To Tell or Not to Tell
Chana Lander2010That is always the question. As a parent, how far do we go to protect our children from the tragedies of the world? Do we shelter them by filtering through the news and only telling them the neutral parts, or do we involve them in current events and discuss what’s happening out there?
When I was child, either nothing sad happened or my parents did a pretty good job keeping us in oblivion. Then I grew up and started seeing the world for what it really is. The thought struck me on the way to visit a family friend in the hospital. She is dying of cancer. I took my eldest children with me. Of course, I didn’t tell them she was dying, but they were shocked at the sight of her fading away. When I was a child, I didn’t know anyone that had cancer. Hell, I didn’t even know the word cancer. It was always a whispered yeneh machle.
Last night I sat my kids down and showed them pictures of the ruins of Haiti. We saw a mother carrying her dead baby, we saw feet sticking out from under buildings, but what touched them most was the idea that people are trapped under buildings and dying because rescuers could not get to them in time.
My middle son had a nightmare last night. He dreamt he was trapped under a building and couldn’t breath. I can tell him that we are lucky to live in America where these things don’t happen, but my oldest daughters remember 9/11. It’s something we talk about every year on that date.
Yes, we knew about the holocaust and many of our grandparents had numbers on their arms. We knew what it meant, we internalized it in a way that our children can’t. But for the most part, that was it. Occasionally there would be a bomb on a bus in Israel and every few days another name was added to our tehillim list in school.
I didn’t know anyone who was divorced, only one distant relative who was (whispered) ge’geht. There were no child molesters, as far as I was concerned. Adults were the responsible people in our lives. We were to go to them if we needed help with anything. Drugs was something only goyim did. And suicide didn’t even make it onto our spelling list.
My husband tries to bubble-wrap my children. He just doesn’t tell them anything. Police activity next to the Avenue Plaza Hotel? It’s just a crazy person, forget about it. Earthquake in Haiti? Boruch Hashem no yidden were involved. Mumbai attack? Now that’s sad. Stop watching the live feed on the internet and say some tehillim.
To tell or not to tell? Always the question.
10 Responses
Nice post and well written. Do tell the child I think, the question is how much and in what way to say.
I think this clip makes an interestign point about kids and how they see trouble.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-january-5-2010/even-better-than-the-real-thing
Awesome clip! Thanks for posting the link.
Hello and welcome aboard. The sedrah can be pretty gruesome too you know. Babies getting thrown into the river, or eating fire etc. are what children are exposed to beyond your control.
Hansel and Gretel and many other stories are pretty tough too. Children are curious, and sad stories seem to interest them. I guess it is a question of how they are told.
We want to raise conscientious children that are emotionally mature enough to confront the reality of life in a chaotic world. While the chassidic world does an incredible injustice by hindering the emotional growth of its youth by cushioning all in a sterile bubble, going to the other extreme is hardly responsible. Children need to be given relatively peaceful childhoods, with opportunities to learn about problem solving and pain on a child’s scale, not a Haiti disaster. A watered down version of current events broadens horizons and teaches compassion.
Chany, what’s the point of presenting such distressing images to children?
Perhaps I don’t understand because of my unprivileged childhood, whilst I never saw a single picture of a stray body part until I was an adult. Honestly, I don’t have the heart to look at these pictures *now* either, and it hadn’t occurred to me that that’s because I am traumatized by lack of trauma ;o
Read Shalom Auslander’s lament about being raised “overexposed” to the grueling details of the tragedies of the Halocaust, an aspect of orthodox childhood that traumatized him?
You’re right. The parsha, the chanukah story, the purim story, pesach story and almost everything else can get very gruesome.
You’re right about not showing graphic images to children. I realized it a bit too late.
But the question still remains.
Another point, we’re raising our children in a very different time. It’s the age of the internet and other technology. Everyone knows everything, news spreads like wildfire. (For what it’s worth), even ‘kol mevaser’ reported on the earthquake.
I find that taking off the eye glasses when leaving the house (and maybe wearing blindfolds and earplugs indoors) takes care of the era problem ahundrepercent.
Seriously, I do sympathize with your dilemma and as a parent find it a daunting challenge to raise well adjusted children. I do tell about current events, but the message is understanding global humanity; that people everywhere are people and their terrible tragedies are relevant. My message is not about the reality of pain. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I shelter from this degree of pain.
I sympathize with you dilemma and also struggle with the daunting task of raising well adjusted, compassionate kids. Navigating this terrain is especially difficult because of the responsibilities it imposes on us. To answer the question: I DO tell, albeit in a very watered down way, stripped of the real terror. My motives are to teach the message of universal humanity; that all people are people and their happenings are relevant. My motives are not to expose the child to the reality of pain. I shelter the kids from grueling horrors. Perhaps wrongly.
Great article, Chana! Personally, I feel as if this post is so relative to all parents (though I’m not a parent myself, I can use my imagination), both frum and secular. Never is it easy to relay information upon a virgin brain, as you have clearly illustrated here. Yet it seems as if the pain of “knowing” is always like fresh salt in the wound for parents when they have to see their children realize for the first time that there is pain and suffering in the world, just as there is joy, happiness, and peace. I liked how you penned your dilemma. Bravo.