I’m most certainly not in a position to judge. I wish his wife a speedy recovery. Is he wrong for having (or wanting to have) in mistress? Seemingly yes (from a both a religious, righteousness and psychological perspective). Though, I must say. Logic seems to suggest that this man may have been on craigslist (or the likes) prior to all this.
No one has all the answers to life. I do however wish to make a quick point, and its actually the point Im establishing in that blog I’ve written.
First off, being that the wife of this 50-year-old did indeed satisfy his sexual needs for some 20/30 years (and sounds like much more, i.e. a great cook), it sorta puts him in bad light. But let me back up a second. There is a huge misconception about marriages in general, and it especially plays a role in arranged marriages. Most cant/wont mention it because it isn’t politically correct. The fact is, marriage is based on absolutely pure selfishness. One can argue until they’re blue in their face, and it still wont change anything. It’s a fact of life, like to the sun rising from the east. It happens to be so, that it’s a give and take process, so it all works out. But, if for whatever reason, there’s an issue with the give/take process (which my blog and describing in details), the marriage falls apart. Does this mean that couples don’t evolve into true emotions, no it doesn’t. It just means that they need a very strong selfish framework and foundation upon which to build love and emotions
Marriage is most definitely more than sex, but a (successful) marriage cannot exist without sex. Sex isn’t the only component of a marriage, but it’s certainly a core important one. The wing of a plane isn’t the only component of that plane, but it’s a core important one. Again, we don’t live with that other person because were just good-loving people, and focus at the more important things in life (even that’s is what we want to believe). We live with that other person because we need and get our selfish needs fulfilled (true for both genders). Its only after we have our selfish needs fulfilled, that we can successfully look at the “more important things in life”. It seems Ironic and strange, but true. It’s an undeniable fact of life that’s never going to change unless one can come up with life V2. Yeah I know, its sounds awful and unappealing, but that’s precisely who we humans are. This is pretty much the dilemma the 50 year old faces, but he cant air those thoughts, not even to himself, no one is going to validate it (even they/we are all guilty of the same crime).
The Chabad guys story seems just awful. And again, its not like this isn’t happening every day across all walks of life, but its still horrible. You said (in reference to the Chabad guy): “I felt him very frustrated, and locked in a situation only based on his lack of sex”. What you are essentially saying here is that his otherwise perfect life (including him having a sexually attractive wife) just wasn’t good enough for him only because his sex wasn’t exactly perfect. You’re implying a foul behavior. True, I agree. However, the issue isn’t black and white. Sometimes “a situation only based on his lack of sex” can be a serious situation, particularly (or only) in arranged marriages. Generally, couples outside the chasidish world, date and then make a conscious decision to marry “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”. It’s a bit tough for those folks to build case of – for example – lack of physical attraction. They liked what they saw when they decided together to marry. In arranged marriages within the Chasidish World, a guy (or gal) marries a complete stranger within 40/60 minutes. After two months into the marriage, the husband or wife may discovers that he/she is (to them) not physically attractive. They may also discover that in addition to lack of physical attraction, they also cant connect on other levels. As the years proceed, s/he squirms at the thought of having to sleep with him/her. Now what? Divorce? First of all, when those come onto craigslist (or other social networking), it’s a completely different story than the dude who believes his wife is indeed physically attractive. I’m not justifying one way or another, but its a completely different situation. Apples and oranges. Secondly, this person is told “well, you have a wife, its your wife, go cherish her, get off craigslist you perv”. Yeah true. But, and this is the big but, its also true that he was never in position to decide whether he finds her sexually attractive before he was forced to decide to marry her. Now s/he is told (by those who don’t have those issues) that marriage is more than just sex, and s/he now feels like this dirty sex crazed pervert. All the while, they may (and most probably do) have a valid case.
Does this mean the “Chasidish World” and its system is bound for failure? No! To start, the most important (and usually the most difficult part to match when marrying), is to have common goals in life. This already exists (automatically) when the chassidim marry, a huge advantage. Secondly, many of the folks you met, claim that they do find their wife physically attractive, so they have that too. They just need to take those tools and start building something together. They can create something SO beautiful, what a shame that they go hunting for a mistress. If a spouse isn’t satisfied due to one spouses under-performance (i.e. she doesn’t like sex), then go see a sex therapist or psychotherapist.
Yes im still going to address the “happiness“ and claim about Chasidim being angry and miserable
Yos,
To make it short: the Chabad man chose his wife. He got married late because he wanted to have this choice.
He likes chasing, and if I said yes for sleeping with him, he was able to cheat on her.
He said that he talked with her. I don’t know how he did it. But he was gross to send his picture.
I am against arranged marriage. I am not against the service of a shiduch.
I understood some of these men who gave a try to enjoy the company of a stranger in their bed, and gave up finally.
You can’t force love.
I come back to you later, and will copy the end of the conversation with the 50s.
Ive gotta start proofreading comments, or only post where im offered an infinite Edit button
I asked the 50s, who i am if i sleep with him. Am I a sextoy?
His reply: “No. It means that you and I have something together that is unique and between us only. Because there is no way I would divorce I view that as a concubine. Also I don’t know if I would go the full penetration route. There are ways to mutually pleasure the other party as this is a symbiotic type of relationship. To be with you to hug cuddle and kiss and see if it goes to the next level of being together nude in a bed touching massaging fondling one another without the penetration. I don’t take such activity or you and your feelings lightly. This can only be done if we there is a mutual understanding that there are limits that must be in place.”
My question to you, Yos, is: why does he offer me the same sexual recipe than he is making with his wife?
From some frum, i heard that penetration is a big sin, according to the Torah. Let me know!
for emma the word “happiness” means different things to different people .. what is the definition of happiness… like asking bill clinton the definition of sex.. everyone has their own story what makes them happily married or not .. the term concubine not exactly sure what the term means anymore from what i know (maybe its my lack of knowledge)concubines havent been used in judaism since almost forever not officially anyways
contact me privately to hear mine
Hi jktz122
We don’t have your email address, thus you can PM Yos and I. Our email adresses are on this thread.
Thanks!
its jktz122@gmail.com
Emma,
I hate judging people without knowing all the facts, and even then, there’s always more than meet the eye. However, based on what you’re describing, this Chabad guy just seems to be off his rocker, especially the part of him emailing his private parts. It just seems like he needs help. I’m not making any conclusion about this stranger for a fact, but it just seems this way.
Concerning the 50-year-old. Again, I’m not familiar with the situation and don’t know many of the facts. Though you are asking a very valid question. It would be tough for me to answer based on pure speculation, but I could think of a few possibilities.
1. He may be using the “no penetration” as a method to just sweet talk you, but has other plans, and is hoping to get you worked up (while together) for you to want penetration.
2. He doesn’t want to place himself in a situation with his wife in which his urge for penetration reaches the climax (with all the touching), and then having to deny himself.
3. He wife doesn’t want any touching to avoid the risk of penetration.
4. He fabricated the story (some or all).
There’s a lot missing here which I don’t know. Like from his spouses perspective, what does she think about her husband now potentially being sexless for the rest of life (though its not her fault)? Will she judge him? How long is he in this situation? Can he really never have sex with his wife anymore? Its hard to believe that him being online looking for a mistress is all new to him. Its hard to believe that that he never engaged in any of this before.
As per halucha (jewish law), sperm in vein may not (is not) any less an issue than penetrating. Is also depends on who is being penetrated. Sperm in vein is always a huge issue with the jewish law.
Yes you will be his sextoy. To quote the man himself: “Or really a concubine for the badly needed pipe cleaning and sexual interaction”. In other words, a sextoy.
Just curious, do these pple (all of those who contacted you) have an image of you, or do they create your image within their own imagination (which magnifies the fantasy)?
Anyways, I’m gonna need more data on the topic of happily married among Cahsidm. I’m afraid that people just generalize the term, using their own version without understanding what it might/should really be. Hence a need to educate couples.
Btw, a quick side note. You had mentioned about man raping in wars. I just thought of something. The people joining ISIS are obviously not in a very healthy state of mind, and so they actually may join to join the raping’s taking place. In other words, that’s the answer, they are driven by sex. Talk about a force of evil!
Alright, moving along… Happiness. I won’t attempt to build a case on a de-facto true happiness, I just wanted to respond to the notion that Chasidim are angry and miserable.
The usual points when describing misery among Chasidim, are things like lack of choice, repression, individual scrutiny. Yes, some of those can at times be contributing factors in the world of unpleasantness, but those are in no way a recipe for complete and utter misery. I could personally attest to this fact.
JK said that happiness is multi-defined or relative. Yes true, in the view of those individual. But, we can all agree on what is not happiness. Happiness is not money, fame, power, sex or the likes. No amount of money can buy someone true happiness. Yes, some of the above mentioned items may force your brain to release some of that feel-good chemical, but it’s very temporary and artificial. So what is happiness ?
Here is an interesting fact. Happiness is THE most sought-after component of life. In fact, just about EVERYthing we do EVERY waking moment of our lives, is a pursuit for happiness. Think about your day for a second, and realize that everything you did today (and everyday), was either –what I call– positive happiness or preventative happiness. Positive happiness would be things like watching a movie. Your emotions concluded that right now, the feeling of watching the movie is better than not watching the movie. Preventative happiness would be things like eating to rid yourself of the unpleasant hunger feeling. And so on. Let’s alone the bigger things we do (which we recognize to be) a pursuit for happiness. So ask yourself this: Every single human on earth spends their entire life in a pursuit for happiness, yet, how many TRULY happy people do you know? Honestly, probably none. Why? Is it possible that true happiness just doesn’t exist? Actually, it does exist.
First of all, just to establish the meaning of true happiness. True happiness is happiness from within, unrelated to anything taking place externally. Now it’s possible for external factors to get in the way of true happiness, but true happiness itself just come from within. The feeling of true happiness is a feeling of peace that’s initiated from the depth of ones emotions and sprout across your every cell like a flower. Can one just decide to be truly happy? Maybe true happiness is a mere decision? Well, the question really is, will the depth of your emotions follow you along on your decision, and initiate those “true happy’ emotions? No, it won’t. The reason is because true happiness -much like everything else in this universe- responds to and works within the framework of the laws of nature. Your body wont produce blood if you decide to eat chopped wood. Now, you can decide wholeheartedly that chopped wood is your new diet, but your body will still not produce blood with that wood. Your body will only respond to and work within the framework of the laws of nature
Let’s look at a recent tragic event, Robin Williams Suicide. Robin Williams, a man so talented, so funny, so full of life, adored and loved by the whole world. Robin made us all laugh, yet the man himself was silently suffering and battling depression. Robin had money, fame, success, a great wife, a lovely family. You can rest assured that Robin did everything within his power to become truly happy, lets along get himself out of his depression. Sadly he did not succeed, and as a result, we lost a great man who touched us all in so many ways. I’m still laughing thinking of Mrs Doubtfire .
After Robins suicide, I asked myself: Was there ever an elder (or even young) Talmud Chuchim (someone who is fully into his Torah study) in the history of Yidshkite, to ever have suicide thoughts? Im certainly not aware of any, nor does it exist. What does this tell me? It tells me that those individual actually reached a level of true happiness. It isn’t an opinion but a fact. That’s the law of nature! Hasham gave us an invaluable gift! The reason the OTDs dump something so wonderful (besides for the fact that the human body hates obligations and accountability), is the same reason humans would crave for a sugary piece of cake instead of steamed vegetables. Its the same reason we would rather be a couch potato glued to the TV, instead of going out for a 2 mile run. Its the same reason the high-school dropout rate is so high. It’s the same reason so many are facing dangerous addictions (narcotics, alcohol).
In addition, the whole philosophy of Chasidus is structured on the concept of “Simcha” (happiness). Frankly, I don’t exactly understand the philosophy of Chasidus (its very deep), but its core foundation is to be b’simha. And boy, those who remain fully true to the Torah and Chasidus, are truly in peace with themselves, they truly enjoy every second of life and are blessed with “True Happiness”! Hasham hates misery (within the context of Yidishkite). Our emotions respond very well when treated with Torah, because that’s the law of nature.
To that end, Yidishkite (judaism) is absolutely beautiful, beyond words!
When one would cave in to his/her sugary cake cravings, and remain a couch potato, s/he becomes miserable. They become overweight, lazy, unhealthy and generally unproductive. That my friend is precisely what you’ve found when you met those craigslist folks. When you meet them, they are sailing uncharted waters and are miserable. Yes its probably true that all those you met are angry and miserable, but its also true that they are miserable because they are on craigslist. You draw a conclusion based on false notions.
However, there are indeed external factors which could get in the way of this happiness. Well, not so much get in the way, as it prevents it from flourishing. One of them is “the spouse”, and I tie this back to original question about “happily married”. As the famous saying states: “behind every great man is a great woman”. This is true across all walks of life. A healthy relationship is absolutely CRUCIAL for success of every person on earth. An unhealthy relationship/marriage is the recipe of complete destruction (though it can at times be overcome with Torah), its just destroys and shreds the person from within into a million pieces.
The million dollar question is, Is it better to:
1. Wake up alone?
2. Wake up next to someone who makes you feel alone?
In my humble opinion, the answer is 1!
I wanted to dispute each point “lack of choice, repression, individual scrutiny,” and there’s also lack of knowledge/education, but it got too long. I also wanted to dispute the notion that Chasidim misinterpret the Torah in bizarre ways (and not just following brilliant protocols and procedures), but again, its too long. Besides, it don’t think there’s anyone here that cares about all this stuff. Ill move this conversation now to PM.